“Wait, it’s a weird low budget version of Power Rangers and it’s NOT made by Japan? Oh, but they air it in Japan, okay that makes sense at least.”
~AFFotD’s Television Critic
We talk about Japan a lot on this site. The simple truth of the matter is, we fear what we don’t understand, and we don’t understand raw horse meat ice cream. So when we did bath salts with one of those homeless people that sells bootleg DVDs off an old rug in Chinatown and we woke up to find the Wikipedia page for Shin Kenjushi France Five on our tabs, we were frankly shocked that this was not an instance of “Goddamn it, Japan.” Because the show is French and it is mindfuckingly insane.
It’s technically a mini-series of six episodes but, in what is frankly only middle-of-the-road in terms of the insanity behind this project, it was aired over the course of 13 years. That’s right, they had a single episode a year in 2000, 2001, and 2002 before taking a year off until 2004 and releasing the last two in 2012 and 2013, because clearly the French public was clamoring for a French Five Power Rangers spoof revival. There’s so much to take on here, and we don’t even trust ourselves to give you every delicious morsel of insanity, but we’ll do our best. Here goes nothing.
Goddamn It…France? You’re Doing It Wrong: The France Five Mini-Series
“Man, and I thought Lord of the Rings was too long…”
~American Film Critics
We like our movies like we like our sexual encounters—brief, anonymous, and preferably ending with you sobbing uncontrollably while watching Ryan Gosling kiss another woman. Whether we’re watching Nicholas Sparks play out his latest sexual fantasy of star-crossed lovers being separated for 50 years by dire circumstances only to die of cancer the day they’re supposed to meet again, or someone gave Michael Bay $150 million to be the pyrotechnic version of Bamm-Bamm Rubble, American films are the world’s primary source for laughter, entertainment, and taking a brief respite from our bleak, miserable lives to watch Brad Pitt casually eat something while pretending we’re his friend.
There was a time when epic sagas were the norm in Hollywood, which is why Ben-Hur is over three-and-a-half hours long, and also why most of us never saw Ben-Hur once we were informed that the film was 212 boobless minutes. Nowadays, we like our movies shorter, more action-packed, and Anne Hathaway naked-ier. Yes, we’ll sit through the occasional three hour opus, but that’s about as long as we’re able to physically sit still without our ADD kicking oh hey look there’s a bird. Besides, we can’t waste all our free time watching a single movie. We have things to do. There are bars literally just outside the theater, taunting us.
Yes, we know how to squeeze $200 million into a handy 90-minute package, but we’re America. We invented, perfected, and then perverted everything you know and love about modern cinema. Other countries don’t quite get the hint, which is why you see places like China making 14-hour films.
And that’s not even one of the ten longest films ever created. Since we at AFFotD are public servants, we’re going to save you the trouble of knowing which impossibly long films to avoid by listing off the ten films with the longest running time. And since we can’t imagine a world where people make day-long movies without something terrible and dark having happened in their childhood, we will also inform you what life-ruining tragedy must have happened to the countries of the world that would actually sit through these exercises in torture.
The Ten Longest Films Ever Made
Because if you’re going to stare at a movie screen for 14 hours, you’d better damn well be watching all the Die Hard movies.
Posted in England, France, Strange America, The Rest of Them
Tagged America, Andy Warhol, China, England, Finland, France, Germany, Janet Leigh, Longest Movies, Movies, Psycho, The Clock, Weiwei Ai
“J-I-N-G-O and Jingo was his name-o!”
Every two years, Americans gather around their television sets to root for a bunch of sports that are either stupid but fun (Winter) or largely stupid (Summer) with the single goal of flipping the bird to every other country while saying, “We’re better than you in every possible way.” The Olympics are beautiful, and the closest we can come to Manifest Destiny without the ACLU being all up on our asses. It also helps remind us why China is a terrifying force who we have to defeat, lest they get cocky and we find ourselves in a Red Dawn situation.
As the Summer Olympics come and pass, and everyone spends two weeks pretending to care about gymnastics, running, and swimming, we are here to give you a handy guide of what American sports you should enjoy during the Olympics, and which sports you should avoid at all costs.
AFFotD’s Official Summer Olympics Guide
Posted in China, England, France, Miscellaneous America, The Rest of Them
Tagged America, Archery, China, Dressage, England, Fencing, Judo, Olympics, Sailing, Skeet Shooting, Soccer, Summer Olympics, Table Tennis
“That’s not stupid, YOU’RE stupid.”
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
We are willing to cede that America isn’t responsible for all of the delicious food available to us, but since we’re stubborn (because, you know, America) we will add the caveat that every delicious food made by other countries has invariably been improved by American tinkering. Yes, Italy gave us pasta, but we gave them fried ravioli. China gave us Chinese food, but we removed the dog from it. French food can go to hell. You hear us, France? YOUR FOOD CAN GO TO HELL!
Yet, despite the ability of many countries to make food that is deemed acceptable for American consumption (except for England. Good God, you Limeys, try inventing a food dish not centered around animal intestines) there are foods out there that are thoroughly terrifying and disgusting. We’re talking food like ant eggs, boiled sheep head, and tofurkey. Gross.
That’s when we noticed an article by the Houston Press, which tried to posit that since some people don’t run away shrieking when you offer them a plate full of boiled silkworm pupae, then clearly American foods must be strange to other people. We’ll say that again. They are saying that American food is weird.
You know what this means, America. Set your phasers to rage, we’re going through this list one by one.
15 Foods That Are NOT Weird
Posted in China, England, France
Tagged America, American Pie, bacon and eggs, biscuits and gravy, black pepper, bread, Cheese, dumb countries, frito pie, grits, large portions, Mayonnaise, pasta and broccoli, peanut butter, Ranch, red velvet cake, salad dressing
Comparing America to France is like comparing a Filet Mignon to a country that no one likes. There’s a reason why food critics write for different types of websites than people who are trying to teach you how to set up a compost pile. France is a piece of shit, is what we’re trying to say. But every once and a while, even a terrible, terrible nation like France can do something that makes us, well, envious. And when that happens, it puts us in a psychological shame spiral that inevitably leads to driving a few cars through convenience store walls to steal massive amounts of 40s.
This is one of those times. Stay away from any of the 7-Elevens in your neighborhood that sell liquor, because take a look at what we found that the French are selling.
IT’S A DARTH VADER BURGER WITH AN ENTIRELY BLACK BUN! GODDAMN IT FRANCE! IT’S ON!
Culture War 2: AFFotD Takes on France’s Only Good Idea Ever
“…Holy shit, this thing is popular now? Oh no…you’re…not again…”
When we had our notorious undercover journalist, [REDACTED], do a play-by-play commentary of the U.S. Women’s World Cup match against North Korea, we were doing it to fuck with him. Call us sadistic bastards (God knows [REDACTED] does) but we wanted to see him squirm. North Korea’s women looked like men. Our women, though American and thus blessed with both outer and inner beauty, were forced to play a sport that we’re pretty sure was invented by amputees. An average AFFotD staffer’s response to watching a soccer match is to shout, “JUST PICK IT UP WITH YOUR DAMN HANDS IT’D BE SUCH A COMPETITIVE ADVANTAGE!” We know so little about soccer that the first time someone in the office used the word “Pelé” we honestly thought they were saying in very rudimentary terms that they wanted to pay for sex.
…Get it? Pay lay? See that’s the problem, we know so little about soccer that Dane Cook could conceivably write a better informed soccer joke. Maybe. Well, not Dane Cook, but you get the idea.
“Ha, so, like, I was having SEXUAL INTERCOURSE with a FAIR MAIDEN and something something RED CARD!” Seriously though, remember 2007 when Dane Cook was a movie actor? Yeah we blocked that from our memories too.+
Of course, our mockery of the Women’s World Cup totally changed this past Sunday when America decided to wow the shit out of everyone with an engaging, dramatic, and stressful shoot out victory against Brazil. We learned a few things. First of all, America is going to give a shit about soccer for the next week or so. Secondly, the Women’s team is gloriously American, right down to the player who sang “Born in the USA” into a stadium microphone after scoring a goal. And additionally, and this is important everyone, Hope Solo is incredibly attractive. Hot athletes are a game changer. And Hope Solo is a glorious beacon of America.
And with that, America breathes a contented sigh.
America’s ADD-riddled minds have been captivated by this spunky collection of beautiful yet powerful athletes, and goofy but endearing role players. Women that will settle for nothing less than victory for America. So, we locked [REDACTED] back in the TV closet to give us a running commentary on yesterday’s World Cup Semifinal match between Hope Solo and Friends Team USA and… THE FRENCH. Goddamn French!
Posted in France, [REDACTED]
Tagged Abby Wambach, America, France, Hope Solo, North Korea, Redacted, Shawshank Redemption, Soccer, Sonia bompastor, Sonny Corleone, Team USA, Tim Robbins, Women's World Cup
“No more rhymes, now, I mean it.”
“Anyone want a peanut?”
~Seriously you guys, how good was The Princess Bride?
We at the AFFotD offices often have to swallow quite a modicum of our pride when we’re encountered by foreigners who accomplish American deeds. After all, you don’t have to be a born American to become a governor of one of the nation’s most populous states. Or to knock up the help. So that’s why, when we were watching The Princess Bride in our weekly “watching a chick flick that is actually totally acceptable to watch” night, we figured it was time that we gave proper deference to a Frenchmananoghieipghepwaighpae.
Sorry, the temp we had typing that spontaneously combusted- we have our keyboard wired to set fire whenever something positive is said about people from that…F country. But yes, we’re here to salute Andre the Giant, who did enough amazing American things in American, that we posthumously have declared him an American. Because we’re running out of interns to explode, and we want to take credit for him. So from now on, his birth will be described in “Georgia” instead of “Grenoble, France.” Because you have no idea how much Andre the Giant could drink.
Posted in Athletes, Drinkers, France
Tagged Alcohol, America, Andre the Giant, Andre the Giant has a Posse, Hulk Hogan, Killer Khan, Obama, Princess Bride, Wrestling