Every so often, our writers run out of whiskey when the liquor stores have already closed. Unsure what to do in such a terrifyingly sober world, we try to occupy ourselves by writing comprehensive long-form articles about some of the most important aspect of America.
We’ve put each of our special feature here for you to peruse, because deep down you’ve always wanted to know about the lives of each of Teddy Roosevelt’s kids, or about the most American quality of each American state. Or it’s just a slow work day and you’re looking to pass the time with a healthy dose of America.
“Did your staff members ever went to a Canadian Thanksgiving, and can you tell me how much better an American Thanksgiving is?”
~AFFotD Reader “Harge.” We copy and pasted that directly from the email he sent us.
2020 is a weird year for Thanksgiving for some reason. But now’s not the time to think about the fact that we’re going to have one Thanksgiving that might be a bit quieter and definitely a lot more virtual than we’re used to. It’s time to give thanks that Thanksgiving in general is awesome in America, while we dunk on Canada’s cheap-ass imitation of our glorious holiday.
Let’s Make Fun of Canada’s Thanksgiving, Shall We?
We’re not exactly shy here about our preferences when it comes to the Roosevelt presidents. We’re Team Teddy all the way. But we’re not haters on this front. We’ll readily admit that FDR did have his badass moments, and his wife Eleanor was no slouch on that front either. So while we’re not surprised that their offspring generally went ahead and did impressive things, we were pretty amazed to hear about Eleanor’s supposed “favorite son”, Elliott.
To give you a sense of the Elliott Roosevelt, um, flavor, we’ll just say that we’re about 90% certain that Elliott Roosevelt is only considered her favorite son because he made that claim after she died. Strap in, you guys, this is going to be a wild one.
Now let’s take a moment to talk about the middle son of FDR who, well, let’s just say lived a colorful life.
Elliott Roosevelt Might Just Be the Most Interesting Roosevelt Not Named Teddy
We’re finally there, everyone. It’s been weeks, months (not months), years even (no, not years, stop it), and we’ve posted 14 previous articles, all of which dare to ask “what if we were to tell you who is the best President, among Presidents who are not real?” and we did it. We really did it. We melted our minds in the process, but it’s done, and here is the one list you were truly waiting for. The 10 best fictional Presidents in film history. Are you ready? We’ve been ready every since we started this crazy thing. Thanks for humoring us. Here are your best Presidents.
Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#10-1—Our Greatest Fictional Presidents)
We’ve done this 13 times already, so what’s one more? You are mired, trapped even, in a series of articles where we take every single President who has ever appeared in a movie, remove all the real ones, and then mix up what we have left to determine who was the best and who was the worst in terms of overall job performance. It’s been forever. You’ve had major life events come and pass since we started this series. You’re almost free. We’re almost free. Let’s talk about some goddamn fake American heroes.
Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#20-11—The World Savers)
“Here’s a Story. Of a messed up movie. Where Mike Brady somehow became the President.”
~The Theme of The Brady Bunch in the White House, We Assume
You have stuck with us for so long, and we’re honestly pretty impressed. When we decided we were going to rate every single fake President, we didn’t realize how much work it would be. It has been so much work. And we know it’s been a lot of work for you. But we’re almost there. We promise. Here are more Presidents, and holy shit, why is The Brady Bunch here?
Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#30-21—Fighters, Winners, and…Mike Brady?)
“Apparently you don’t get dinged for having the world end on your watch if you die in the movie.”
~Danny Glover in 2012
Are you tired of these intros yet? We’re kind of tired of these intros. This series has been going on every day for the past two and a half weeks, which is a lot. You’ve been like, “Where’s our AFFotD about beer? Or like, beer that’s made with chocolate? Or like, ‘Man, snickers are crazy, are there any weird flavors of snickers?’”
But instead you’ve had to go through just, list after list of President who has never even existed. We understand your pain, but we’re too far along to stop now. HERE ARE MORE PRESIDENTS! NONE OF THEM HAD ANY IMPACT ON HISTORY!
Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#54-31—Doomed Heroes and General Good Guys)
“…You mean we have to watch Geostorm for this article?”
Welcome to a series of articles with so manyentries that we’re not even bothering to count them. This is, what, the tenth one of these? That sounds right, ballpark at least? Anyway, we decided (thanks, Jack Daniels and a surprise divorce) that we should find every single fictional president who has been portrayed in a movie, and decide which one of those was the best at presidenting. And THEN we decided we should arbitrarily rank each president against each other, for reasons that don’t sound quite as compelling now that we’ve sobered up.
So if this is the first article in this series you’ve come across because you Googled “Gregory Peck President” then, well, we honestly don’t know if you are our prime demographic or not. Just keep in mind that all these fancy links at the beginning of this paragraphs link to previous entries to our latest series in which we, and maybe you already know where we’re going with this, because we literally just said it, rank every fictional movie President arbitrarily.
We’re now getting to our better fake Presidents, the ones who stand tall and stay strong, no matter how much things fall apart around them.
Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#50-41—Strong During a Crisis)
~Literally everyone’s first question when they heard about this series of articles
Get excited, folks. We’re finallyat thepointin ourlistingofeveryfictionalPresident where we can talk about the classic Sinbad film, First Kid. It’s moments like these that really make everything worthwhile. If you don’t know or care about First Kid, well tough shit, this isn’t about you. It’s about Presidents. Specifically, fictional Presidents from movies that we decided to exhaustively rank for some reason we no longer remember. Were we drunk? Sorry, silly question, we meant to ask if we were absinthe drunk. Because this whole article series feels like it would have wormwood to blame.
Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#60-51—Presidential Dads! And Others!)
Listen, being a movie President is not an easy job, and these guy handled themselves just fine, given the circumstances. And for those of you getting antsy at the movies you don’t really care about on the list so far, don’t worry. Our next article has First Kid!
Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#70-61—Presidents Dealing With Conspiracies)
“Okay so this is the article I’m basically going to skim over in like 45 seconds? Gotcha.”
~You, the Reader
While trying to rank every single President who has appeared in a film throughout the history of modern cinema, we’ve inelegantly lumped the Presidents into categories. They almost never worked. Our Disaster Presidents only included four or so Presidents who faced disasters, and our sleezy Presidents only had a few sketchy entries, and we’ve had a lot of reallybadfake Presidents.
But this article is going to be the most accurate. These are all Presidents who are fine. You won’t walk away with strong feelings about their role as a leader, one way or the other. We know, we can just feel your excitement.
Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#80-71—Aggressively Neutral Presidents)