Make it alcoholic! No wait, make it milk for school lunches! Fuck it, we’re drunk, do whatever.”
We recently waxed the-opposite-of-poetic about Coca-Cola produced beverages that we found, to put it politely, shitty as shit. In doing our research for that article, we stumbled across a single product, available from 2003 to 2005, that we felt belonged on our list, until a quick look at its history let us know that, no, this drink is wonderful, and the most American thing we can think of, and we wish we had it today.
That drink is Swerve.
Swerve is a milk drink, but it’s so much more. It’s a microcosm of the product development process of modern day American consumerism. It’s an opportunistic combination of bad ideas and impractical dreams. It’s beautiful and it’s ugly and it’s everything about America, all mixed together into a sweetened milk drink.
Let’s talk about Swerve.
Swerve: Coca-Cola’s Almost Alcoholic Milk Product For School Lunches
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“This is by far the worst idea you’ve had, and you used to put cocaine in your drink and try to sell it to kids.”
~Coca-Cola Product Consultants Shortly Before Being Shouted Down
Coca-Cola holds an important place in America’s heart, and its economy. Ever since their humble beginnings as a non-alcoholic version of the poorly named John Pemberton’s French Wine Cola nerve tonic in Atlanta in 1886, originally-addictive-as-shit and still-technically-addictive beverage has grown to become the most valuable brand in the world, raking in over 45 billion dollars a year, with the power to do anything they want, from brushing aside antitrust legislation proposed by Pepsi to allegedly getting Colombian union leaders assassinated. The point being, Coca-Cola is an ingrained cultural and economic powerhouse, with dozens, if not hundreds, of brands and varieties across America and the globe.
Naturally, a very large part of Coca-Cola’s whole “made enough money in 2014 to surpass the GDP of 83 different countries” popularity comes from the fact that they make a delicious, American product. Coca-Cola is wonderful, and anyone who says otherwise is a Pepsi executive who contractually has to say that he hates Coke, even though we all know that Coke and Pepsi are the most interchangeable beverages imaginable. The taste preference in Cola brands generally falls between “the sweet one” and “the slightly sweeter one” with a handful of outliers saying, “I prefer the organic cola from Whole Foods because ouch stop that why are you flicking my ear that’s extremely annoying okay you know what you clearly don’t want a dialogue so I’ll just leave, you assholes.” But, Coke came first, and Coke is the world leader, and even if we might prefer the slightly sweeter one, Coca-Cola can do no wrong.
Well, okay that’s not true. They can do a lot of wrong. The following is wrong.
The Worst Coca-Cola Products in the World
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Posted in Strange Foods
Tagged America, apéritif, Beverly, blak, Coca-Cola, Cocaine, Coke, Fairlife, Kas, kvass, Mare Rosso, Milk, Nativa, New Coke, Pepsi, Vio, Yerba Mate
“*A constant horrifying stream of vomit*”
~American Soda drinkers
America loves soft drinks so much that every region tries to call it something else. Depending on your upbringing, you’ve spent your whole life drinking soda, pop, coke, soda pop, or fizzy drinks. Some of you even grew up enjoying “plain flavored carbonated beverages” but that’s just because you were home schooled, and your parents were too embarrassed to tell you they had tricked you into liking seltzer water. While carbonated water, the backbone of the soda industry, was first developed in 1767 by Joseph Priestley in, alas, England, America has long since used pop to fatten up our kids while keeping them obnoxiously hyperactive, with soda being available commercially stateside as early as 1806.
Pop is a part of our everyday life. The average American drinks almost 45 gallons of soft drinks every year. That sounds even more impressive when you realize that we only average 20 gallons of beer annually, so clearly someone must be doing something right in the R&D departments of old Coca-Cola and PepsiCo. We love our colas, our lemon-lime pops, hell, we even drink Mountain Dew. And while there are dozens, if not hundreds, of delicious sodas available at the nearest convenience to act as mixers for all sorts of deserving hard alcohols, there are some companies that, either on purpose or by terrible, terrible accident, make pop that is so repellant that even the Japanese have to take a step back and go, “Goddamn it America, you’re doing it wrong!”
Now’s the time to reflect and think about what you’ve done. Because some of you out there have drank these sodas. Willingly. Ye Gods.
America’s Grossest Soda Pops
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Posted in Strange America
Tagged America, Avery's, Cel-ray Soda, Coca-Cola, Hubba Bubba, Jones Soda, Lester Fixins, moxie, Pepsi, Pop, Soda, Soda Pop, strange flavors, Totally Gross Soda, Vio
~Johnny Roosevelt, After Being Poked By a Stick
Cinco de Mayo was pretty rough on the higher ups here at the America Fun Fact of the Day offices. We’re not here to name names, but certain descendants of certain badass presidents tried to see if they could chug an entire bottle of Tequila. It didn’t work out too well.
Here’s the thing about Tequila- unlike Whiskey, which is a cultivated art form in America, Tequila is a foreign liquor that invades American livers like, uh…some sort of liver termites? That’s gross. Like we said, Tequila does weird things to American minds.
We woke up and this was our damn screensaver
Anyway, when we’re not mentally able to give you an informative fact, we always have one Sunday tradition to fall back on…no, not church. It’s…
The American Events on the American Day of May 8th
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Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged 1984 Olympics, 1984 Olympics Boycott, America, Coca-Cola, Draft, March 8 Fun Fact, March 8 in History, Mexican-American War, Olympics, Paramount, Paramount Pictures, Post Office, Soviet Union, Today in American History