Category Archives: Miscellaneous America

Do you want to know about America’s craziest patents? How about our worst reality TV shows? Are you curious about competitive beard growing? Do you wonder what that weird boil looking thing on your back is? We can tell you about all of those things (except the last one) and much much more in our Miscellaneous America section.

America’s Most Absurd Themed Cruises

“Thousands of dollars to be trapped at sea on a potentially-stomach-virus-ridden boat filled with obnoxious strangers?  No thank y…wait what’s that about open bar and all-you-can-eat buffets?  I’m fucking in.”

~Cruise Liner Customers

cruise ship

We all have either been on a cruise ship, or know someone who has.  It’s one of those vacations that feels fancy, in terms of cost and luxury, while also feeling kind of middle class, because rich people have their own boats, so it’s the rest of us who have to save up all year for a week of getting shitfaced on the ocean.  The average cruise enthusiast, and yes there are people who only vacation on cruise ships, is like, a mildly overweight but overall healthy middle-aged couple from suburban Texas named Pam and Ron who laugh very loudly at every joke, immediately befriend people waiting in lines with them, and who have a shared Facebook profile.  Like, there is a very specific kind of person who is really into cruises, and we totally support that person, they’re fun to talk to and every year they go on a cruise and make like, 20 lifelong friends, and that’s great.  But, if you’re anything like us, you’d assume that the cruise market is like, big but not huge.  There can only be so much demand for being crammed in a windowless room on a boat for like, $4,000 a week.  Right?

Wrong.  The cruise industry is huge.  Like, holy shit, 20 million people go on cruises every year.  It’s a $38 billion dollar industry that employs over 300,000 Americans.  It’s big business, apparently!  Enough people have been going on cruises for so long that newcomers to the industry have to find a way to separate themselves from the rest of the pack, and find niche customers outside of the general “we like to go on cruises everywhere” crowd (hi Pam, hi Ron, yes we did see that post of your daughter graduating high school, congratulations).  And so theme cruises burst on the scene, and have been growing in popularity exponentially in recent years.

You know what we’re talking about.  It’s a cruise to somewhere exotic and warm, but with special events that are related on a basic theme.  That theme could be a singles cruise, it could be a Star Trek cruise (also known as a singles cruise), or it might just be a cruise ship where you get to party with Kid Rock.  And while you might have heard about a few of the sillier sounding ones, like the Gronk cruise, you’d be shocked to know the sheer amount of theme cruises available, with all sorts of weird themes. Like, did you know there are an insane amount of scrapbook cruises?  One scrapbook themed cruise should be enough to facilitate everyone in the middle of the Venn diagram of “likes cruises” and “is way into scrapbooking” but apparently not.  And these aren’t even the most absurd themed cruises out there.  We could show you all sorts of crazy ones.

Oh what’s that?  You’d like us to do that?  Oh, okay then, sure.

America’s Most Absurd Themed Cruises

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A Brief, Incomplete History of the American Basketball Association (No, The OTHER ABA): Part 4- Even More Defunct Teams

“I don’t see why no one took our team seriously.”

~Owner of the Memphis Houn’Dawgs

aba patch

Obviously by this point we’ve made enough jokes about the American Basketball Association that we don’t really need an intro to this article.  So, sure, you might think we’ve covered it all, from the league’s history to its current and former teams.  Except, remember, this is a league that has 350 teams disappear in its short history.  So of course there are a lot more former teams than current teams.  A lot lot more.  Here are the last teams we’ve decided to make fun of in this silly, unnecessary, wonderful league. 

A Brief, Incomplete History of the American Basketball Association (No, The OTHER ABA): Part 4- Even More Defunct Teams  Continue reading

A Brief, Incomplete History of the American Basketball Association (No, The OTHER ABA): Part 3- The Defunct Teams

“If someone forms an ABA team, but no one watches it, does the team exist?”

~Famous ABA Proverb

aba logo

We’ve posted a few articles so far telling you about the revived American Basketball Association, with its hundreds of teams and its general lawlessness.  Many of you have responded, “So what, why do you care so much about this league that no one watches,” to which we say you clearly aren’t drunk enough to get it, man.  But seriously, this league is hilarious, and we love it, so we’re going to continue talking about it until we run out of absurd teams to talk about.

In this particular instance, we skimmed through the 350+ teams that have formed and disbanded in the league’s 17-year history to find the ones that are particularly hilarious to us.  And so we present part three of our four-part series on the new and improved (?) ABA.

A Brief, Incomplete History of the American Basketball Association (No, The OTHER ABA): Part 3- The Defunct Teams

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A Brief, Incomplete History of the American Basketball Association (No, The OTHER ABA): Part 2- The Teams

“I’m on the DMV Warriors. Yeah, I know.”

~ABA Basketball Players

aba patch

Last week we went over the history of the second iteration of the American Basketball Association, or ABA, which so far has not given us a player like Moses Malone, but has had thousands upon thousands of people play in it since its 2000 inauguration simply due to the fact that over 350 teams have shuttered in the league’s relatively brief history. Though comically enough, this iteration of the ABA has already lasted a good eight years longer than its predecessor. Lol.

So far, we’ve already talked about the league, with its “so hands off it practically does not exist” management style and it’s “wait you potentially can score a 5-point field goal?” rule set. Now we’re going to take a step back and look at the beating heart of the league. The teams themselves.

A Brief, Incomplete History of the American Basketball Association (No, The OTHER ABA): Part 2- The Teams

map

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A Brief, Incomplete History of the American Basketball Association (No, The OTHER ABA): Part 1- The League

“Cool, I own a semi-pro basketball team!  Oh wait, nevermind…”

~ABA Team Owner

 aba logo

The American Basketball Association, or ABA, was a major professional league that competed against the NBA until the two leagues merged in 1976.  The American Basketball Association, or ABA, is also a semi-pro basketball minor league founded in the year 2000 that is, just, lol.  These are very different leagues.  Now, yes, the new ABA was co-founded by Richard Tinkham, one of the co-founders of the original American Basketball Association, and sure, they pay players to play basketball, but otherwise, the similarities stop there. Since its founding, the new and not-really-improved ABA has weathered an NBA lawsuit and the folding of over 350 teams, which is a success rate that you’d expect more from open heart surgery in the 19th century than  from viable semi-professional sport franchises.

But this weird, unique, American Basketball Association, for all its nuances, is truly America at its finest. It’s democratic, letting just about any asshole buy their own basketball team…which they often do.  It’s also unlike anything we’ve ever seen before in semi-pro leagues, and we say that as a website that has written multiple articles about the myriad of indoor football leagues in our fine nation.

But this one is going to take a bit longer to unpack.  Four articles, in fact.  One to tell you about the league.  One to tell you about the teams.  And two to tell you about the comically ridiculous teams that tried, and failed, to become successful franchises in the ABA.  Because, oh boy, there are a lot of those.  A lot.  Let’s dive in to the most insane basketball league ever invented.

A Brief, Incomplete History of the American Basketball Association (No, The OTHER ABA): Part 1- The League

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The Transpotimers: A Bitcoin-Adjacent Time Travel Company Specializing in Science Fiction Literature, Memes, and Song Parodies (Our Title Writer Just Had a Stroke)

“Step one, write a book. Step two, post some memes. Step three, make an wireless coin.  Step four, ?.  Step five, invent time travel.”

~Roberto TM

 roberto tm

The internet is a nebulous, scary place. When it’s not bringing people to this site who are OUTRAGED at Americans making fun of Latvian food, it’s letting people create websites devoted to theories and thoughts that would normally be relegated to the ranting screams of a Subway station hobo.  Of course, when the internet finds a way to get REALLY crazy, we’re there to document the insanity.  And sometimes, the insanity finds out about it and threatens us.  We don’t anticipate that level of vitriol to come from this article, but we probably will lose our space on our time travel bus.

Yes, time travel bus.

Just, okay guys, hold onto your fucking dicks (that goes double for our lady readers) because this is going to get bananas.

The Transpotimers: A Bitcoin-Adjacent Time Travel Company Specializing in Science Fiction Literature, Memes, and Song Parodies (Our Title Writer Just Had a Stroke)

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Dumb and Funny Initial Statements Made To An Arresting Officer

“I’m not as officer as you drunk I am, vomit.”

~Initial Statement Made By An AFFotD Staffer to His Arresting Officer

 stormtrooper

Most of us will go through our lives without having to feel the cold steel of handcuffs on our wrists outside of sexually adventurous situations. The rest of us, disproportionately made up of our nation’s finer drinkers, have felt that feeling because we’ve been arrested.  Deserved or not, any time you’re arrested it’s fair to say it’s not one of your better days.  However, most of us in that situation do either one of two things—the calm and rational of us just shut up and wait till they can get legal representation to sort that shit out, and the more hot headed of us lose their shit and make things worse.  However, there is a third category.

Some of us, when we meet an arresting officer, say something idiotic, yet hilarious.  This is about those Americans.

Dumb and Funny Initial Statements Made To An Arresting Officer

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Three of the Oldest Trees of All Time (Were Killed by Americans)

“Fuck Nature.”

~AFFotD Credo

 burning tree

We, as in America, as a nation, are dicks to trees.  It’s totally their fault, standing there all majestic and in our way.  Not even moving when they see fires.  Trees are dumbasses, and we shouldn’t mourn them.  That’s at least what we tell ourselves, to make us feel better about that whole “we are dicks to trees” thing.

So how much of dicks are we to trees?  Well, the oldest known tree lives in the White Mountains.  It was measured by Tom Harlan, a researcher at the Laboratory of Tree-Ring Research at the University of Arizona, in 2012.  That tree is, as of the writing of this article, 5,066 years old.  And we are such dicks to trees that, out of fear that we’d destroy it out of pure delightful spite, Harlan straight up wouldn’t tell anyone where it was.  And guess what?  Harlan died the following year, possibly taking his secret to his grave (okay realistically it was recorded at the Laboratory of Tree-Ring Research, but it feels cooler to pretend that this 5,000 year old tree is hidden in a random forest like nature’s Ark of the Covenant).  There is a non-zero chance that this tree has since been killed by some dumbass hiker, or some man-made forest fire, because this is America dammit, and we’re real good at killing things.

No, seriously.  Three of the oldest trees to have ever graced this planet since the dawn of man have been destroyed by good old American know-how.  Let’s talk about dead trees.

Three of the Oldest Trees of All Time (Were Killed by Americans)

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The Informative America’s Guide to Child-Rearing (Originally Published June, 1952)

“Hahaha, Jesus, how did anyone survive the 50s?”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

 los ninos

We haven’t always been known as America Fun Fact of the Day.  In fact, we haven’t always been a strictly online medium.  No, back in the 1950s, we published a series of newsletters, entitled “The Informative American.”  Every once and a while, to go back to our roots, we re-publish some of these old articles, which prove that while our tastes in whiskey hasn’t changed much, just about everything else has.   The 50s were insane, is basically what we’re saying.

Anyway, we bring this up because we saw the publication of a book by Chris Wild called The Retronaut Guide to Raising Children, and noticed that the pictures inside looked awfully familiar.  And that’s because they were.  We had posted the very same pictures back in 1952 in one of our Informative American articles.  So, with an explicit warning that our staff was horrifically offensive by today’s standards back in the day, and possibly struggling with some personal demons regarding their own married lives, here is that post, terrifyingly unedited.  Enjoy.

The Informative America’s Guide to Child-Rearing (Originally Published June, 1951)

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The History of The Adventures of MC Skat Kat and the Stray Mob

“Hahaha, the late 80s and early 90s were a MESS.”

~AFFotD’s Historian

mc skat cat

Everyone loved the 1989 music video for Opposites Attract when it came out, even though it has aged about as gracefully as Laura Flynn Boyle.  For those of you too young to remember the music video’s popularity (or those of you too wired on cocaine to remember those years), it was a duet between Paula Abdul and a cartoon cat named “MC Skat Kat” voiced by “The Wild Pair.”  As with most things that happened between 1988 and 1992, we have to go out of our way to confirm that, yes, this was a thing that actually happened, and no, we’re not making this up.  Our staff has long since drunk away any semblance of creativity, so trust us, making up something this comically stupid is beyond us.

The song shot up to #1 on the charts, and because music executives are as [redacted] as they are [redacted again, seriously they’ve threatened to sue us if we publish this analogy] they decided they were going to cash in (or should we say kash in) on the popularity of this groovy hip hop kat who raps about staying out and partying by giving him his own album.

So in 1991, the same year that N.W.A. disbanded, the album The Adventures of MC Skat Kat and the Stray Mob was released on Virgin Records.  It was produced by Paula Abdul, had a comically “this is how the young kids talk nowadays right?” press release attached to it, and it is awful.

Let’s talk about it.

The History of The Adventures of MC Skat Kat and the Stray Mob

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