“Get. That. Healthy. Shit. Out. Of. My. Goddamn. House.”
~Americans That Appreciate Thanksgiving
America, tomorrow is Thanksgiving, which means that all of us will be spending some quality time with our families, eating gobs of unhealthy food and washing it down with copious amounts of wine and waiting for that one family member to get a little too tipsy and start talking about “the things wrong with society” with a slightly racist tinge. Or, if you don’t have a family member who does that, you’re probably that family member, so wait until your fifth glass of wine to talk about how Kim Kardashian was naked in Paper magazine, and how that makes you feel.
Of course, Thanksgiving is a wonderful time of the year. It’s a day that basically is dedicated to making a bunch of delicious food, drinking with family, and watching football without having to leave the house. It lacks the gift-giving pressure of Christmas, and the inevitable failure to meet expectations of New Year’s Eve. Sure, a lot of food has to be made, but that tends to be more of a communal experience than anything else, while your dad gets half-jokingly ribbed for spending all of his time drinking beer on the damn couch watching the Dallas game.
The point being, we love Thanksgiving, and we love that people say it’s the one day a year where they really can “let themselves go” when they mean to say it’s like the 150th day this year that they’ve said “fuck it” and decided to really “let themselves go.” That’s a beautiful thing.
And then you get websites that say stupid, bullheaded things like “9 Thankgiving Dishes Made Healthier.” No. We do not want our Thanksgiving to be healthier, Mother Nature Network. We do not want that one bit. Stop it. We said stop.
Wherein AFFotD Decries the Fiendish Practices of the Mother Nature Network, Who Have Actively Tried to Ruin Thanksgiving by Making it Healthier, While We Offer Methods to Make Thanksgiving Even More Un-Healthy to Spite These Malcontents