Tag Archives: Thanksgiving

The Macy’s Day Parade Used To Be Downright Terrifying

“AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

~AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

WHAT IS THIS

The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is a time-honored American pastime. On the fourth Thursday of each November since 1924, crowds line up in New York to celebrate the holiday season. Of course, one of the most famous aspects of this parade comes from their iconic balloon floats, which is what the photo you’ve been screaming at above is about.

That’s right, while the Macy’s Parade is known for its oversized balloons of famous and beloved figures from our culture (also Garfield is there) it wasn’t always the wistful display you’re used to. In fact…

The Macy’s Day Parade Used To Be Downright Terrifying

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Your American Guide to Surviving Thanksgiving

“I’m too drunk and full to talk about politics.”

~Someone doing Thanksgiving right

turkey

Thanksgiving is two days away, which means that some of you are definitely using that as an excuse to eat unhealthy and drink on weekdays.  And that’s good!  The best holidays are the ones you can kind of streeetch into a full week or more of unhealthy behavior, sort of like how Halloween almost always has a party for the weekend before and after the 31st of October.

But some people might not like Thanksgiving as much as our staff does.  While we enjoy spending time with our families, carefully navigating the “when do I switch from beer to wine so I’m not double fisting at the dinner table” dynamic and watching football games where people fumble off of butts, some Americans aren’t that lucky, and have to spend most of their time biting their tongue at Uncle Richard’s assertion that “Anderson Cooper’s one of those damn lizard people” as their Aunt Edna passive-aggressively criticizes all the dishes that she didn’t make. So for those of you who view Thanksgiving as a time to take a deep breath and mumble, “Okay, let’s get this over with” we humbly offer a few suggestions to make your Thanksgiving tolerable.  Or even kind of okay!

Your American Guide to Surviving Thanksgiving

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An AFFotD Thanksgiving: Wherein AFFotD Decries the Fiendish Practices of the Mother Nature Network, Who Have Actively Tried to Ruin Thanksgiving by Making it Healthier, While We Offer Methods to Make Thanksgiving Even More Un-Healthy to Spite These Malcontents

“Get.  That.  Healthy.  Shit.  Out. Of.  My.  Goddamn.  House.”

~Americans That Appreciate Thanksgiving

photo(78)

America, tomorrow is Thanksgiving, which means that all of us will be spending some quality time with our families, eating gobs of unhealthy food and washing it down with copious amounts of wine and waiting for that one family member to get a little too tipsy and start talking about “the things wrong with society” with a slightly racist tinge.  Or, if you don’t have a family member who does that, you’re probably that family member, so wait until your fifth glass of wine to talk about how Kim Kardashian was naked in Paper magazine, and how that makes you feel.

Of course, Thanksgiving is a wonderful time of the year.  It’s a day that basically is dedicated to making a bunch of delicious food, drinking with family, and watching football without having to leave the house.  It lacks the gift-giving pressure of Christmas, and the inevitable failure to meet expectations of New Year’s Eve.  Sure, a lot of food has to be made, but that tends to be more of a communal experience than anything else, while your dad gets half-jokingly ribbed for spending all of his time drinking beer on the damn couch watching the Dallas game.

The point being, we love Thanksgiving, and we love that people say it’s the one day a year where they really can “let themselves go” when they mean to say it’s like the 150th day this year that they’ve said “fuck it” and decided to really “let themselves go.”  That’s a beautiful thing.

And then you get websites that say stupid, bullheaded things like “9 Thankgiving Dishes Made Healthier.”  No.  We do not want our Thanksgiving to be healthier, Mother Nature Network.  We do not want that one bit.  Stop it.  We said stop.

Wherein AFFotD Decries the Fiendish Practices of the Mother Nature Network, Who Have Actively Tried to Ruin Thanksgiving by Making it Healthier, While We Offer Methods to Make Thanksgiving Even More Un-Healthy to Spite These Malcontents

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The Craziest Fried Foods of the 2013 State Fair of Texas

“Arteries…closing…tell my family…yum…”

~AFFotD’s (Former) Intern Food Taster

fried buscuit and gravy

If you’ve ever been to this site, you’ve probably realized that we talk a lot (and we mean a lot) about fried foods.  Seriously, just look at the top of the page and hover your mouse over “America’s Culinary Treats.”  Yup, there it is, third item down.  Of course, the reason why we talk about fried food so often is that America does fried food better than anyone, and we have more revolutionary breakthroughs in fried food technology than the human genome project.

Naturally, state fairs and carnivals are where the newest, most insane fried foods come out to play, and this year’s Texas State Fair was no exception.  So, we’re here to give you a partial list of the most insane fried foods to be featured this year, because it’s been five hours since your last fried food dish, and you’re starting to get the shakes.

The Craziest Fried Foods of the 2013 State Fair of Texas

 fried food

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Wherein AFFotD Exalts Thanksgiving While Spurning Mother Nature Network’s Insidious Attempt To Feed America Vegetables

“No, no no no, please, I’ll say anything you want, just please stop making me eat these dishes, NOT ON THANKSGIVING GODDAMNIT!”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

Thanksgiving is one of the most incredible American holidays imaginable.  If you’re anything like our staff, you relish the opportunity to drink beer and watch football as your family members awkwardly assume outdated gender roles while you wait to get drunk enough to start lecturing your nieces and nephews about the unfair pricing practices of the local Filipino rub and tug massage parlor.  Listen, we’re just saying, given how much the happy ending costs, we’re pretty sure that tip should be included in the price already.  But we digress.

This is a wonderful time of year, a time where we can sit back and reflect on all the Indians we’ve brutally slaughtered in the past, and give thanks for the fact that turkeys are so ugly that they’re just begging to be beheaded, plucked, and put in an oven for half a day.

But sometimes, dark storm clouds gather over what should be a joyous day.  Maybe there’s a Lions fan in your family.  Maybe everyone tries another one of those pesky “interventions” because “when you drink you get angry and say hurtful things” which would mean, you know, no day drinking.  Or maybe, God forbid…a vegetarian somehow ends up being in charge of your food options.

So when we were made aware of this article by the Mother Nature Network entitled “5 Amazingly Tasty Vegetarian Thanksgiving Options” we couldn’t contain our bloodlust.  No turkey?  Really?  Fuck Mother Nature Network for even positing such a terrifying alternate reality.

Let’s take a look at this list.  May God have mercy on our souls. Continue reading

America Fun Fact of the Day 12/17- Saturday Image of the Week

“Keep on reaching, little guy.”

~Yes.  Keep on reaching.

Every Saturday we tend to half-ass and piece together an article with a picture slapped on it, because it’s Saturday and we treat Fridays like Americans should- by getting mindlessly drunk and possibly threatening to punch a fucker in the face.  (Yeah we’re talking to you.  You know who you are.  Come at us, bro.  Come at us.)

But every once and a while we take a moment to salute the future, because we all know that eventually, our future Americans will be just as American as us.  Here is one of those moments.

Have a great weekend, everybody.

[REDACTED]’s Thanksgiving

“This is how we do it, America.”

~[REDACTED]

We all know [REDACTED] by this point.  Contrary to popular belief, we don’t always just make him do terrible, awful things.  Well, okay we absolutely do, but every once and a while he gets out of his shackles and spends some American time on his own.  And in the case of Thanksgiving, he decided to take some poor-resolution photos and send us a description of his Thanksgiving.  While we’re pretty impressed, we’re not jealous- our office’s Thanksgiving celebration involves turning metals into liquor and enough Turkey beheadings to technically qualify as an international act of aggression.

That being said, we have absolutely no issues letting you in on the booze and gluttony that is…

[REDACTED]’s Delicious Thanksgiving

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Cranberries Can Getchya Drunk

“This truly is an admirable little berry, tart in complexion, and sure to be an easy way to get the ladies smashed if you mix it with vodka.”

~Sir Walter Raleigh

 

A week from Thursday, all of us will take a well earned break to drink, watch football and/or cook, and gain a solid 10 pounds of turkey weight before falling into a food coma that will go unrivaled until next year.  That’s right, Thanksgiving is upon us, a day when we as Americans reflect about all the things we are thankful about.  The top of the list generally is “Being Amrrrican”, and that’s because you’re proud, and you should be.  We as a nation devour billions of pounds of turkey each year, and Thanksgiving is one of the reasons why we’ve inbred those flightless birds to the point where they peak at the mental capacity of a lima bean.

But, as much as Turkey is championed as the staple of American Thanksgiving deliciousness (and it will be getting its own fact of the day at some point, fear not loyal readers), there is one seemingly insignificant little berry that has enough America per square inch that when you squeeze it, it leaks out 1/3 of the colors of the American flag.  It can be mixed with your booze, and it can be served gelatinously from a can, and no matter what, it is delicious, and it is American.

We of course are referring to the cranberry.

Seen here markedly improving very shitty liquor.

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AFFotD Presents a Week of American Holidays (Part Two)

“Two days off in a row is sort of cutting it a little close, though…”

~Still your boss

As we discussed in yesterday’s fun fact, this week will be devoted to discussing the importance of Holidays in American culture.  We’re going to keep that going today with the most American Federal Holidays that you don’t have to go to work for, because America’s got your back.

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Happy 4th of July, AFFotD Presents a Week of Holidays (Part One)

“…I actually like holidays a bit myself.”

~Your boss


Back in the 2004, as we were relishing in the early-mid-aughties, a song came out that had lyrics we found particularly inspiring.  “It’s so much better on holiday/ that’s why we only work/ when we need the money.”  These American words, written by Franz Ferdinand (oh shit wait they’re from Glasgow, uh, shit shit uh, how about…) AC/DC really sum up the mindset of a nation that founded by a holiday (the 4th of July) and uses holidays to celebrate everything from the brutal subjugation of asshole natives who were acting like they owned the land they had lived on for generations (Columbus Day) to the brutal subjugation of asshole natives who had the audacity to try to tell us how to grow corn (Thanksgiving).  You stick the seed in the ground, we’re pretty sure we can take it from here, now give us New York please.

Yeah that’s about right

Of course, the origins of holidays have very little to do with their American purpose.  Cinco De Mayo used to be a mild celebration over a battle that the Mexican army won in 1862, but now it’s a way for us to celebrate getting drunk on Tequila while letting American school children worry school officials by wearing in-your-face American flag paraphernalia.  In the long run, if it gets us out of work, or school, we don’t really care too much about the origin of holidays.  Non-Christians that complain about the fact that they “have” to take a day off of work on Christmas are the grown-up equivalent of the nerdy kid in school who demands that the teacher give the class a pop quiz.  No one has ever liked them, because they’re annoying, now take your free day and like it.

Or else

So with that in mind, and in honor of today being the Fourth of July, this week AFFotD will present for you a a week devoted to the discussion of the American qualities of each Holiday.  We’re here to start with every Federal (ie, public offices are closed by it) holiday, and rank them in terms of their Americanness, from worst to first.

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