“Haha holy shit, this is the lamest thing I’ve ever seen. How much money do they bring in? Hundreds of millions of dollars? Well fuck, I quit.”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt
Right off the bat. A disclaimer. Our staff is comprised mostly of Millennials, who are increasingly becoming “the olds”, except for our editor-in-chief, the great-great grandson of Teddy Roosevelt who is actually legitimately old. Every week we have to tell him “no” in response to his demand we write about the best brands of prune juice. That is the only reason we have not written an article in two and a half months, and that’s canon.
Then we saw an article by our friends* at 1900HOTDOG about a recent Batman comic that teamed up with a very popular esports team, and is even worse than that sentence would lead you to believe, and that led us looking into said esports team’s roster, which led to us getting article drunk to write an article that is guaranteed to be either completely ignored or ANGRILY responded to by a lot of 23-year-olds alternating between aggressive slurs or slang we don’t understand in the comments section.
*we use “friends”for 1900HOTDOG as an aspirational term as they are more likely to dunk on our articles in savage fashion than actually become our friends, and we’d gladly welcome that
So here we are, a bunch of close-to-middle-age folks, getting ready to dunk on the youths. Based on our understanding of how Gen-Z responds to older generations in a way that will totally not bite them in the ass the way it did us, we’re sure the discourse here will be civil. Anyway.
Today We Learned About FaZe Clan, and Today We Wrote an Article Making Fun of Them
Listen. We want you to get on the same page as us. If you really like esports, this article will make you furious. This is not a nuanced or even well-informed article about one of the fastest growing competitive sports in the world. Our primary writer got a Nintendo Switch two months ago, and literally spent the pandemic playing through Paper Mario 64. This is an article making fun of people younger than any member of our staff and how their self-given nicknames are objectively dumb and silly.
Again, if you feel like “making fun of gamer usernames” is a thing that will offend your sensibilities, first of all, Jesus, really? And also, don’t continue reading this, we already know you won’t think our jokes are funny because you read past this sentence knowing it was going to get you mad. That makes you a not fun person. You might have just learned that about yourself, and we are happy to inform you that we are 100% correct on that assessment, stranger who found this article because you Googled “JubJub FaZe“.
And one last disclaimer. We will almost definitely accidentally end up making fun of children in this article. Which is largely considered “punching down” and makes this article a lot meaner than it should be. In response to that, we’ll point out A: if they are children, they likely have more money than 99% of anyone reading this article and B: honestly it’s hard to tell, and we don’t care enough about this topic to fact check.
Like, we looked up JubJub, because like, well, we’ll save the Ewok joke for later in this article, and saw his picture and were like, oh man we feel bad that’s a 14 year old, but he’s 19, so fuck it he can handle himself. We’re just assuming esport player who looks 14 is at least 19 based on that small sample point. Once again, if that sentence alone sent you into a rage, you have to stop reading this article, it is not for you. This is for us Millennials and older who want to laugh at dumb names and random people involved in esports.
Okay. Let’s go into it. (Ugh the comments are going to be the WORST).
So like, is it pronounced ar-citys? Or is it based on an obscure name of a Greek goddess? Never mind, we don’t care. This first entry is here to gently guide you into what to expect from our post on this esports roster.
First of all, and we will NOT be doing the same due diligence for the rest of this article, this player is a 23-year-old named Alec Sanderson, and he’s won Call of Duty in 2019 and 2021. He has 156K Twitter followers, and when FaZe asked him what actor should play him in a movie, he responded by naming a different esport player, which is NOT how the question works ALEC.
We don’t know how to handle this point delicately but let’s just say, you might think that the thin mustache and aggressive neck beard in this illustrated profile was not flattering? He, um. It’s actually a lot more flattering than you would expect?
We’re not trying to be needlessly mean here, but we were once 23-year-olds who could not grow facial hair, and trust us, when it’s red and patchy, just…go clean shaven. Trust us. It’s for the best.
Anyway. This is just the tip of the iceberg.
Babybay. We don’t know how much you make. Like we promised, we’re not going to look up any biographical information about you because this is the first and last time we will ever think about you. But we have to inform you, not only is Babybay the least intimidating pseudonym that has ever been created…it is the actual brand name of a company that makes mini cribs for actual babies. When you search your name, the crib company comes first! You’re like the fourth listing under your own name! This was a bad choice!
A lot of esports names seem to be white people giving themselves a nickname that white people tried to give themselves in the early 2000s until one of their two black friends gave them a soft head shake after which the person would be like, did I say Bizzle, I mean to say, um, my name is um just my regular name.
This guy is named Timothy Miller and his hidden talent is that he is good at badminton and he looks like this and says he thinks he should be played in a movie by The Rock.
We did not check his age before writing this. We honestly don’t care. He could be 13 and we’d hate him. He has over 700K Twitter followers, 360K Twitch followers, and 250K YouTube subscribers. Maybe society is just broken or?
Thankfully, at least on FaZe, there’s not a name that is more cringe in its particular way than Bizzle. But Twistzz with its unnecessary z’s is a close second, mostly because this motherfucker is named Russel Van Dulken. Bitch, you got a “van” in your name, just make your esports handle “the baron” and stop pretending.
By the way, here’s where we have to momentarily lose our minds. So far we’ve been going off FaZe’s roster of gamers. But they also have “Creators” who tend to be vloggers or aggressively-obviously paid sponsorships.
We should point out, FaZe has money. This group, which again, none of us olds heard about before today, went public on NASDAQ in 2021 with an evaluation of $1 billion dollars. So when we say “um do a Google image search of their neckbeard player Arcitys and tell us we weren’t actually being pretty respectful in our section about him” do that in mind with, yeah, we’re being dicks, but we’re being dicks to millionaires and billionaires.
Anyway, look who else is “part of the team” *heavy eye-roll*
What is going on??
WHAT IS GOING ON!? And how did no one decide to just rotate the image so his full name wasn’t obstructed by his head? Like, we know who it is…but this is the only time that a name gets blocked out due to a design decision, so we have questions?
Oh which reminds us. When you go to the “Content” side of things which Snoop and Lil Yachty are listed under, you get some more cringeworthy “Bizzle” names. We take no pleasure in this. But here you go.
You keep Stuart Scott’s name out of your mouth *checks notes* Ean (ughhhh) Chase, who lists his dream dinner guest as “Tom Brady the GOAT.” You know, Tom Brady, the man who has the hot wife and throws the football well and seems to have the personality of a slice of white bread that asks, “You’re not going to put me near any nightshades, right?” We hate his answer to that question so much.
Oh you have 300K+ Twitch followers? Cool. Coolcoolcool. This article will break our staff.
Motherfucker, you’re named after a Pokemon.
Motherfucker, you’re named after…….rugs.
Why can’t someone in FaZe just have like a regular human name?
Oh sweet! Must be missing a space there. Let’s learn more about Larry Banks.
God fucking dammit, Christopher. Honestly though this is the first time we’ve come across someone that got the dream dinner guest 100% correct.
Since we already teased it, we might as well include JubJub here. Because fuck it. The world will end some day.
So here’s the thing. JubJub is by far the least “established” FaZe member we’ve highlighted so far. He has 12K Facebook follows, and no other stats available. He’s also based out of Thailand, and out of a respect to our website’s founding father’s demand we never learn words in other languages, there’s a realistic possibility that us being like “that’s the Ewoks song from the end of Return of the Jedi DORK” will make us look extremely xenophobic and small minded, and that the name comes from something that actually makes perfect sense in Thai gamer culture.
To that we’d say…okay fair. We’ll take this section down once we have more Facebook followers than he does.
And now, let’s dive into the l337 names that we just, God, hate so fucking much.
Jesus. Have you ever seen an illustration of an actual person that has been through more rounds of revision?
“No, can we add some shoulder pads to the leather jacket? Hmm, the pendant could be a little more centered. Do you think adding a few creases to the t-shirt makes it seems like I have abs? Can we add about 20% definition to the Adam’s Apple? I AM a boy after all. Hmm add one more strand of hair and I think we’re close.”
We hate this picture almost as much as we hate the idea of the name Snipedown, but not as much as we hate the idea of the name Snipedown spelled with a 3.
By the way. This dude listed his go-to karaokee song as “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen. Which seems like a “cool” song from the leather jacket egamer with the strong Adam’s Apple until you realize that it’s an 8 minute song only sung by egoists who want to take a fucking karaoke bar hostage during a song with a solid 64 bars of instrumentals.
Anyway, there are dozens of other players and creators with extremely stupid names, but we’ve probably already spent more time talking about a topic we have no reason to actually talk about. So we’ll end with the name that really drives home how much we hate everything about every name we’ve seen from the FaZe Clan.
FaZe was founded in 2010, but has grown rapidly in the past two years. So when we saw this one name, in our post-COVID times, we figured…had to be made before that all went down.
NOPE. A top FaZe creator who has over 500K YouTube subscribers, that joined the team in December of 2020 decided to go with the name of……
*sigh* at least it wasn’t COVID. Or Bizzle.
Pingback: Hi, Hello, We’ve Not Posted For a While But Apparently the Bitcoin People Are Making Fortune Cookies Now So Hello Again | America Fun Fact of the Day