~Johnny Roosevelt, After Being Poked By a Stick
Cinco de Mayo was pretty rough on the higher ups here at the America Fun Fact of the Day offices. We’re not here to name names, but certain descendants of certain badass presidents tried to see if they could chug an entire bottle of Tequila. It didn’t work out too well.
Here’s the thing about Tequila- unlike Whiskey, which is a cultivated art form in America, Tequila is a foreign liquor that invades American livers like, uh…some sort of liver termites? That’s gross. Like we said, Tequila does weird things to American minds.
We woke up and this was our damn screensaver
Anyway, when we’re not mentally able to give you an informative fact, we always have one Sunday tradition to fall back on…no, not church. It’s…
The American Events on the American Day of May 8th
1792: America sets up the first military draft. To our readers who were born after 1975, a draft was a thing where the government would make you join the military and oh you know what? Just forget it. We don’t want some sort of retroactive Kent State thing.
1794: The American Post Office is established. To our readers who were born after 1985, the Post Office was a place where they would
1846: The first major battle of the Mexican-American War was fought. You don’t hear much about the Mexican-American War for the same reason why you don’t hear much about the New York Yankees beating some team you didn’t even know plays Baseball. It’s the same reason why a number one seed beating a 16 seed in March Madness is never newsworthy. We’re saying that Mexico’s army is a joke, basically.
1886: The first Coca-Cola, containing cocaine is sold. Thankfully, they’ve since replaced cocaine with gypsy fingernails as their addictive agent. Oh wait, you didn’t know that? Yup. Secret recipe.
1914: Paramount Pictures is found. Boobs?
1984: The Soviet Union announces their boycott of the Los Angeles Olympics. Guess who came out better in that one?
2011: AFFotD posts another exciting episode of “This day in American History”