Category Archives: Miscellaneous America

Do you want to know about America’s craziest patents? How about our worst reality TV shows? Are you curious about competitive beard growing? Do you wonder what that weird boil looking thing on your back is? We can tell you about all of those things (except the last one) and much much more in our Miscellaneous America section.

Tomcat Films Makes The Best (Worst) Movies in America

“Shit, superman is taken? How about ‘Hero Dude’?  No?  Well let’s do some re-shoots and get this bitch distributed!”

~Ted Chalmers

 panda-saurus

Making it big in the American film industry requires talent, perseverance, knowing the right people, and a whole lot of luck.  Unfortunately, not every American who wants to go into show business was born with Brad Pitt’s face or Willem Dafoe’s prodigious genitalia, and most dreams in Tinseltown end where they begin- holding back tears as you scrub semen stains off a producer’s couch. But there’s a strange and frankly wonderful niche among all the critically acclaimed Indie darlings and massive blockbuster hits that is lucrative enough to account for 90% of the DVDs your grandma buys for you at Walmart.  That niche, of course, is the Mockbuster- super cheap, poorly CGI’d films that riff on popular blockbusters with names juuuust close enough to trick people into thinking “Wow, The Dark Knight’s on DVD for only $2.99!  Weird that they didn’t spell it with the K, but whatever.”

One of these Mockbuster purveyors is Tomcat Films, now under the umbrella of Summer Hill Films.  So we took one look at their offerings to the public and said to ourselves, hell yeah, let’s talk about the hilariously bad movies these guys have produced.  And holy hell, did they not disappoint.  So grab your off-brand popcorn and get ready for a master class in so-bad-they’re-good-and-then-bad-again movie making

Tomcat Films Makes The Best (Worst) Movies in America

Continue reading

Great Moments in Spam Responses: International Journal of Advanced Computer Technology

“Get me off your fucking mailing list.”

~David Mazières and Eddie Kohler

get-me-off-your-list

If you put a gun to our head and told us to tell you one thing that’s wrong with America, we’d press our forehead into the barrel and say, “That pussies like you don’t have the stones to pull the trigger.”  But if you asked nicely, and weren’t a dick about it, we’d say, “probably the existence of companies and publications employing predatory tactics to gain profit.”  And while businesses that gain all their profits through legal-but-shady means are a global phenomenon, America does unfortunately have its fair share of assholes who trick the gullible, frightened, and elderly into giving them money.

One surprising and somewhat unsettling form this has taken involves, of all things, science.  Specifically, “academic journals” that solely exist to mill out publications for graduate students and members of STEM academia.  These publications spam academics and will post just about anything so long as they get their publication fee.  One of those publications is the International Journal of Advanced Computer Technology which is the equivalent of us calling our website the International Publication of Extraordinary Patriotic Informative Studies, which is to say it’s a bullshit name for a bullshit publication (yes we are including ourselves in the “bullshit” category).  And that’s why it was so wonderful when, in 2014, Peter Vamplew, Associate Professor at Federation University Australia, decided to fuck with this publication, to amazing effect.  This is his story.

Great Moments in Spam Responses:  International Journal of Advanced Computer Technology

Continue reading

The First Season of the NFL was Ridiculous

“You can’t both be called the Tigers.  Or you can.  Whatever.  We’re kind of making this up as we go along.”

~Jim Thorpe, the first president of the NFL

football

The NFL is part of our nation’s DNA, exhibiting everything we stand for.  Teamwork.  Perseverance.  Struggle.  Old white men punishing people when they dance too much in celebration.  A shocking inability to properly handle domestic abuse.  And, of course, Tom Brady’s cleft chin.  Imagining America without football is almost impossible.  What would we do with our winter Sundays?  Football is in the bible, you guys.  “On the seventh day, the Lord kicked back a 12 pack on his recliner and watched NFL Red Zone with a close eye on his fantasy team.”

We think.  Listen, just like most Americans, we like to use the bible to make our point, despite not having really “read it.”  But we digress.

The point is, as much as we assume that football has always been with us, there was a time when the league was brand new and very, very ridiculous.  So let’s hop in a time machine of words and go back to 1920, where the first season of a National Football League took place.  It was sloppy as hell.

The First Season of the NFL was Ridiculous

Continue reading

The 5 Most Expensive American Guns Ever Sold In Auction

“Pew pew pew.  That’ll be a million dollars, please.”

~Gun Auctioneers, Probably?

thompson1928a1

America loves and hates guns more than any other country in the world, though apparently Serbia is trying their best to give us a run for our money.  We’re not here to talk about gun laws or crime in the nation, because God that just sounds like a fucking chore.  So instead, we’re going to talk about very old guns that were purchased by very rich (presumably white and old) people, because no matter what you think about gun culture, it is pretty wild to imagine spending a million dollars on some two hundred year old metal contraption that could maybe still kill a person.

The 5 Most Expensive American Guns Ever Sold In Auction

Continue reading

The National Anthems Of The World Series: Part 1- The Most Metal National Anthem Lyrics

“Oh say can you see…by the dawn’s…*30% of the crowd starts to mumble the rest of the lyrics that they only know three-quarters of*”

~The National Anthem of the United States

flag-anthem

The Star-Spangled Banner is, as the kids say, a jam.  Our national anthem since 1931, it’s pretty much the one song that you can get punched in the face for disparaging other than Drunk in Love in this country.  But if you really take a step back and look at it objectively, for a song that we hold such deep reverence for, it’s pretty surprising that it’s even a song we know in the first place.  We literally took a popular British drinking song that we’d been changing the lyrics to, parody style, for years (basically an Olde-Timey version of “Call You Maybe”) and stuck in a poem about a time a bunch of British people attacked a fort during the War of 1812, and were like, yeah this seems patriotic, let’s turn it into our National Anthem in like, 120 years.

But it works!  And that’s the thing with National Anthems, so long as they swell and you can get a good low angle shot of an Olympic Athlete’s eyes getting a bit misty hearing it, no one really reads that much into what they say.  Who among you actually knows what a rampart is?  Like, who can describe a rampart without having to use Wikipedia, right now?  Okay, sure, you just got it, but not all of us aced our SAT Verbal Exams, asshole.

Anyway, this all made us think about National Anthems.  Because just about every country has them, and not every country has ever had cause to write a poem about fighting the British in a battle.  Most countries, sure.  But not all.  And so we dug through English translations of every single National Anthem out there, and, well, there’s so much we want to share.

So welcome to our National Anthem series.  We’ll spend the next few weeks going through the most depressing National Anthems, as well as the National Anthems that convey the lowest self-esteem.  But first, we want to get the fun ones out of the way.  Because guess what?  A lot of National Anthems are metal as fuck.  So let’s start there.

The National Anthems Of The World Series:  Part 1- The Most Metal National Anthem Lyrics

rampart

We’re still only like 40% sure what a rampart is, though.

Continue reading

The Strangest (Unofficial) Lego Sets You Can Actually Buy

“Leggo my Lego!”

~That’s not their slogan…

lego

Legos are so ingenious we’re frankly surprised they’re not from America.  They were actually invented in Denmark or Sweden or one of those countries way up over there, we don’t really care, we have a hard enough time figuring out if it’s Vermont or New Hampshire that borders Maine to care about where other countries are.  That being said, Lego is kind of the perfect toy—it encourages creativity in children, and Asperger-level concentration and commitment in adults.  The genius of Lego lies in its adaptability—if The Lego Movie taught us anything, it’s that Will Ferrell is kind of an asshole of a dad.  No, wait, it’s that you shouldn’t limit your imagination.  Well, that imagination is alive and well in America, in the form of custom Lego sets, for sale, by third party vendors.  Okay, so maybe you’re not using your imagination by buying them, but they are at the very least…unique.

The Strangest (Unofficial) Lego Sets You Can Actually Buy

Continue reading

America’s Most Absurdly Pointless Museums

“This would be so much better if there was a bar here.”

~Museum Patrons

image002

Museums are an important part of American culture.  They unite us to our history and offer a serviceable way to spend a Sunday afternoon.  Museums are mostly fine!  Some are actually pretty cool!  Museums, or institutions that conserve and collect objects of various historic, cultural, artistic, or scientific significance, have been around for  thousands of years.  Literally every nation that isn’t ISIS has museums, because people want to feel connected to their past, present, and future, and looking at the leather jacket worn by the Fonz is a great way to help you do that.

Naturally, America does museums as well as anyone else.  According to Trip Advisor, for example, 6 of the 25 best museums in the world are in the United States, including the #1 and #3 museums out there (the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York and the Chicago Art Institute, respectively) which is frankly astonishing considering that we’re competing against countries such as England, Greece and France who have literally thousands of more years of cultural history than we possess.  We’re kicking ass even when we’re competing with places like the Louvre and the Acropolis!

So yes, America knows how to do classy, important museums.  But there is one category where no other nation is even close to catching up to us in.  America is by far the master at museums that are utterly pointless to the point of hilarity.  We have a museum for everything here.  Everything.  To prove our point, we’re here to present you with…

America’s Most Absurdly Pointless Museums

Continue reading

The 5 Best Presidential Pets in American History

“Squack, I’ll keep whatever pet I goddamn well please, squack.”

~Andrew Jackson’s Pet Parrot

Horse

It’s almost an unwritten rule that America’s President take care of a pet during their stay in the White House, even if the only reason is that having a pet is a good way to make the man with more power than anyone else in the free world just a tad bit more relatable.  And also because pets are adorable.  Currently, the White House is home to two Portuguese Water Dogs, and dogs and cats are pretty typical presidential pets because they’re pretty typical regular pets.  But that’s not always the case.  Throughout our nation’s histories, some presidents have decided, “I’m the President, goddamn it, I can choose any pet I want” before taking care of the best and most insane pets ever.

Here are five times that American Presidents thought a bit outside the box when it came to pets.

The 5 Best Presidential Pets in American History

yooooo

Continue reading

More of the Most Absurd Change.org Petitions in America

“I’m totally signing that fire ants petition, though.”

~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD.com Editor-in-Chief

change

Back in May, we went through change.org to find some of the most absurd petitions in existence.  It was fun.  One dude wanted to rename the planet Uranus to Planet Reagan, because Uranus sounds like a dirty word.  See, the best thing about change.org is that there’s no real oversight or accountability, which means that when we posted absurd petitions, it was not the result of some deep search through the entire history of the site.  Those were all created within a day of each other.  We decided, hell, that was fun, so let’s do it again.  Because, honestly, change.org is the best website on the internet if you want to find a healthy mix of people clearly posting joke petitions, and those who are both insane and angry.  That’s why we’re here to present…

More of the Most Absurd Change.org Petitions in America

Continue reading

Matthew McConaughey is a Bad Dog Dad: An Important Exposé

“We could do tacos…we could do thai…Oo, how about sushi?”

~Matthew McConaughey to TWO GODDAMN DOGS

mcchey 1

This year, Matthew McConaughey continued his confusing commercial work with the Lincoln Motor Company, because he was in that one Lincoln lawyer movie, A Time to Kill.  For those of you who have not seen a McConaughey Lincoln commercial, who are you and what pleasure do you get lying to websites on the internet?  The the rest of (all of) you who know what we’re talking about, we’ll still run down the basics.  There’s McConaughey driving a Lincoln.  Soft music plays.  He’s saying something that sounds folksy but really isn’t (“I used to drive this kind of car and now I get paid to drive this kind of car”) and then he gives the camera a sly look through the rear view mirror that’s all, “Ha ha, I got my statue I can do whatever the fuck I want.”

America has stood behind that.  Nay, America has united behind that.  But then McConaughey had to go ahead and film a commercial that proves that he is a terrible Dog Dad, and his dogs must be taken away from him before he causes them irreversible harm.

Continue reading