“Okay, so Mario has to get the Star-Rod, but you can also play as Peach, who gets help from Twink, okay guys what is it why are you all giggling?”

~Nintendo 64’s Focus Group Leader

The last article we posted was an 18,000 word piece that took us five days to write, and at least 20 hours to research. It was a state-by-state analysis of how each America is handling the COVID-19 crisis that is currently *insert some cliche “we’re in this together” bullshit you’ve heard in like 500,000 commercials.*

So naturally, since people are talking about how we “did so much research” to provide “essential information” in our most recent post, we decided to follow that up with, just, the least essential article ever. This brings us so much joy. It is the dumbest thing we have ever done. We are truly children. Anyway, let’s have at it!

Paper Mario 64 Is the Horniest Video Game Ever Made

Paper Mario 64 is first game of the Paper Mario series, which came out in America on February 5th, 2001. It’s a role-playing video game that received critical acclaim and spawned a franchise of games that took the nostalgia and intro….

Wait. No, no, you are NOT supposed to LEARN anything in this article. The only thing it should do will awaken some PASSIONS you were previously unaware of… because guess what?

PAPER MARIO 64 IS A VERY HORNY VIDEO GAME! AND WE ARE NOT SURE IF THAT IS INTENTIONAL (it probably is).

So some backstory. Johnny Roosevelt, our Editor-in-Chief, owns an N64 because…honestly we don’t know. That’s some hipster nostalgia shit, Johnny.

Anyway, he has apparently owned the game Paper Mario 64 since he purchased his system and 17 games for $25 dollars at a garage sale in 2010 (it took us about ten years to get him to admit that, because it is not the BEST look honestly).

And apparently, up until the world shut down, he had never played it. So he went through the game, completing it, over the last three months, probably while mostly drunk (he apparently once left the game on overnight, which might explain how it took him so long to finish the game).

But at the end of the day, he finished the game. During that time, he logged nearly 64 hours of game play, and took roughly 113 pictures where he thought the game was being horny.

This is such a dumb article, and we love it dearly. We can’t say that enough.

Anyway, we’ve sorted through those pictures and tried to categorize them based on what whatever kinks, fetishes, or instances of horniness that occur in this very horny game.

While you go through this list, keep in mind— as a role-playing game, much of the gameplay involves talking with various characters, which is why we were able to find so many instances of something being said that made us go, “Lol, like, that’s innuendo as fuck, right?”

You should also know…Johnny Roosevelt, a man who owns an N64, took all these pictures. As he described it to us, he “got up from my couch and took a super quick picture with my phone whenever I saw something that made me giggle.”

Our site is in great hands.

Anyway, here are the, um, categories of kink/innuendo/sex-stuff that you encounter in this super horny game.

One last thing we should add—our main goal here is to laugh at, basically, a bunch of dick jokes. But don’t view this as shaming anything. We want to be SEX POSITIVE about this HORNY ASS GAME bay-beeeee!

So here we go.

Twinks

Listen. This is a game where one of your main goals is to get the “star-rod” and a main character is named “Twink.” If you are unsure about the direction this article will go, keep in mind that the previous sentence is there just to provide you a BASELINE.

We’ll just quote Johnny Roosevelt, describing his personal experience playing this game.

“I didn’t expect that firing up a 19-year-old game for the first time in ten years would provide me with anything outside of wasting a few dozen hours as I idly played it while drunkenly watching Netflix during a quarantine. And then this happened, and I just about lost my goddamn mind.”

Like, honestly, the only reason this article exists is because there’s a main character named TWINK. If you don’t get why that makes us laugh, we can’t believe we have to clarify that Twink is a term for a youthful, slim, hairless gay male. We could talk about how its a term that arguably…you know what, no, we were serious when we said the purpose of this article was to be absolutely ridiculous, so let’s just leave this at “LOL Twink.”

Lol.

Get it? Twink?

We are children. Lol.

Aww, twink!

…

This one almost read as voyeurism, but it’s more the opposite of voyeurism, we suppose.

Yup.

For the record, the term Twink first appeared in 1963. This game came out in 2001. This was NOT accidental. Right?

Phallophilia/ Star Rod Obsession

Phallophilia is a fetish for large penises, or the general sexual attraction towards penises.

The Star Rod is, per MarioWiki, a magical rod that can make all wishes come true. It’s also clearly talked about as if it is a penis.

Now *cracks knuckles* let’s put very little effort into some penis jokes.

(Star Rod is Bowser’s dick. This will be a through-line throughout this incredibly juvenile article.)

We have questions.

…H….How? MARIO WHAT DID YOU DO?

Vanilla Sex

You know, not all of these are “fringe” kinks (or, you know, non-heteronormative sexuality) or descriptions of genitalia. Sometimes Paper Mario’s horniness presents itself as something that can easily be misinterpreted as being about the general act of making physical love.

Erections

Ladies and gentlemen, here are a few “accidental” references to boners.

Think we do.

Dildos

This one is a reach. We can admit that. We also don’t need to describe dildos for you.

Cuckolding

The concept of cuckolding has been around since the dawn of time, and you either encountered it through Shakespeare or through the modern parlance of the term “cuck.” If you’ve made it this far in life not knowing what this is, congrats! The term ranges from “someone whose spouse sleeps with someone else” to, well, “someone who takes pleasure in watching their spouse be pleasured by a superior…specimen.”

We could have just put a hyper link up here. Anyway, here’s Mario getting CUCKED.

Mario, we regret to inform you that Twink is your bull.

Group Sex

(Possibly Surprise Group Sex)

We’re glad he seems happy about it, but that is not a cool thing to surprise someone with unless there’s been prior conversation within the scope of your relationship.

Yo that looks like a threesome at LEAST.

Rough Sex

Listen, we did not anticipate that the thing this game was most horny about was sexual intercourse that involved a strong, or even violent, level of physicality. But boy. Between this and the BDSM category, the characters in Paper Mario 64 have some busted-ass bed frames and some annoyed downstairs neighbors.

Um. Look at where Mario’s head is at. Um.

We didn’t know what to do with this one, but…your raunchiness? Seriously?

HEY! Not cool! Someone is NOT listening to their partner!

Hey man, this seems pretty NOT okay, um, random flower character from Paper Mario 64. There’s unfortunately some…consent issues we’re uncovering here…

YEAH he did!

BDSM

Honestly we were thinking on grouping rough sex with BDSM, but that seemed…listen continuing this thread of discourse is not conducive for anyone. LAUGH AT THE INNUENDOS.

(This is also a group sex one) (There’s so much to unpack here) (we don’t want to get into this)

YOU BETTER ADHERE TO THE SAFE WORD, BUDDY.

We apologize in advance to the family of our staffers who are reading this article, especially this next section,

Oral Sex

There’s a Puff Puff Machine in this game. This entire section could be us reaching to try to make easy jokes about mouth sex. (Oh God it sounds so gross when you call it that.) But we have been immersed in the horniness of this game so long that we see “Puff Puff Machine” and are like “yeah, probably a mouth sex, dammit, oral sex thing.”

Our staff may be breaking already.

Oh boy.

This either makes so much sense that you feel uncomfortable, or you are frantically googling how this could be an oral sex thing. We just felt we could not ignore this.

……We have regrets.

Mustache Rides (Subset of Oral Sex)

Shit this article is gross, isn’t it?

Oh, speaking of gross!

General Creeps

Listen, this game has a decent amount of “smile more” shit which, if you are a woman, you immediately had some severe flashbacks to some gross stuff said to you by strangers and if you’re a guy you either know that saying “smile more” is gross and weird and gross and weird, or you are the person saying that to your younger coworkers and are upset that they don’t seem to like you.

(Buddy. You’re a creep.)

(Creeps like you’d see in Paper Mario 64.)

Bowser is cancelled.

We really really should have put some trigger warnings at the top of this article. Like, there is nothing grosser than this kind of creepy…

BOWSER IS CANCELLED!!!!!

Just, Weird Genitalia Stuff

All we know here is, like, there’s something happening under the hood that’s…wrong. What do you have to add, Kammy Koopa?

OH NO!

Impotence

Impotence isn’t a kink, and it’s basically the opposite of horniness, but listen, we can’t ignore these.

We’re just saying—Bowser it’s fine, it happens to every guy.

(This one also, oddly, also applies to rough sex somehow.)

…….Goooah?

Anal Sex

This is a good point for us to once again acknowledge that our staffers have family that read this site. And we still decided to post this article.

This one’s a stretch, but also, it isn’t?

This is literally dialogue lifted from a gay porn.

…..Guys.

Honestly this could have been put in like six different categories, but we just wanted you to groan angrily when you got to this point.

Fuckbois

It really breaks the fourth wall to say this, but this is our favorite joke in this whole ridiculous article.

Muscle Worship

So some of you just learned about the sexual concept of muscle worship by clicking this link. But Paper Mario 64 is progressive. They were into that shit twenty years ago.

This could have gone in the Phallophilia section. But we’re here to say the muscles were huge.

(Sigh) Pedophelia

Nonono why are we including this.

Spellcheck and google refuse to acknowledge that term pedophilia exists, rightfully, because it’s awful. We could very easily remove these three problematic screenshots. Why did we keep this here?

………………………………………………….We…we’re sorry.

Let’s move on.

Bondage

The main plot of this game involves Bowser stealing the (penis) Star-Rod, trapping seven star spirits, and defeating Mario while kidnapping Peach. Mario has to go through a different journey to release each star spirit, while Peach uses her NEW FRIEND TWINK to help Mario in his quest.

But, yeah, this game involves a lot of bondage.

“Save me Twink.”

“Not great, Bowser.”

This game might be problematic?

Ejaculation/Masturbation 

Everyone does it. Be cool. Again, this is a SUPER horny game. And again, our parents are reading this. This might be the most immature section in this incredibly immature article. We have regrets.

……………………………..*breaks down laughing for fifteen years*

This one doesn’t make sense, but it kind of does?

Oh come on, Nintendo! Pun intended.

Oh this one is definitely about “self-care.”

We. Have. Questions.

This might be more of a mutual masturbation thing… this is the dumbest article we’ve ever written, and it WILL put us on watch lists. We keep saying that because we keep MEANING it.

Crush Fetish

Honestly we don’t want to explain to you how people get sexual arousal from being crushed or seeing objects or people crushed. But apparently Bowser’s into that shit?

Personally! Again!

This is…kind of reverse cuckolding too? We’re learning so much writing this article.

Wholesome Hollywood Shit

Sometimes this game is horny, but like, in a PG-rated way.

<3!

…Honestly this is getting uncomfortable.

This is the least and most horny section, honestly. It’s not a great look for anyone involved.

Brokeback Mountain-ing

Listen, that’s just where our minds went.

Committed Polyamory

We don’t have any insight to add here, but we should point out the guy in the hat is named “General Guy.”

Yup.

Fat Fetishism

(Also Oral Sex)

(We’re so sorry)

This is getting either gross or mean. Probably both. We are aware.

Don’t worry the article is almost done!

Necrophilia

Ugh goddamn it.

Tantric Sex

…..hahahaha okay this is one we still find hilarious.

Medical Fetishism

From Wikipedia-

“Medical fetishism refers to a number of sexual fetishes involving objects, practices, environments, and situations of a medical or clinical nature. In sexual roleplay a hospital or medical scene involves the sex partners assuming the roles of doctors, nurses, surgeons and patients to act out specific or general medical fetishes. Medical fantasy is a genre in pornography, though the fantasy may not necessarily involve pornography or sexual activity.”

Mario definitely played doctor in this one.

DDlg

DDlg stands for Daddy Dom/little girl, and we are too tired to do the research to see if the specific capitalization choices here are intentional, but, like, it probably is.

We Don’t Know But It’s Probably Something Weird

Like…honey…special…this is…weird right?

We strongly considered putting this in the masturbation section. And the oral sex section.

That does not sound good.

Don’t know what this means but it does NOT sound good!!!

….Go on?

………GO ON?

This article is silly. It’s so dumb. We love it so, so much. We spent 60 hours taking cellphone photos of an N64 game awkwardly on a hi-def TV and, well, we learned a lot about ourselves. Wait, no we didn’t. This article was literally created so our staff could bust out laughing multiple times as we parsed through accidentally horny photos. 

All of this is to say…we regret NOTHING.

MARIO. FUCKS.