Category Archives: AFFotD Special Features

Every so often, our writers run out of whiskey when the liquor stores have already closed. Unsure what to do in such a terrifyingly sober world, we try to occupy ourselves by writing comprehensive long-form articles about some of the most important aspect of America.

We’ve put each of our special feature here for you to peruse, because deep down you’ve always wanted to know about the lives of each of Teddy Roosevelt’s kids, or about the most American quality of each American state. Or it’s just a slow work day and you’re looking to pass the time with a healthy dose of America.

Your American Guide to Surviving Thanksgiving

“I’m too drunk and full to talk about politics.”

~Someone doing Thanksgiving right

turkey

Thanksgiving is two days away, which means that some of you are definitely using that as an excuse to eat unhealthy and drink on weekdays.  And that’s good!  The best holidays are the ones you can kind of streeetch into a full week or more of unhealthy behavior, sort of like how Halloween almost always has a party for the weekend before and after the 31st of October.

But some people might not like Thanksgiving as much as our staff does.  While we enjoy spending time with our families, carefully navigating the “when do I switch from beer to wine so I’m not double fisting at the dinner table” dynamic and watching football games where people fumble off of butts, some Americans aren’t that lucky, and have to spend most of their time biting their tongue at Uncle Richard’s assertion that “Anderson Cooper’s one of those damn lizard people” as their Aunt Edna passive-aggressively criticizes all the dishes that she didn’t make. So for those of you who view Thanksgiving as a time to take a deep breath and mumble, “Okay, let’s get this over with” we humbly offer a few suggestions to make your Thanksgiving tolerable.  Or even kind of okay!

Your American Guide to Surviving Thanksgiving

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The Informative American Tours a Doll Factory (originally published April, 1956)

“NIGHTMARE FUEL.”

~Pictures of a doll factory

some fucking saw 3 shit right here

Recently, Mashable.com posted an article that said, simply, “Try to look at these photos of doll factories without screaming.”  We failed, miserably.  But once we drank enough whiskey to deaden the soul to the point of indifference towards all but the most tragic of human sufferings (on a normal day we reach that point by about 4PM) we realized that these pictures looked kind of familiar.  And sure enough, as we dug through the archives of our 1950’s horrible, sexist, no-good precursor, The Informative American, we saw that they had initially taken those photos, back in the 1950s!  Clearly it was a bit of a surprise, and since we already got drunk to get ourselves over the whole “terrifying baby dolls being assembled” thing we figured we’d re-post our original article for our modern readers.

Before we delve in, as it’s been a while since we’ve posted one of our The Informative American brochures, back in the 1950s this country, and AFFotD, were…very different.  The 1950s was a decade that raised an entire generation of people who could say, “Holy shit, I survived the 50s.”  This was a time where cigarettes were considered prenatal vitamins, where popular toys were “actual guns and throwing knives that can kill you.”  So, some of what you might read might be offensive or jarring to your modern eyes, to which we’d say you’ve been warned.

The Informative American Tours a Doll Factory (originally published April, 1956)

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5 Super Bowl Halftime Performances That Have Aged Horribly

“Oh thank God, now I can go to the bathroom.”

~Super Bowl viewers during the halftime show

black eyed peas super bowl

Hey!  The Super Bowl is just a few days away!  It’s the one time of the year where you absolutely know, unequivocally, that you’re going to be suffering at work the following Monday, and you know it’ll be absolutely worth it.  Super Bowl Sunday is a day filled with the beer and snacks and a statistically-probably-underwhelming football game, and it’s the closest to a live national spectacle as you can find in this fine nation.  Everyone watches the Super Bowl, everyone has stronger than necessary opinions about the importance or unimportance of Super Bowl commercials, and everyone wishes that the party they were at had 30 bathrooms once the Super Bowl Halftime show begins, because the only person who actually gives a shit about the Super Bowl Halftime show is your friend’s girlfriend that no one in your group of friends really likes, who is really into Katy Perry to the point that it’s kind of uncomfortable.

Otherwise, the Halftime Show is an extremely expensive spectacle that’s just a waste of fucking time.  The phenomenon of people looking for something more interesting to watch during Halftime directly contributed to the existence of both the Puppy Bowl and a women-in-lingerie football league that still exists to this day.  However, the Halftime Show does serve as an interesting indicator of our nation’s culture.  Like, in the mid 00’s we were terrified of breasts on live television, so we went with safe performances by old rockers in their 50s and 60s.  Last year, we were way into uncoordinated sharks, apparently.  There are a lot of memorable Super Bowl Halftime performances.  And there are also the Black Eyed Peas, but we managed to get drunk enough by halftime that year that we blissfully have no memory of it.

What we’re trying to say is that Super Bowl Halftime Shows are very much a product of their times.  Sometimes that can prove to be ageless, like Michael Jackson destroying the Rose Bowl at the peak of his stardom.  And sometimes…well, sometimes you get…

5 Super Bowl Halftime Performances That Have Aged Horribly

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An April Fools’ Message From Our Editor-in-Chief

“Ugh, seriously guys?”

~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief

april-fools-day

Hi, America.  This is Johnny Roosevelt here, Editor-in-Chief of this fine portal of American greatness.  Ever since my great-grandfather invented America, the Roosevelt name has been dedicated to maintaining America’s might and almost Herculean ability to ignore our own faults while focusing on the good things in life.  Beer, bourbon, fried foods, and so forth.  So, while we normally like to avoid actual opinion articles on this site, since let’s be honest you’re usually coming here to find out what beers will get you drunk fastest, and we are nothing if not shameless panderers to page views, every once and a while I feel it’s time for me to step forward, give the rest of my writers a bit of a day off, and talk to you, the American people.  Or, you know, non-Americans, you’d be surprised how many Europeans randomly read this site.

And what is of such importance that I felt the need to wake up literally 4 hours earlier than usual, dealing with the whiskey hangover I associate with every Wednesday morning?  The date.  It’s April 1st.  For some of you, that’s just a normal day in spring.  For most of you, it’s APRIL FOOLS’ DAY and you’re going to be PULLING PRANKS!  That’s neat!  That’s cute.

You need to fucking stop, America.

carrie blood

Pictured above- still better than most April Fools’ pranks.

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The Best Holiday Treats of Christmas

“Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!”

~Santa Claus, probably, right?  Maybe?

santa cookie

Today is Christmas Eve, that day where you silently complain about the fact that you had to use a vacation day in order to travel back home for the holidays.  For some, it’s an important part of the Christmas tradition, and for others, it’s a day you anxiously power through waiting expectantly for Christmas to finally show up.  And for most of us, it’s a day where oh shit you totally forgot to wrap your presents didn’t you, okay well you should get that shit down and chuck it under the tree before someone notices.

Now, a few days ago we told you about the worst Christmas treats out there.  There was reindeer poop and fruitcake and oh God figgy pudding why as well as a bunch of other horrific British concoctions and it was pretty much awful.  But hey, Christmas is tomorrow, some of you are working a half day or some nonsense like that, so let’s just talk about some Christmas treats that you’d actually want to eat instead.  Because America does actually know a thing or twelve about making Christmas delicious.

The Best Holiday Treats of Christmas

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The Worst Holiday Treats of Christmas

“Oh no.  Fruit Cake.”

~You, on Christmas

christmas cake

This week, we’re anxiously counting down the days for Christmas, a holiday you either love unconditionally or complain about at every opportunity while getting more and more pissed off each time someone calls you a “Grinch.”  “Shut up, I’m not a Grinch, I just don’t see why we’re making such a big deal about…” you start to say to your coworkers before being interrupted by the spontaneous Christmas caroling that just started because, God people, we know Christmas is almost here, that doesn’t mean you need to sing Jingle Bells” all fucking day, this is a place of work for fuck’s sake.

However, despite its detractors, most of us love Christmas, a time for family, friends, togetherness, and general Christmas cheer.  Everyone has their traditions, and while some of those traditions are stupid and racist, most are wholesome and do wonders to take your mind off the harsh winter, no seriously this winter’s going to be really bad goddamn it what did we do to deserve this.  And many of these traditions involve delicious sugary treats.

Where Thanksgiving is a holiday centered around savory goodness and no shut up we’re not going to be healthy about it, Christmas is by and large sweets-focused.  It’s assumed that you’ll eat and drink too much during Christmas, but unlike Thanksgiving, there’s a little more leeway for dinner.  Ham?  Fine!  Turkey?   Sounds good!  A roast beef covered in cigarette butts?  Goddamn it, Uncle Bert, we told you no smoking in the house, why the fuck did you think that putting your spent cigs in the oven was the best way to cover your tracks?  But a Christmas without sweet candy treats is hardly a Christmas at all, unless you’re someone who happens to not be Christian, in which case you still celebrate Christmas because let’s be real this shit is pretty damn secular by this point, and you’re getting the day off of work for it, so quit your bellyaching.

While some of these treats are delightful and delicious (stay tuned for our Christmas Eve article) some are…well.  You know.  Bad.

The Worst Holiday Treats of Christmas

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An AFFotD Thanksgiving: Wherein AFFotD Decries the Fiendish Practices of the Mother Nature Network, Who Have Actively Tried to Ruin Thanksgiving by Making it Healthier, While We Offer Methods to Make Thanksgiving Even More Un-Healthy to Spite These Malcontents

“Get.  That.  Healthy.  Shit.  Out. Of.  My.  Goddamn.  House.”

~Americans That Appreciate Thanksgiving

photo(78)

America, tomorrow is Thanksgiving, which means that all of us will be spending some quality time with our families, eating gobs of unhealthy food and washing it down with copious amounts of wine and waiting for that one family member to get a little too tipsy and start talking about “the things wrong with society” with a slightly racist tinge.  Or, if you don’t have a family member who does that, you’re probably that family member, so wait until your fifth glass of wine to talk about how Kim Kardashian was naked in Paper magazine, and how that makes you feel.

Of course, Thanksgiving is a wonderful time of the year.  It’s a day that basically is dedicated to making a bunch of delicious food, drinking with family, and watching football without having to leave the house.  It lacks the gift-giving pressure of Christmas, and the inevitable failure to meet expectations of New Year’s Eve.  Sure, a lot of food has to be made, but that tends to be more of a communal experience than anything else, while your dad gets half-jokingly ribbed for spending all of his time drinking beer on the damn couch watching the Dallas game.

The point being, we love Thanksgiving, and we love that people say it’s the one day a year where they really can “let themselves go” when they mean to say it’s like the 150th day this year that they’ve said “fuck it” and decided to really “let themselves go.”  That’s a beautiful thing.

And then you get websites that say stupid, bullheaded things like “9 Thankgiving Dishes Made Healthier.”  No.  We do not want our Thanksgiving to be healthier, Mother Nature Network.  We do not want that one bit.  Stop it.  We said stop.

Wherein AFFotD Decries the Fiendish Practices of the Mother Nature Network, Who Have Actively Tried to Ruin Thanksgiving by Making it Healthier, While We Offer Methods to Make Thanksgiving Even More Un-Healthy to Spite These Malcontents

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Halloween Costumes That Should Not Exist (Female Edition)

“Honestly, I just kind of feel sorry for the models.”

~You

like the fuck is this

We talked to you earlier this week about Halloween costumes for men that, essentially, are crimes against humanity.  Now, it’s time for us to talk about the ladies, because AFFotD is a gender-equal institution, and also because all bad idea women’s Halloween costumes are, let’s say, revealing.  Which, you know, gets page hits.

That said, while the men’s article required multiple categories, you don’t need such nuanced distinction with the Halloween costumes that, we guess, in theory, someone has bought.  They have to have, right?  Anyway, while horrible men’s costumes covered a moderate range of awful ideas, today’s article adheres to just one basic theme.

Sexy versions of blatantly unsexy things.

Let’s delve in.

Costumes That Should Not Exist (Female Edition)

 sexy straight jacket more like gay jacket that was just a joke

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Halloween Costumes That Should Not Exist (Male Edition)

“Wait, let me guess—you dressed up as a giant douchebag.”

~All of us

ice bucket

Halloween is a wonderful time of the year.  No, we’re not saying that sarcastically, Halloween is one of the better holidays out there—you’re not expected to do anything other than dress as something goofy, get drunk with your friends, and maybe steal some of the candy your kids got Trick-or-Treating when they’re not looking (they are guaranteed not to notice, unless you snag one of the full-sized snickers that your neighbors keep offering just to show up everyone else on the block, the bastards.)

We’ve, long ago, talked about how Halloween is the holiday that ages with you.  That might sound like an indictment, but it’s quite the opposite—almost every other holiday is so inflexible, you’re inevitably bound to have periods of your life where you don’t find them as enjoyable as you once did.  Not so with Halloween.  When you’re a kid, and want candy, boom, you’ll get to fill your little chubby cheeks with enough sugar to force us to make some diabetes joke that leads to weirdly hostile diatribes being posted on our website.  You’re in your 20’s or 30’s and would like an excuse to get smashed while dressed in 1990’s pop culture references?  All yours buddy!  Feeling like settling down, dressing up your baby as a pumpkin and having a shindig at your house?  Halloween has you covered!

It’s a great holiday.  We can’t stress that enough.  It’s great.  Great great great.

But people who buy and wear novelty costumes for it suck.  Like these following costumes.  Do not buy these costumes.  Do not suck on Halloween.

Costumes That Should Not Exist (Male Edition)

 bed costume

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Regional Hot Dog Styles Of America: Part 4

“Goddamn it, I knew Chicago would win.  Those bastards.”

~The, like, four New Yorkers who actually were upset that the New York-style hot dog was so low on this list

ChicagoHotDog

When we began our trek through America’s regional hot dogs, we were legitimately worried.  We had just finished writing about 11,000 words talking about long bread sandwiches, and it literally tore families apart and drove half of our staff to insanity.  And we were going to immediately follow that nightmare up with a systematic breakdown of hot dog styles?  Did we have a death wish outside of our normal “eating and drinking so much that interventions pretty much have become a part of our weekly schedule” death wish?

As it turns out, the task wasn’t quite so daunting.  Most hot dog styles follow a pretty basic blueprint.  Talking about the different regional kinds of, say, chili dogs requires about as much research as talking about various pizza toppings.  New Jersey wanted to put chili on their hot dog.  Georgia puts their chili dog in a bowl.  Pennsylvania likes to name things from Pennsylvania after Texas.  It’s not exactly academic research, but it is hot dogs, so it’s still worth our attention our affection.  And these four hot dogs remaining are the ones we love the most.  So let’s dig in.

Regional Hot Dog Styles Of America: Part 4

hot doug's

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