“No, no no no, please, I’ll say anything you want, just please stop making me eat these dishes, NOT ON THANKSGIVING GODDAMNIT!”
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
Thanksgiving is one of the most incredible American holidays imaginable. If you’re anything like our staff, you relish the opportunity to drink beer and watch football as your family members awkwardly assume outdated gender roles while you wait to get drunk enough to start lecturing your nieces and nephews about the unfair pricing practices of the local Filipino rub and tug massage parlor. Listen, we’re just saying, given how much the happy ending costs, we’re pretty sure that tip should be included in the price already. But we digress.
This is a wonderful time of year, a time where we can sit back and reflect on all the Indians we’ve brutally slaughtered in the past, and give thanks for the fact that turkeys are so ugly that they’re just begging to be beheaded, plucked, and put in an oven for half a day.
But sometimes, dark storm clouds gather over what should be a joyous day. Maybe there’s a Lions fan in your family. Maybe everyone tries another one of those pesky “interventions” because “when you drink you get angry and say hurtful things” which would mean, you know, no day drinking. Or maybe, God forbid…a vegetarian somehow ends up being in charge of your food options.
So when we were made aware of this article by the Mother Nature Network entitled “5 Amazingly Tasty Vegetarian Thanksgiving Options” we couldn’t contain our bloodlust. No turkey? Really? Fuck Mother Nature Network for even positing such a terrifying alternate reality.
Let’s take a look at this list. May God have mercy on our souls. Continue reading