Category Archives: AFFotD Special Features

Every so often, our writers run out of whiskey when the liquor stores have already closed. Unsure what to do in such a terrifyingly sober world, we try to occupy ourselves by writing comprehensive long-form articles about some of the most important aspect of America.

We’ve put each of our special feature here for you to peruse, because deep down you’ve always wanted to know about the lives of each of Teddy Roosevelt’s kids, or about the most American quality of each American state. Or it’s just a slow work day and you’re looking to pass the time with a healthy dose of America.

Movies That Should Never Have Been Nominated for a Razzie

“Honestly, if you’ve never even once said the name Neil Breen out loud, your opinions on bad movies are null and void.”

~AFFotD’s Film Critic

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In 1981, the first Golden Raspberry Award ceremony was held in the living room of John J. B. Wilson, a co-founder of the award who also has too many periods in his name. Initially an inside joke with his film industry friends, it has since gone on to gain notoriety as a sort of “anti-Oscar”, crowning the worst performances or achievements in Hollywood each year. 

It’s an antidote to the typical award-season sycophancy that happens at the start of each year, a way to punch up and call out the rich, famous and beautiful for their poor, lazy, or disinterested decisions. 

That can include a notorious shitposter and video game adapter like Uwe Boll, or Oscar winners like Halle Berry and Sandra Bullock (both of whom are among the few to give their own acceptance speeches). 

In 2022, the “punching upwards” to poke fun at the rich and famous that attracted many to the award increasingly feels like it’s merely punching parallel. The film industry is struggling, going to the theaters is still a potentially risky venture, and we’re starved for any and all content we can get right now. Talking about how “stupid” or “pointless” a movie that employeed literally hundreds of people during an economically unsure time seems a bit tone-deaf in this current cultural environment. 

What we’re trying to say is, maybe the Golden Rasberry Award, a.k.a. the Razzies, need to re-think how they direct their snark. Listen, we know, our whole thing is snark. We literally wrote over a thousand words trying to dunk on a shitty pizza chain that emailed us some swear words one time. We had friends that asked us why we would even bother! They were like, “So instead of ignoring the emails, you responded back to take screenshots and dunk on them? What is wrong with you!?” And we justified it, because making fun of these people is good content. They started it, anyway! Fuck em! Ah, it was a much simpler time. 

That said, the Razzies just listed their 2021 nominations, and we realized it showed the same short-sighted, and occasionally elitist, attitude that the awards have always had. Six-time Oscar-nominee Amy Adams was nominated twice, for Dear Evan Hansen and The Woman in the Window, the former you remember because of its use of a 28-year-old playing a 16-year-old (or whatever, high school age. Don’t fact check us, we could not give a shit), and the latter being um, a movie that we guess we heard about once? It’s based on a book right?

What we’re saying is, Amy Adams should be part of a Leonardo DiCaprio conversation of “when is she gonna win her Oscar.” Not a sudden two-time Razzie nominee. We don’t need our national treasure, star of Arrival and Talladega Nights, slighted like this during a pandemic.

Ben Affleck was also nominated for The Last Duel, a film for which he’s received multiple accolades and was, at its very worst, a well-made movie that was too long and had like, way too much rape in it? The most generous reason we can think of for Affleck’s nomination here was that he had a bad wig. The most likely reason? He’s dating J-Lo again, and the Razzies think she can do better.  

So what’s our point here? The Razzies are full of gossipy bitches that can’t find their own drama.

They also have historically proven to be somewhat cringey, planting their “this is a bad movie” take in movies that turned out to be great. Basically, the Razzies need to take a step back and reassess how they view movies. Because all of the following films are actual Razzie-nominated features that, we think, showed the Razzies going TOO FAR.

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Let’s Talk About Why Ewan McGregor Hasn’t Been Nominated for an Oscar Yet

“Is there a ’37 Dresses, but with Oscars’ joke to make here, or is that an obscure reference even for us?”

~Our Research Staff

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Here’s a sentence you didn’t expect to read today. Let’s talk about Ewan McGregor.

Specifically, Ewan McGregor’s ability to star in, and anchor, both blockbuster films as well as critical darlings, without putting enough attention on himself to warrant award recognition.

Consider this. The 49-year-old British actor’s first onscreen appearance was 28 years ago. In that time, he has 91 credits to his name, won a Golden Globe for his work on Fargo‘s third season, and has two additional Golden Globe nomination alongside three Emmy nominations.

But he’s never once been nominated for an Academy Award.

For 99% of actors, this is not exactly surprising. There are plenty of actors who are household names, with plenty of credits, who have never even sniffed award season. But give us a moment to call bullshit.

How Has Ewan McGregor Not Gotten an Oscar Nomination?

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Let’s Give Thanks That America Does Thanksgiving Better Than Canada

“Did your staff members ever went to a Canadian Thanksgiving, and can you tell me how much better an American Thanksgiving is?”

~AFFotD Reader “Harge.” We copy and pasted that directly from the email he sent us.

Canadian Thanksgiving Table Spread

2020 is a weird year for Thanksgiving for some reason. But now’s not the time to think about the fact that we’re going to have one Thanksgiving that might be a bit quieter and definitely a lot more virtual than we’re used to. It’s time to give thanks that Thanksgiving in general is awesome in America, while we dunk on Canada’s cheap-ass imitation of our glorious holiday.

Let’s Make Fun of Canada’s Thanksgiving, Shall We?

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Elliott Roosevelt Might Just Be the Most Interesting Roosevelt Not Named Teddy

“Wait, we found more Roosevelt kids?”

~The Writer of Teddy’s Tots

elliott and eleanor roosevelt

We’re not exactly shy here about our preferences when it comes to the Roosevelt presidents. We’re Team Teddy all the way. But we’re not haters on this front. We’ll readily admit that FDR did have his badass moments, and his wife Eleanor was no slouch on that front either. So while we’re not surprised that their offspring generally went ahead and did impressive things, we were pretty amazed to hear about Eleanor’s supposed “favorite son”, Elliott.

To give you a sense of the Elliott Roosevelt, um, flavor, we’ll just say that we’re about 90% certain that Elliott Roosevelt is only considered her favorite son because he made that claim after she died. Strap in, you guys, this is going to be a wild one.

Now let’s take a moment to talk about the middle son of FDR who, well, let’s just say lived a colorful life.

Elliott Roosevelt Might Just Be the Most Interesting Roosevelt Not Named Teddy

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Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#10-1—Our Greatest Fictional Presidents)

“Get off my plane.”

~Come On, You’ve Been Waiting For This Moment

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We’re finally there, everyone. It’s been weeks, months (not months), years even (no, not years, stop it), and we’ve posted 14 previous articles, all of which dare to ask “what if we were to tell you who is the best President, among Presidents who are not real?” and we did it. We really did it. We melted our minds in the process, but it’s done, and here is the one list you were truly waiting for. The 10 best fictional Presidents in film history. Are you ready? We’ve been ready every since we started this crazy thing. Thanks for humoring us. Here are your best Presidents.

Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#10-1—Our Greatest Fictional Presidents)

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Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#20-11—The World Savers)

“Yeah I’m mad I made it this high too.”

~Kevin James in Pixels

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We’ve done this 13 times already, so what’s one more? You are mired, trapped even, in a series of articles where we take every single President who has ever appeared in a movie, remove all the real ones, and then mix up what we have left to determine who was the best and who was the worst in terms of overall job performance. It’s been forever. You’ve had major life events come and pass since we started this series. You’re almost free. We’re almost free. Let’s talk about some goddamn fake American heroes.

Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#20-11—The World Savers)

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Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#30-21—Fighters, Winners, and…Mike Brady?)

“Here’s a Story. Of a messed up movie. Where Mike Brady somehow became the President.”

~The Theme of The Brady Bunch in the White House, We Assume

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You have stuck with us for so long, and we’re honestly pretty impressed. When we decided we were going to rate every single fake President, we didn’t realize how much work it would be. It has been so much work. And we know it’s been a lot of work for you. But we’re almost there. We promise. Here are more Presidents, and holy shit, why is The Brady Bunch here?

Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#30-21—Fighters, Winners, and…Mike Brady?)

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Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#54-31—Doomed Heroes and General Good Guys)

“Apparently you don’t get dinged for having the world end on your watch if you die in the movie.”

~Danny Glover in 2012

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Are you tired of these intros yet? We’re kind of tired of these intros. This series has been going on every day for the past two and a half weeks, which is a lot. You’ve been like, “Where’s our AFFotD about beer? Or like, beer that’s made with chocolate? Or like, ‘Man, snickers are crazy, are there any weird flavors of snickers?’”

But instead you’ve had to go through just, list after list of President who has never even existed. We understand your pain, but we’re too far along to stop now. HERE ARE MORE PRESIDENTS! NONE OF THEM HAD ANY IMPACT ON HISTORY!

Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#54-31—Doomed Heroes and General Good Guys)

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Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#50-41—Strong During a Crisis)

“…You mean we have to watch Geostorm for this article?”

~AFFotD Staffers

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Welcome to a series of articles with so many entries that we’re not even bothering to count them. This is, what, the tenth one of these? That sounds right, ballpark at least? Anyway, we decided (thanks, Jack Daniels and a surprise divorce) that we should find every single fictional president who has been portrayed in a movie, and decide which one of those was the best at presidenting. And THEN we decided we should arbitrarily rank each president against each other, for reasons that don’t sound quite as compelling now that we’ve sobered up.

So if this is the first article in this series you’ve come across because you Googled “Gregory Peck President” then, well, we honestly don’t know if you are our prime demographic or not. Just keep in mind that all these fancy links at the beginning of this paragraphs link to previous entries to our latest series in which we, and maybe you already know where we’re going with this, because we literally just said it, rank every fictional movie President arbitrarily.

We’re now getting to our better fake Presidents, the ones who stand tall and stay strong, no matter how much things fall apart around them.

Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#50-41—Strong During a Crisis)

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Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#60-51—Presidential Dads! And Others!)

“Oh, did you include that movie First Kid

~Literally everyone’s first question when they heard about this series of articles

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Get excited, folks. We’re finally at the point in our listing of every fictional President where we can talk about the classic Sinbad film, First Kid. It’s moments like these that really make everything worthwhile. If you don’t know or care about First Kid, well tough shit, this isn’t about you. It’s about Presidents. Specifically, fictional Presidents from movies that we decided to exhaustively rank for some reason we no longer remember. Were we drunk? Sorry, silly question, we meant to ask if we were absinthe drunk. Because this whole article series feels like it would have wormwood to blame.

Every Fictional President in Film History: Ranked (#60-51—Presidential Dads! And Others!)

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