“Give me a break!”
~Um, That’s Not The Theme Song To Captain Crunch…
When Captain Cap’n Crunch first hit the shelves in 1963, we didn’t worry ourselves with the fact that he’s not an actual Captain, and instead went wild over the corn-based cereal that was the first to be coated in a thin layer of oil to give it an additional boost of flavor.
The cereal itself was developed by Pamela Low, a flavorist (shut up, it’s a thing) (no it actually is) at Arthur D. Little who tried to make a cereal that tasted like her grandmother’s recipe of brown sugar and butter melted over rice.
Now, as far as “tasting like sugar butter over rice” goes, Captain Cap’n Crunch was an abject failure. But if we look at the product through a “holy shit, this is really good, let’s put some crunch berries in it” lens, it was a roaring success.
Now, Cap’n Crunch is everywhere, and you’ll hear no one complain about that fact because Cap’n Crunch is goddamn magical. That is, when they’re not trying to showboat.
Yes, much like Marshmallow Peeps, Oreos, or, God help us, M&Ms, Cap’n Crunch has tried many times to fly to the sun, only to see their waxen wings melt away. That was a very elegant metaphor about how you shouldn’t sell Cap’n Crunch that comes with fucking pop rocks in it.
Cap’N Crunch’s Grossest Flavors of All Time
“Eww? Right, that should be my response? Eww? I still want to try them.”
~American Oreo Consumers
Oreos are great. We’ve discussed in some length the history of the company, and some of their more interesting products (here’s looking at you, Football Oreos) in the past, but we feel like we have to really bring that point home because sometimes it’s hard to remember exactly how good Oreos are. Whenever an American sees a full glass of milk, they instinctively try to twist open an Oreo even if they’re not even holding one. That’s called conditioning, and it was invented by a bell-maker named Pavlov. Though, despite the fact that Oreos are a timeless classic, the past few years have seen a slew of “Limited-time” flavors appear that range from “not chocolate and cream” to “no, seriously, why are you making Oreos that are flavored anything other than chocolate and cream?” It’s gotten to the point that we at AFFotD feel it’s time to step in and take a hard look at some of the odd varieties of Oreos that people have flocked to Target to buy. Every single one of them shouldn’t work…and honestly, probably don’t. But you have to at least give Nabisco credit for trying. Even if they’re tampering with perfection.
The Grossest Oreos To Hit American Shelves
“I mean, sure, it’s good, but it’s BETTER when there’s booze inside of it.”
~American chocolate consumers
America loves chocolate more than just about everyone. Sure the Swiss might have us outgunned, but we still eat about 10 pounds of chocolate a year, per person. We don’t want to look it up because we have a specific AFFotD search engine that locks your computer for two days if you try to search for anything about vegetables, but we’ll just assume that this means Americans eat more chocolate every year than they do salad. You’d think chocolate is a relatively easy to acquire food item, but it’s actually surprisingly arduous to turn cacao beans into deliciousness—they’re naturally bitter, so they have to be fermented, dried, cleaned, and roasted before their shell is removed and the remaining nibs are ground into pure chocolate in its “rough” form, which is then separated into cocoa solids and cocoa butter, which is mixed in varying proportions, and often combined with sugar and milk.
If you stopped reading once you saw the word “fermented” while your mind drifted to visions of alcohol dancing in your head, well, it did for us too, so that’s totally understandable. The key is, chocolate is everywhere, and mankind has been ingesting it in one form or another since about 1400 BC, and while America doesn’t lay claim to any particularly revolutionary adaptation of it (with the possible exception of Hershey’s) just about every straight man in America has bought chocolate to appease their stressed out girlfriends, and most of them have subsequently gotten in trouble for saying something along the lines of, “Hey babe, this should help with the PMSing, right?”
It shouldn’t be surprising that we have more types of chocolate than “dark, milk, and white.” It’s not even surprising that some variations of chocolate might do a disservice to the original treat. We’re not here to focus on that. We’re here to tell you, the intrepid American who just finally finished the last of the base of your giant chocolate bunny you got for Easter, five of the strangest flavored chocolates in the world. Because you’ll probably want to eat a few of them, and you’ll definitely want to purposely avoid at least one.
Five of the World’s Strangest Chocolates
“*A constant horrifying stream of vomit*”
~American Soda drinkers
America loves soft drinks so much that every region tries to call it something else. Depending on your upbringing, you’ve spent your whole life drinking soda, pop, coke, soda pop, or fizzy drinks. Some of you even grew up enjoying “plain flavored carbonated beverages” but that’s just because you were home schooled, and your parents were too embarrassed to tell you they had tricked you into liking seltzer water. While carbonated water, the backbone of the soda industry, was first developed in 1767 by Joseph Priestley in, alas, England, America has long since used pop to fatten up our kids while keeping them obnoxiously hyperactive, with soda being available commercially stateside as early as 1806.
Pop is a part of our everyday life. The average American drinks almost 45 gallons of soft drinks every year. That sounds even more impressive when you realize that we only average 20 gallons of beer annually, so clearly someone must be doing something right in the R&D departments of old Coca-Cola and PepsiCo. We love our colas, our lemon-lime pops, hell, we even drink Mountain Dew. And while there are dozens, if not hundreds, of delicious sodas available at the nearest convenience to act as mixers for all sorts of deserving hard alcohols, there are some companies that, either on purpose or by terrible, terrible accident, make pop that is so repellant that even the Japanese have to take a step back and go, “Goddamn it America, you’re doing it wrong!”
Now’s the time to reflect and think about what you’ve done. Because some of you out there have drank these sodas. Willingly. Ye Gods.
America’s Grossest Soda Pops
Posted in Strange America
Tagged America, Avery's, Cel-ray Soda, Coca-Cola, Hubba Bubba, Jones Soda, Lester Fixins, moxie, Pepsi, Pop, Soda, Soda Pop, strange flavors, Totally Gross Soda, Vio
“Don’t care. Still would take a shot of it.”
We love our alcohol like we like our women—alone with us in the dark, futility unable to stifle our sobs. It doesn’t really matter what kind, of course, as long as it helps us forget everything, for just a moment. Yes, we prefer bourbon, because this is America, but there’s nothing wrong with drinking vodka (unless you needlessly filter vodka through gold to justify making rich people spend too much money on it). Vodka’s just a neutral spirit which, as we’ve previously established, is the best type of booze to add crazy flavors to.
This is a blessing for Americans who don’t like the taste of alcohol, but naturally want to get wasted because we are in America goddamnit, since vodka can be turned into literally dozens of delicious flavors that’ll ensure that, “Wow, I can barely taste the alcohol in this!” is the last thing you remember saying before you find yourself waking up in a frat boy’s bead with a killer hangover and a profound sense of shame (this of course only applies to the men reading this—for our female readers, replace the second part of that last sentence with “waking up to find a new Facebook gallery consisting solely of you riding a mechanical bull and making duck faces”). Most flavors make sense. Raspberry? Sounds delicious! Orange? Sure! Whipped cream? Uh…what?
That’s right, America. We’re drinking the worst swills available to tell you about…
America’s Strangest (And Most Disgusting) Vodkas
~An American Stoner in Japan
Japan is terrifying. We’ve said this before, but it bears repeating. Japan is terrifying. Japan is like that one friend you have that goes out of his way to say things that will gross everyone out, only that friend is really good at it, and he does a lot of stuff with poop. We’ll admit that Japan admires American culture, in the sense that they see our products like Pepsi and Kit Kats and decide to just get weird with them.
AFFotD has made it a point to keep you, the public, informed of such terrifying food antics by the nation of Japan, which is why we’re here to continue our look inside Japanese junk food with…
Goddamn it, Japan, You’re Doing It Wrong: Japanese Doritos