Tag Archives: Makers Mark

Wherein AFFotD Exalts Thanksgiving While Spurning Mother Nature Network’s Insidious Attempt To Feed America Vegetables

“No, no no no, please, I’ll say anything you want, just please stop making me eat these dishes, NOT ON THANKSGIVING GODDAMNIT!”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

Thanksgiving is one of the most incredible American holidays imaginable.  If you’re anything like our staff, you relish the opportunity to drink beer and watch football as your family members awkwardly assume outdated gender roles while you wait to get drunk enough to start lecturing your nieces and nephews about the unfair pricing practices of the local Filipino rub and tug massage parlor.  Listen, we’re just saying, given how much the happy ending costs, we’re pretty sure that tip should be included in the price already.  But we digress.

This is a wonderful time of year, a time where we can sit back and reflect on all the Indians we’ve brutally slaughtered in the past, and give thanks for the fact that turkeys are so ugly that they’re just begging to be beheaded, plucked, and put in an oven for half a day.

But sometimes, dark storm clouds gather over what should be a joyous day.  Maybe there’s a Lions fan in your family.  Maybe everyone tries another one of those pesky “interventions” because “when you drink you get angry and say hurtful things” which would mean, you know, no day drinking.  Or maybe, God forbid…a vegetarian somehow ends up being in charge of your food options.

So when we were made aware of this article by the Mother Nature Network entitled “5 Amazingly Tasty Vegetarian Thanksgiving Options” we couldn’t contain our bloodlust.  No turkey?  Really?  Fuck Mother Nature Network for even positing such a terrifying alternate reality.

Let’s take a look at this list.  May God have mercy on our souls. Continue reading

The Official Looters Guide to Rioting

“The habwasher makes the cranny go boom with the wimflazzle double decker!”

~…Ugh.  Fucking Brits.


We here at AFFotD have firmly established that we are experts in the field of looting.  We assumed that this knowledge would be necessary for the impending apocalypse, and because we’re all hedonistic Satanists who worship the false God of Whiskey (with his disciples, Jim, Jack, and M. Mark) we’re more likely to be left behind than an un-baptized Jewish infant.

Well, leave it to England to prove that humanity is just a barely contained bubbling pot of rage that is one police shooting of a drug dealer away from going fucking nuts.  That’s our bad.  Most good Americans cast aside their “faith in the basic decency of humanity” around the same time they got really into Calvin and Hobbes and decided to Wikipedia the guy the tiger was named after (philosophy joke high five!)

“State of nature, motherfuckers.”

Leave it to the Brits to fuck up the whole thing.  Their idea of looting is burning buses and pummeling the occasional civilian into a comatose pulp.  And yes, they have an idea of what “Looting” is in the same sense that breast-fed infants have an idea what “motor boating” is.

See that?  That’s a bunch of British people who decided to set fire to a SONY warehouse that holds a bunch of CDs and records.  The shit is that?  Looters of London, the world is your oyster, and you have a sledgehammer, so why are you focusing all your efforts on smashing a piece of bread?  Goddamn it, America’s gotta step in again and show you how to do it.  Looks like it’s time for…

AFFotD’s Official Looters Guide to Rioting

 

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