“This is what you guys eat for dinner? Great, now I’m hungry AND sad.”
~Tourists in Latvia
America, in case you didn’t get the memo, is better than all the rest of you wannabe country motherfuckers out there. That’s just a basic truth, and if you disagree with it you’re either French or one of those jerkwads that writes those magazine articles about “happiness indexes.” Why is America great? Our education and health care system? Okay, don’t be a sarcastic asshole, we’re asking a serious question here. Well, many of you shouted all sorts of great things, like freedom, whiskey, and we’re pretty sure we heard someone shout “the world’s largest charcoal grill in Magnolia, Arkansas” which, um, that’s definitely unique but hey we’ll give it to you.
But if you ask us, of the many, many aspects of America we truly love, there’s one that tends to take a special place in our heart. Well, yes, booze, but we’re talking about something that has a special place in our heart because it’s physically lodged there. That’s right, America’s tradition of culinary excellence. We make amazing food! Horrifically unhealthy, sure, but amazing nonetheless.
Which is what brings us to our latest series here at AFFotD. While America is clearly the pinnacle of the food world (sit down and shut up, France) there are other countries whose national cuisines, the food they grew up eating out of a sense of identity and history, are…well, pretty depressing. So we’re going to take some time to tell you about countries who don’t just do food worse than us, they do food worse in us in a way that we don’t even want to make fun of them for it, we just feel kind of bad for the poor guys. Plus, we’re totally going to make fun of them.
The World’s Saddest Cuisines: Latvia
Posted in Insulting Foreigners, Strange Foods, The Rest of Them, The World’s Saddest Cuisines
Tagged "milk products", America, beetroot soup, biešu zupa, bread soup, buckwheat, Cheese, grey peas (?), Griķi, Latvia, Latvian food, maizes zupa, Milk, peasants, potatoes, Russia, serfs, Sklandrausis, skābais krējums, The World’s Saddest Cuisines
Make it alcoholic! No wait, make it milk for school lunches! Fuck it, we’re drunk, do whatever.”
We recently waxed the-opposite-of-poetic about Coca-Cola produced beverages that we found, to put it politely, shitty as shit. In doing our research for that article, we stumbled across a single product, available from 2003 to 2005, that we felt belonged on our list, until a quick look at its history let us know that, no, this drink is wonderful, and the most American thing we can think of, and we wish we had it today.
That drink is Swerve.
Swerve is a milk drink, but it’s so much more. It’s a microcosm of the product development process of modern day American consumerism. It’s an opportunistic combination of bad ideas and impractical dreams. It’s beautiful and it’s ugly and it’s everything about America, all mixed together into a sweetened milk drink.
Let’s talk about Swerve.
Swerve: Coca-Cola’s Almost Alcoholic Milk Product For School Lunches
“This is by far the worst idea you’ve had, and you used to put cocaine in your drink and try to sell it to kids.”
~Coca-Cola Product Consultants Shortly Before Being Shouted Down
Coca-Cola holds an important place in America’s heart, and its economy. Ever since their humble beginnings as a non-alcoholic version of the poorly named John Pemberton’s French Wine Cola nerve tonic in Atlanta in 1886, originally-addictive-as-shit and still-technically-addictive beverage has grown to become the most valuable brand in the world, raking in over 45 billion dollars a year, with the power to do anything they want, from brushing aside antitrust legislation proposed by Pepsi to allegedly getting Colombian union leaders assassinated. The point being, Coca-Cola is an ingrained cultural and economic powerhouse, with dozens, if not hundreds, of brands and varieties across America and the globe.
Naturally, a very large part of Coca-Cola’s whole “made enough money in 2014 to surpass the GDP of 83 different countries” popularity comes from the fact that they make a delicious, American product. Coca-Cola is wonderful, and anyone who says otherwise is a Pepsi executive who contractually has to say that he hates Coke, even though we all know that Coke and Pepsi are the most interchangeable beverages imaginable. The taste preference in Cola brands generally falls between “the sweet one” and “the slightly sweeter one” with a handful of outliers saying, “I prefer the organic cola from Whole Foods because ouch stop that why are you flicking my ear that’s extremely annoying okay you know what you clearly don’t want a dialogue so I’ll just leave, you assholes.” But, Coke came first, and Coke is the world leader, and even if we might prefer the slightly sweeter one, Coca-Cola can do no wrong.
Well, okay that’s not true. They can do a lot of wrong. The following is wrong.
The Worst Coca-Cola Products in the World
Posted in Strange Foods
Tagged America, apéritif, Beverly, blak, Coca-Cola, Cocaine, Coke, Fairlife, Kas, kvass, Mare Rosso, Milk, Nativa, New Coke, Pepsi, Vio, Yerba Mate
“What’s the deal with Oreos? More like WHORE-eos, amiright? This guy knows what I’m talking about!”
~Booo, you suck, get off the stage!
Recently, an American desert institution celebrated 100 years of tricking kids into drinking milk while making it easier for The Mighty Ducks to throw around racial jokes that have aged pretty poorly. Yes, soggy Oreos have been shoved down eager American gullets and made here in the grand U S of A since 1912. And what better way to celebrate this centennial with a good old fashioned fun fact about everyone’s cookie product (behind Girl Scout Cookie Thin Mints and Samoas ), the Oreo.
Oreos: Encouraging Children to Play With Their Food Since 1912