“FEAR MY IMPENDING DOOM.”
~#1 on the list of Ugliest Vice-Presidents
As we saw in yesterday’s AFFotD, there are a surprisnig amount of goofy looking Vice-Presidents. and we’ve got nothing better to do than to keep on counting down. So here, for your viewing pleasure (and we use that term lightly) are the five ugliest Vice-Presidents of American History.
5. Adlai E. Stevenson I (1893-1897)
This is not the face of a man who was one Grover Cleveland assassination away from being President, this is the face of a man who owns and operates a bowling alley that his son doesn’t want to inherit. He looks like a combination of Tobias and George Bluth from Arrested Development. He’s got a sort of confused, inquisitive look on his face, as if someone said to him, “You know, since you have three children, that means you’ve had sex before,” and then they took a picture right as he goes, “Really? Someone had sex with me?”
And there’s not even a single “close to flattering” picture out there of this poor guy. At some point, when all of the pictures of you that remain in history look like a casting call for “Rural Convenience Store Clerk 2” in the next Coen Brothers movie, the reason might not be poor photography technology, it might just be that you look like a Rural convenience store clerk.
Seriously, the only pictures our research staff were able to find were of Stevenson looking either A- like an ornery farmer who is surprised to find himself in a suit or B- the same ornery farmer after you got him so drunk he can’t stand up, and now he’s just trying to figure out where he is right now.
“Wh…where am I? Where did I get this outfit?”
And we hate to say that it’s genetic, but it’s totally genetic. His grandson, Adlai Stevenson III was an Senator for Illinois in the 70’s(“ohhhh that’s why his name sounds so familiar”) also suffered from genetic-goofy-looking-bald-person-syndrome.
Pictured above- genetics. Also, jowels.
At least he didn’t look like…well, this guy…
4. William Wheeler (1877-1881)
William Wheeler was the Vice President of Rutherford B. Hayes. He was very inconspicuous, rarely introduced legislation, and was relatively unknown outside of his own district. During the election of 1876, the New York Delegation of the Republican Convention was selected to choose candidates for the Vice Presidency nomination. Someone asked, “What about Wheeler,” and started giggling. Everyone, including Wheeler, broke into laughter at the absurdity of the concept, until, much to his surprise, Wheeler was voted as the Vice Presidential candidate the next day, prompting Hayes to state, “I am ashamed to say…who is Wheeler”
He also looks like he is severely constipated in every picture ever taken of him.
3. George M. Dallas (1845-1858)
We don’t know why it seems fitting that the Vice President who served under James Polk, the president whose name feels weirdest in your mouth when you say it, looks like Peter Boyle in Everyone Loves Raymond, but it just feels right.
He looks like a befuddled homeless man you might see wandering outside of a home, wondering how he got there. It’s really the hair that does it, he has a crazy man’s hair. He at least doesn’t look like he’s going to hurt you or anything, he’s just a very confused looking crazy man. We suspect that he was only in office to keep Polk at bay, because that guy looked like he’d straight up knife you if you looked at him the wrong way.
To be portrayed in film by Stanley Tucci.
We can’t say the same for…
2. George Clinton (1805-1812)
George Clinton, who unfortunately is in no way affiliated with Parliament Funkadelic, served under both Thomas Jefferson and James Madison, and is considered one of this nation’s founding fathers. He was the first Governor of New York, and the fourth Vice President of the United States, and he was the first Vice President to die in office. He also looks like a very angry, bitter version of George M. Dallas. Seriously, he is eye stabbing you right now. Even drawings where he’s made to look more “calm” and “nice” have just a glimmer of “murderous contempt” in his eyes.
Come on and just give that a good look. There’s the wispy, barely there hair, and eyebrows to rival that of Jay Kordich, all coupled with a gaze that says, “Hi. I have knives on my person. And yes, you heard knives. As in plural.” And when the artist isn’t trying to hide his dark side? Well it’s times like that when you know that George Clinton just killed the artist and painted the rest of the damn picture himself.
“I told you. I don’t like being drawn from my left side. You brought this upon yourself.”
But really, all of these Presidential versions of maids of honor gowns have nothing on the most terrifying creature to be unleashed upon American politics…
1. John C. Calhoun (1825-1832)
AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (John Calhoun, who served as Vice President and nightmare creator for John Quincy Adams and Andrew Jackson)…
AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (looked like he was created in a laboratory)……
AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (oh who are we kidding, this man only fed on the screams of children, this is the most terrifying creature to ever be assembled. If you’ll excuse us, we’re just going to scream at pictures of John Calhoun now, so that he may grow content after feasting on our fears and insecurities.)
AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OH GOD WHY!? AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! IT’S LOOKING RIGHT AT US! AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NOT LIKE THIS! NOT LIKE THIS!
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