Category Archives: Miscellaneous America

Do you want to know about America’s craziest patents? How about our worst reality TV shows? Are you curious about competitive beard growing? Do you wonder what that weird boil looking thing on your back is? We can tell you about all of those things (except the last one) and much much more in our Miscellaneous America section.

8 TV Shows That the Emmys LOVE (and the Golden Globes HATE)

“Wait, Mrs. Doubtfire won a Golden Globe for Best Comedy or Musical? I’m not sure if that lessens our opinion of the Globes, or improves it…”

~AFFotD’s In-House Film Critic

golden globes

When honoring television series, there are only two award shows we trust—The Golden Globes and the Primetime Emmys. The Globes, of course, award television and film, and are ruled by the whims of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, a secretive group of people with some questionable credentials and qualifications, while the Emmys celebrate all aspects of television production, not just best shows and actors, and are awarded by the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences, a group of producers, writers, and actors dedicated to the advancement of the television industry. Both awards are broadcast on national television in a national event filled all sorts of well-respected and regarded celebrities and also Mel Gibson sometimes is there. But outside of their categorical differences (the Globes have movie stars! The Emmys have a prize that’s just “Outstanding Production Design For a Narrative Period of Fantasy Program [One Hour or More]!”) these two organizations also differ in one major way.

Taste.

While the Golden Globes are notorious for nominating, and even awarding, shows that never even catch a whiff of an Emmy nomination (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, for example, won Best Comedy and Best Leading Actor in 2014, two categories it has never even been nominated for in the Emmys), there are a whole slew of well-regarded shows that, apparently, the Golden Globes think are butt.

There could be a lot of reasons for this! It could be that the Foreign Press prefers to award less “popular” shows than the Emmys do. It could be that they are inclined to lean more towards non-American-created content. Or it might be that the Emmys are run by a group of people who work solely in television, and the Globes are run by like 90 people who do things like write fake interviews with Drew Barrymore for inflight magazines. We could do a deep dive, dig up research, and examine social trends, and get to the real meat of why this happens.

Or we could just randomly pick like, oh, what’s a good number…eight? Yeah, if we were really lazy, we could just pick eight shows the Globes hate, and laugh about it. But this is a respectable publication, so we would never do that to you, right?

8 TV Shows That the Emmys LOVE (and the Golden Globes HATE) Continue reading

We Need to Talk About Dr. Seuss’ Weird Ass Taxidermy Creatures

“May I kill them with a knife?

May I rid these things of life?

They give me nightmares I can’t stand

Please burn it all, Sam I Am”

~Seriously Though, These Are Freaky As Hell

dr seiss

Dr. Seuss is one of those true American heroes who have reputations that are impossible to tarnish. Like, sure, he did some racist political cartoons about the Japanese back in World War II, but we’re usually pretty okay ignoring that. It was war after all, and compared to his peers his cartoons were, um, well almost quaint. Besides, he’s an all-time American, and his books are timeless for a reason. Brimming with whimsy and imagination, every red-blooded Americans who didn’t have a mom or dad that took the whole “alternative parenting” thing too far grew up reading Green Eggs and Ham or One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish (fun fact about the latter—he wrote it on a fucking dare. Someone bet he couldn’t write a book using just 50 unique words or less. He used 49).

The point being, Dr. Seuss is a treasure, and nothing he could do would make us say otherwise. You could tell us he lived a second life killing farmhands in rural Nebraska, where he was known as “The Scarecrow Killer” and we’d be like, “Well, let’s just say he had a complicated legacy, but he probably did more good than bad.” So with that in mind, we’re going to talk to you about his “collection of unorthodox taxidermy” which is almost enough to tarnish his reputation. It doesn’t, but it does weird us the fuck out, and we need to talk about it.

We Need to Talk About Dr. Seuss’ Weird Ass Taxidermy Creatures

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10 Places Humans Actually Decided to Draw a Dick

“Heh. Penis.”

~Just About Every Male Vandal

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It’s 2019 now, so why not start things off with the article that will finally cause Google to de-list us from their search engine? Listen, we’ve never been one to shy away from a dick joke. Hell, we even wrote an entire article that was just a list of entertainers whose names are sort of dick jokes that have stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. A whole article! But in general, we like to keep our stuff respectable, decent, with just a few dick jokes scattered throughout our otherwise serious reporting. You know, serious reporting such as books about drinking pee, or weird burritos. So if you think that jokes about male genitalia are “juvenile” or “un-refined” or “no, sorry, I just don’t really care for the taste of alcohol, that’s all” then you are more than welcome to read one of our many articles on topics that weren’t clearly suggested by giggling 14-year-olds. May we suggest our series on goofy photos of former presidents?

But for those of you who are still with us, we are here to talk about penis vandalism. Yes, much like the Netflix mockumentary American Vandal. Only, we’re not limiting ourselves to dicks drawn on a bunch of cars. (Seriously if you have not watched American Vandal, do so, you’ll appreciate it.) We’re looking much, much bigger (Heh. Nice).

Because sure, any amateur can carve a dick in freshly poured concrete, or into a school desk, or on a tree (preferably inside on of the giant TJ <3S AD hearts). But that’s small potatoes. This is the big league. And only a true master can pull off the following phallic phenomenon.

10 Places Humans Actually Decided to Draw a Dick

(warning, this article will contain many pictures of crudely drawn penises. So if a tall arch and two circles offends your sensibilities, here’s an article about how the recipe for Mac and Cheese was stolen from a slave who committed suicide at the age of 36. So yeah, maybe there are things other than 2-D dicks out there to get upset about maybe?)

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The Most Absurd College Bowl Game Names of 2018

“Congrats, after a full season of hard work, your team has been selected to play…The Dollar General Bowl. We’re so sorry.”

~NCAA Selection Committee

bowl games

There’s a lot of money to be made in College Football. No, not by the players, that’s ridiculous. Obviously, we’re talking about the money out there for schools and the NCAA in general. Yeah, no, fuck those students, they get to go to school for free, and all it costs is spending countless hours practicing, weightlifting, and training, and then putting their bodies in peril every Saturday for three months. But again, everyone else, they’re able to get a lot of money from College Football. And nowhere is that more evident than during Bowl Game season.

This Saturday the Celebration Bowl will kick off a slate of games that, between ticket sales, sponsorships, and naming rights, exist solely as cash grabs for schools across the nation. Every team that mustered up six wins will go ahead and play each other for a bonus game of which only a handful carry any real stakes. But we’re not here to talk about the perils of the Bowl system, or about the NCAA, or anything like that. We don’t really like delving into serious matters like that. We’d much rather talk about goofy names.

So let’s talk about all of the Bowl games that have hilarious, silly names, shall we?

The Most Absurd College Bowl Game Names of 2018

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We Can Finally Visit Buckhorn Lake State Resort Park

“It’s heads. Oh thank God.”

~50% of Buckhorn Voters

buckhorn

Sometimes, Democracy doesn’t work quite the way we want it to. It’s both one of the greatest, and most frustrating, aspects of the system. Democracy doesn’t always get it “right” but, at the very least, it allows us to eventually correct our mistakes. Case in point—alcohol. As much as we drink to forget, a generation of Americans couldn’t legally buy booze for thirteen years, despite the fact that we’re pretty sure the best parts of the Constitution were written when James Madison was half in the bag. But we also eventually came to our senses, and now you can drink in most places except for random pockets of the country that we’d never want to ever go to. That’s why, after 2018 elections, we are proud to announce that, at long last…

We Can Finally Visit Buckhorn Lake State Resort Park

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The History of All Six Desks Ever Used in the Oval Office

“Fuck you I want my own goddamn desk.”

~Lyndon B. Johnson

white house desk

Years ago, in the infancy of our existence as a website, we wrote about The White House, because what is more American than having our President live a mansion where he can get his work done while having a cheeseburger sent to his room at 3AM as he drunkenly calls the President of Greece to tell him that Ouzo sucks? But we didn’t really devote a lot of time to the actual Oval Office, where shit gets done.  And when we think of the one defining feature of the Oval Office (other than the shape, smartass), we think of the desk where the President sits and, we can say this with absolute certainty, farts at least a few times a day.

The President’s desk is ornate, and “presidential” and, somewhat shockingly, usually shared. In fact, in the whole history of the White House, there have only been six desks used in the Oval Office, many shared by Presidents with very different ideologies who somehow have managed to avoid carving dicks in the wood as a gift to their successors. We’re amazed they had the restraint. We wouldn’t have. If we had to give our desk to the guy replacing us, it’d be dick central. You couldn’t find a spot on the thing that didn’t have dicks.

This article is not going to be about dicks carved into White House furniture. It is, however about…

The History of All Six Desks Ever Used in the Oval Office

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Let’s Check in on Christopher Blair (Busta Troll, Shameless Runner of America’s Last Line of Defense), Shall We?

“Are you dickbags still online? Why? Nobody has ever cared what you think.”

~Christopher Blair

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So you might not remember Christopher Blair. He took a weirdly personal interest in our site (full disclosure, we absolutely started it by sending a drunk and foul mouthed email to one of his writers at like 2AM on a Sunday) back in September of 2017. To bring you up to speed, this 40-something former construction worker runs a series of websites including the now-defunct thelastlineofdefense.org. That particular site posted a “fake news” story that was what fake news used to be called—a real big old fucking lie. It used a picture of an actual Muslim cleric, saying he was refusing to help hurricane survivors, and it got that cleric death threats. That greatly upset us, because we are satirical but we do not stoke hatred unless it is very carefully focused to a deserving party (like this article is stoking hatred towards Christopher Blair, but he can fuck off into a volcano for all we care). Anyway, we wrote a Very Serious Piece (seriously, no dick jokes or anything. Okay maybe a few?) about it, which you can see here..

We emailed the writer of the cleric piece (did we call him the C-word? Listen, the answer is yes, but to be fair, the writer was kind of being a C-word?) and he got back to us with some glib comments, basically along the lines of “Y U MAD?” But he pushed it further down the chain until Christopher Blair himself, BUSTA TROLL, blessed us with an emailed response. It was SO EPIC he posted about it on his Facebook page. His SICK burn was a mix of “lol we have more readers then you” and “look at ALL THIS MONEY I MAKE FROM THIS” with some kind of D-film Bond villain level “we are trolling on the next level LET ME TELL YOU MY PLAN” shit sprinkled in there. It was so DEVASTATING that we posted his email response IN FULL on our own website. We wrote about him 13 months ago.

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We’re really trying to do this right by only focusing on Christopher’s toxic personality, but like, we’d be remiss if we didn’t at last whisper “…m…make your own Taft joke here.”

We’ll run down our basic points here.

1- Writing an article trying to trick people into thinking something fake is actually real is not satire, it’s hack as SHIT.

2- If you get more readers than our site by doing that, we…don’t really give a fuck? Just stop doing bad shit that just makes people angry?

3- Christopher Blair insists that he’s a “Liberal Troll” here to “expose the idiots on the far right” and since our posting, people have died because of heated tensions between both sides of the spectrum, so, like, maybe it’s not working out like you planned, Busta?

4- Blair practically pulled a hamstring bragging to us, in a way to prove that we are “worthless,” how his fake news sites have helped pay for his FORD EXCURSION and the $8,000 he spent on his tortoise enclosure. Haha, just kidding, that would be super depressing if…oh sorry, wait, no that is real, that’s not us making something up to make fun of him. Our bad.

5- He’s a truly awful writer, he’s bad for America, and no matter how pissy he gets it won’t change that.

We posted it and immediately got an email from Christopher Blair along the lines of “LOL NO ONE READS YOUR SHIT ANYWAY” to which we said… “Um YOU read it?”

We then had a weird back and forth with the writer of the original offending piece, going by David Tango Foxtrot, who closed things off, confusingly, with, “We may disagree here, but I have to say, you’re a damn good writer. Respect.”

…K?

We assumed that was Christopher, but have confirmed it is in fact one of the only other writers in his employ. But anyway, ALL OF THIS is to bring us to the purpose of this article.

Let’s check in on Christopher Blair, shall we?

Let’s Check in on Christopher Blair (The Self-Proclaimed “Kingpin of Fake News”), Shall We?

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The Most Terrifying Wax Statues at Louis Tussaud’s Niagara Falls Waxworks Museum

“What the hell am I looking at?”

~Guests of Louis Tussaud’s Waxworks

wax trump

Just about everyone has at least heard of Madame Tussauds—it’s pretty much the gold standard for wax sculptor museums in the world. The original location in London opened in 1835, but dozens of satellite museums have sprung up all over the world during the 180 years of its existence. Now just because something is famous doesn’t mean it’s “necessary.” If we’re being completely honest, wax sculpture museums are very creepy and uncanny valley even at their best.

Which brings us to Louis Tussaud, Marie Tussad’s great-grandson who took up the family business and…well, his legacy is less than exciting. The Louis Tussaud’s Waxwork Museum located in Grand Yarmouth, for example, was called the “world’s worst waxwork museum” before it closed in 2012. His other locations aren’t that much better. So, um, strap in we guess, because we looked through some of the offerings of the Niagara Falls location of Louis Tussaud’s Waxworks, and what we found…well it’s not great. It’s very not great.

The Most Terrifying Wax Statues at Louis Tussaud’s Niagara Falls Waxworks Museum

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AFFotD’s Book Review: Your Own Perfect Medicine by Martha M. Christy

“It’s piss. The miracle cure is piss.”

~Spoilers

your own perfect medicine

As red-blooded, coal-chewing, ripping-still-beating-hearts-out-of-deer’s-chests-and-biting-into-our-kill Americans, we usually have more important things to do than “read books.” Fuller House isn’t going to binge-watch itself, you know? That said, on occasion, we have found books so insane, so purely ridiculous, that we’ve felt like it’s been our duty to review it for the masses. We’ve talked about DNA Nannies, a 1943 pamphlet from the War Department about employing women, the cringe-worthy pick-up artist guide Smooth Talking, and, of course, Kill All the Belgians. We’ve set the bar pretty high in terms of “how ridiculous does a book have to be to catch our attention” and, well, Americans, let us tell you. That bar has been passed by Martha M. Christy.

That’s because Your Own Perfect Medicine: The Incredible Proven Natural Miracle Cure that Medical Science Has Never Revealed is 221 pages gently demanding that you drink your own pee. And so, yeah, we had to read it. And tell you about it. Because as much as books are boring, books that try to make you pee into your mouth are hilarious. So let’s dive in.

AFFotD’s Book Review: Your Own Perfect Medicine by Martha M. Christy

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Gotti Is Undertaking the Most Insane Ad Campaign We’ve Ever Seen, and It’s Even Crazier Than You’ve Heard

gotti

We now take a break from our non-stop “writing about fictional Presidents” coverage for some breaking, dare we say, topical news. We normally don’t write about things “as they happen” because we’ve had to “cut back on staff when bourbon prices started going up” and “prefer to spend our Tuesdays day drinking” but this story caught our eye, and we had to weigh in.

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