“This is what you guys eat for dinner? Great, now I’m hungry AND sad.”
~Tourists in Latvia
America, in case you didn’t get the memo, is better than all the rest of you wannabe country motherfuckers out there. That’s just a basic truth, and if you disagree with it you’re either French or one of those jerkwads that writes those magazine articles about “happiness indexes.” Why is America great? Our education and health care system? Okay, don’t be a sarcastic asshole, we’re asking a serious question here. Well, many of you shouted all sorts of great things, like freedom, whiskey, and we’re pretty sure we heard someone shout “the world’s largest charcoal grill in Magnolia, Arkansas” which, um, that’s definitely unique but hey we’ll give it to you.
But if you ask us, of the many, many aspects of America we truly love, there’s one that tends to take a special place in our heart. Well, yes, booze, but we’re talking about something that has a special place in our heart because it’s physically lodged there. That’s right, America’s tradition of culinary excellence. We make amazing food! Horrifically unhealthy, sure, but amazing nonetheless.
Which is what brings us to our latest series here at AFFotD. While America is clearly the pinnacle of the food world (sit down and shut up, France) there are other countries whose national cuisines, the food they grew up eating out of a sense of identity and history, are…well, pretty depressing. So we’re going to take some time to tell you about countries who don’t just do food worse than us, they do food worse in us in a way that we don’t even want to make fun of them for it, we just feel kind of bad for the poor guys. Plus, we’re totally going to make fun of them.
The World’s Saddest Cuisines: Latvia
Posted in Insulting Foreigners, Strange Foods, The Rest of Them, The World’s Saddest Cuisines
Tagged "milk products", America, beetroot soup, biešu zupa, bread soup, buckwheat, Cheese, grey peas (?), Griķi, Latvia, Latvian food, maizes zupa, Milk, peasants, potatoes, Russia, serfs, Sklandrausis, skābais krējums, The World’s Saddest Cuisines
“Oh wow, I’m sure that is very delicious. *continues eating a string cheese*”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt
Money is a weird thing. People slave for it, they kill for it, they fight wars for it, but as soon as you get it you turn around and you’re that asshole who’s spending $12,000 to have a chef make a pizza topped with caviar and lobster in your house. That dichotomy might be why we here at AFFotD are so perversely fascinated at the kinds of people who spend ungodly sums of money for particular items. Sure, we’ve covered expensive yachts, which are inherently a waste of money, but it’s also incredible how much people have wasted on vodka, hamburgers, hell, even beer.
Normally (with the exception of our beer article) these products are expensive for pointless “look how big my dick is” reasons. Anything can be expensive if you fill it with diamonds or cover it in shaved gold, that’s just pretentious and obnoxious. However, sometimes, people spend more money than they should on items because they actually believe it to be top quality. We’ve seen this, for example, in our discussion of expensive whiskeys—while there are some bottle gimmicks at play, these six figure bottles of alcohol at least represent some of the best whiskey in the world.
With that in mind, we’ve put our focus towards a food that we love but that can also manage to be expensive for a variety of fairly unpretentious reasons—cheese. Cheese is wonderful in general, but there are huge swings in qualities between varieties. You can have cheap American cheese for a few nickels per slice, or you can fancy decadent cheeses that’ll set you back twenty dollars for a small wedge, and you’ll be fully aware of the difference. A lot of cheese comes down to preference, but there isn’t a lot of pretension here. So that’s why we decided to look into the most expensive cheeses in the world, to look at something that’s expensive due to its quality and scarcity, and not because some asshole decided to toss gold and truffles in there.
Okay, well, two assholes on the list did that, but the rest are legit.
The Six Most Expensive Cheeses in the World
Posted in Strange Foods
Tagged America, Bitto Storico, Blue Stilton, cheddar, Cheese, donkey cheese, England, hook's cheese company, Italian cheeses, Moose cheese, Most Expensive, pule, Stilton, Stilton cheese, White Stilton Gold, Wisconsin, Wisconsin Cheddar, wyke farms
“If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he’d be pralines and dick.”
Every summer American childhood memory revolves around delicious treats that cool you down while giving you a hell of a sugar rush. “You scream, I scream, we all scream for…” we all would shout in our formative years to have it interrupted by our father’s saying, “Shut up with your damn singing and get your father another fucking beer. Oh Jesus, you’re crying again? Man the fuck up, here, take this five dollar bill and get something from the ice cream truck, maybe that’ll get you out of my goddamn hair for one fucking minute.” Ah, memories.
Here’s a fun test for you Americans at reading at home (or at work ) (or while pooping, whatever, we don’t judge). Go to ten strangers and ask if they like ice cream. You will probably get six people saying, “Um, yeah?” three people saying, “Who the fuck are you” and one person who goes, “No I do not like ice cream.” Well congratulations, you’ve found the parasite, the host is dead, there’s nothing for you to do but to set him on fire and contain the pathogen. So, 9 out of 9 Americans love ice cream, meaning that ice cream is infallible, much like pizza or Oreos.
Oh what’s that? You clicked the above links and saw that it lead to gross examples of those aforementioned delicious treats? Oh, you didn’t click on them because that seemed time consuming and you’re just skimming through this anyway? Shut up, just, okay? Just pretend you did. Anyway, we’re going to talk about Americans that fuck up ice cream.
America’s 10 Grossest Ice Cream Flavors
Posted in Strange Foods
Tagged America, basil, Baskin-Robbin, bone marrow, Cheese, Durian, garlic, gross flavors, gross ice cream, Ice Cream, Ice Cream Flavors, lobster, lox, popcorn, potato, sauerkraut, vanilla ice cream
“We have to go deeper…*VROOOOM*”
It’s been a while since we’ve taken the time to be topical and relevant for you. Sure, there have been epic articles describing every state in America, or telling you about terrifying educational rap videos from the 1990’s, but we’ve mainly been educating you on the past, as opposed to the present.
That’s not always been the case. We’ve had moments in the past when something was so important we just had to tell you about it, even if the article was so rushed it’s not even worth clicking here to read it (seriously, we missed some opportunities by not having an “Osama is dead” article in the can before that shit went down).
While the days of a monthly news post are gone, that doesn’t mean we can’t occasionally bring relevant discussions of current American issues to the forefront. As you’ve no doubt noticed with Facebook profiles lately, there are potentially monumental changes for the country on the horizon. We would be foolish if we didn’t address them in a calm, straightforward manner, since it is something that will touch the lives of millions upon millions of Americans, and it would be irresponsible to pretend it’s not happening right this moment.
That’s right. Doritos is making a Doritos Locos Tacos flavored Dorito. Yes. Inception finally has an official junk food snack.
AFFotD News Item of the Month: Doritos Locos Tacos Doritos Will Doom Us All, Taste Delicious
“That’s not stupid, YOU’RE stupid.”
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
We are willing to cede that America isn’t responsible for all of the delicious food available to us, but since we’re stubborn (because, you know, America) we will add the caveat that every delicious food made by other countries has invariably been improved by American tinkering. Yes, Italy gave us pasta, but we gave them fried ravioli. China gave us Chinese food, but we removed the dog from it. French food can go to hell. You hear us, France? YOUR FOOD CAN GO TO HELL!
Yet, despite the ability of many countries to make food that is deemed acceptable for American consumption (except for England. Good God, you Limeys, try inventing a food dish not centered around animal intestines) there are foods out there that are thoroughly terrifying and disgusting. We’re talking food like ant eggs, boiled sheep head, and tofurkey. Gross.
That’s when we noticed an article by the Houston Press, which tried to posit that since some people don’t run away shrieking when you offer them a plate full of boiled silkworm pupae, then clearly American foods must be strange to other people. We’ll say that again. They are saying that American food is weird.
You know what this means, America. Set your phasers to rage, we’re going through this list one by one.
15 Foods That Are NOT Weird
Posted in China, England, France
Tagged America, American Pie, bacon and eggs, biscuits and gravy, black pepper, bread, Cheese, dumb countries, frito pie, grits, large portions, Mayonnaise, pasta and broccoli, peanut butter, Ranch, red velvet cake, salad dressing
“Weighing in at over 300 pounds, this 3 foot tall hunk of meat….”
~A Porn actress’s nightmare
It should come as no surprise to you that we at the America Fun Fact of the Day have a pretty well-established love of Hamburgers. We also love needless excess. Show us the person who would say that we’re “wasting our time” making and selling the world’s largest gummy bear and we’ll show you a sad individual whose dream of making and selling the world’s largest gummy bear was likely dashed by diabetes.
America loves unhealthy things, and we love lots of unhealthy things far more. When someone tells us something has 540,000 calories, our response is generally, “I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat yourself, I just climaxed.”
But, to quote the guy from Queens who thought we just insulted him in that last sentence, “I got your 540,000 calories riiiiight here.” And he does. Or at least we do. And by “we” we mean to say “Detroit”. In the form of…
Holy Mother of Cow, It’s the World’s Largest Hamburger!
Pictured, from left to right: Ingredient, Ingredient, Hamburger, Psychopath chef
“Hey. Hey. HEY! Listen! Hey. We got this. No. No. Trust us. We got this.”
October is a month full of contradiction. On one hand, Fall is infinitely better than Winter, and we are big fans of the beauty of watching the leafs change as well as the subtle racism that goes hand in hand with the wonderful weather conditions of Indian Summer. On the other hand, Winter’s coming, and we’ve set a lot of forest fires this year so we’re sure to face their wrath in the form of motherfucking blizzards. As much as October tries to win us over with generally mild weather conditions and Halloween, it’s also the month that has a large rise in the Zombie population while constantly warning us that Winter is coming.
Ugh, thanks a lot Jason Strange, just what we needed- our two least favorite things represented in our THIRD least favorite thing (a book)
However, America’s Councils for American Food (in America) have made a strong push to put a little additional awesome into the Month of November. October already is National Caramel Month, National Cookie Month, National Dessert Month, National Pasta Month, National Pizza Month, AND National Pork Month. In fact, October has more items that are celebrated in October than any other month of the year (poor August is only left with National Catfish Month). So while you may think “Hey, October’s got enough going for it already” we would have to gentle remind you…there’s always room for cheese.
That’s right. To continue our long-running, often forgotten AFFotD News Item of the Month Series, we’re here to announce…
October, 2011 named “American Cheese Month”
“Now with 29% fewer ‘that’s Gouda’ puns!”
“With the power of…DAIRY!”
~Cheeseman, a short lived American superhero
Fair warning, this America Fun Fact of the Day will not be about Cheeseman. We know, you’re all a little saddened by that revelation, but we decided to rip the band-aid off cleanly, and right away. Shh, shh, it’s okay. It’s okay. Drink to forget. Drink to forget.
But that doesn’t mean we’re not going to talk about cheese. Not an American history of cheese, because holy shit that’s a good idea but we’re way too hungover for that, but we are going to talk about a little place we have mentioned before in passing, a venue that is all beer, cheese, and absurd Midwestern ideals of grandeur.
We’re talking about…the Mars Cheese Castle, in Kenosha, Wisconsin.
“Who else is ready for Memorial Day weekend? Alright, just do one of those lazy ‘This Day in American History’ things.”
~AFFotD’s Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt
As we prepare for our hyper-American Memorial Day barbeque, where we basically replace charcoal with Bacardi 151 while swapping out hamburgers and hog dogs with…well, just larger version of hot dogs and hamburgers because you can’t get much more American than grilled hamburger and hot dogs, we like to take quiet reflection on this day that has, in the past, been a Memorial Day in its own right (maybe).
Anyway, we are just going to ramble off some things that happened today, okay?
Today’s American day in American history
Posted in Today in American History
Tagged America, Bacardi 151, Beer, Bing Crosby, Casey Martin, Cheese, Hamburgers, hot dogs, Indians, Memorial Day, Middle Plantation, Rhode Island, Supreme Court, Today in American History, Treaty of Middle Plantation, Virginia, White Christmas, Wisconsin
“The link between sugar and cavities have never been truly confirmed. I say, let your dentist worry about it.”
~Milton S. Hershey
One of the least controversial statements an American can make is, “Carnivals are fucking awesome.” Be it a state fair, a traveling amusement park, or a Cruise line where many passengers get gastronomical illnesses, carnivals encompass everything American, from the games of chance meant to scam hardworking marks to the impressively unhealthy food inventions that they spawn.
Carnival food in particular has become a bit of a cultural phenomenon in recent years, coinciding with the increasingly “Foodie” culture that many white people Americans have embraced. After the breakdown of the “health food” movement, Americans correctly realized that they had wasted a good portion of the late 90’s eating things like “soy beans” and “wheatgrass” and other strange foods that come in unnatural colors like “green” and “brown.” So Americans everywhere flocked to carnivals to revel in what carnivals do best: shortsighted innovation!
“So how about we take sugar, add some food coloring, spin it until it’s fluffy, and then stuff it in a bag a small child’s head can and will fit in?”
As Americans, it’s our duty to go out of our way to find food that will wage war against our small intestines. And Carnivals, state fairs, and outdoor festivals give Americans the best opportunity to ingest their yearly calorie intake in just a few minutes. And goddamn it if that doesn’t sound American as hell to us. Here are the most American foods you’ll every pay a Carnie to put in your mouth.
Posted in Fried Foods
Tagged America, Bacon Cheeseburger, butter, Butter Sculptures, Carnival, Carnival Food, Cheese, Cotton Candy, Deep fried pizza, Donky Tails, Donuts, Foodie culture, Fried Olives, Fried Oreos, Hot Dog, Jim Henson, Kool-aid, Kool-aid pickles, Marilyn Monroe, Meatball, Milton Hershey, Saturday Night Live, SNL, Spaghetti, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Tortilla, Urban Dictionary