Category Archives: America’s Greatest Fun Facts

An approximate list of the finest Fun Facts to grace the internet lined walls of affotd.com. If you’re a first time visitor, or someone who wants to read a classic post from months ago, this page is for you.

The Most Terrifying Products Marketed For Lonely People

“OH GOD KILL IT WITH FIRE.”

~Single people

um wut

It can be rough out there for single Americans, to the point that you can pretty much will below-average R-rated comedies into existence just by giving it a name of “How to be Single.”  There are millions of Americans for whom the dating scene oscillates between shitty Tinder dates and long, depressing walks through parks that are impossibly filled with happy couples while “Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head” plays from an unseen speaker system that somehow seems to be following you everywhere you go (it’s actually being played through an iPhone of a kid that their ex paid to follow them around to torment them because their ex is a goddamn monster).  For many in this position, it seems like every product on the market other than two buck Chuck and Sharper Image neck massagers are happy-couple focused items that just rub your singledom in your face.  Goddamn it, most couples don’t even want to buy a tandem bike, why are you putting out a full page ad for one in this week’s Maxim?

The point being, 50% of Americans are single, and those 50% are distributed between Americans in relationships, Americans who don’t want to settle down and want to “live the single life,” and Americans who feel, well, kind of lonely about their lack of a mate.  There’s also like, the five people who say they’re “single and ready to mingle” while doing that finger-guns thing, but there’s pending legislation going through the senate to ensure that those guys get their US citizenship removed.

But of those three groups of unmarried Americans, it’s, not surprisingly, the lonely people that can end up being a bit forgotten and left behind.  Sure, Buzzfeed is legally required to post a Liz-Lemon-gif-heavy article about “13 signs you’re an introvert” every month, but ever since Netflix got claimed by people using it to have sex, it’s hard for lonely people to find products and services that are really tailored for them.  Thankfully, entrepreneurs are starting to realize that there’s a huge untapped marketplace, filled with young, active Americans with gobs of disposable income not going towards Valentine’s Day gifts and wedding planning and *pauses and changes course once we notice that our single readers have begun sobbing*.  Unfortunately, most of these entrepreneurs are goddamn psychopaths, and their cure for loneliness is nightmare fuel.

The Most Terrifying Products Marketed For Lonely People

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The Greatest Culinary Crimes Perpetrated by the British

I’m sorry, there’s no one here with that job title.”

~AFFotD’s Cultural Sensitivity Officer

british flag

America has always had an uncomfortable relationship with England, sort of like a second husband trying to be polite to his wife’s ex when he comes by to take his kid for the weekend.  Like, we’re friendly enough, but deep down we kind of suspect they resent us for taking what they once had.  We don’t say this to make any larger point about England and America, or even their alliance and history throughout the years, because nothing about this post is going to be diplomatic, smart, or even particularly well-informed.  We’re here to make fun of British food.

We talk about food a lot here, and for good reason—America is a land of delicious and largely unhealthy delicacies, and frankly we think it’s a little rude for you to respond to our eager descriptions of insane fried foods with something like, “Dear God, according to your cholesterol levels you should be dead,” Doctor Fredricks.  And we make fun of other countries a lot here, because we think America is the greatest and we kind of get defensive when people imply otherwise.  Oh that’s great, Switzerland, your country is the happiest in the world, well fuck off we have nukes and guns we’re better than you FOOTBALLLLLL.

Ahem.

More to the point, considering how often we talk about American food in all its wondrous incarnations, it’s important to remind ourselves that light cannot exist without darkness.  American food is the light.  British food is…well there’s a reason we make fun of British food.  This is the reason.  These foods are the reasons.

The Greatest Culinary Crimes Perpetrated by the British

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The Medal of Honor from 1871-1917: The Military Honor America Couldn’t Seem To Give Away Fast Enough

“No, seriously, you have to stop printing these like Thin Mints.  What’s it gonna take, an actual major war to make you chill?”

~Smedley Butler, trying to turn down a Medal of Honor in the early 20th century

medal of honor

We’re going to start this one off with a disclaimer—any claims we make regarding the Medal of Honor is a reflection of how politicians and military leaders handed out the honor before we really had any intense modern wars under our belt.  Our servicemen that fought in the World Wars, Korea, Vietnam, Afghanistan, Iraq, or the many other excursions where they have put their lives on the line for their brothers and for their country have paid dearly for our benefit, and every single recipient of the Medal of Honor can, at worst, be called a hero (at best they can be called “basically Batman, if Batman could get free beer and deserved gratitude sex whenever they want”).

Even when we make fun of the skirmishes that resulted in Medals of honor being handed out during the time period of 1869 (when we had kind of forgotten what the Civil War was like) to 1917 (when we started World War I and realized, holy shit, this shit is super intense), we’re acknowledging that the soldiers who were awarded did show valor and a love of this country.  They just happened to get an award that was handed out to pretty much anyone who asked for it up until recently.  Let’s put it this way—Congress gave out 1522 Medal of Honors in the Civil War, of which 32 were posthumous.  Now, the American Civil War was a bloody and bitterly fought war, but when you consider the fact that we awarded only 464 during the entirety of World War II (266 posthumously by the way), or that we’ve only given out 16 (7 of which were to fallen soldiers) of these awards in the Afghanistan and Iraqi War combined, you can see how we’ve increasingly made the honor harder and harder to get.  The Congressional Medal of Honor, as we know it know, is the most prestigious and rare award for those who have gone above and beyond their duty to keep freedom within these borders—for those of you with a loose idea of what military action generally means, this is the award a soldier gets when doing something so brave and so intense that, if you saw it in a movie, you’d respond, “Oh, come on, the director’s really taking some liberties with this battle to make it seem more exciting.”

So currently, yes, the Medal of Honor is given out only in the most extraordinary and harrowing cases , but during the time period between the end of the Civil War and start of World War I?  Well, at that point it was more…

The Medal of Honor from 1871-1917: The Military Honor America Couldn’t Seem To Give Away Fast Enough

 more medals of honor

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AFFotD Book Review: Smooth Talking by Mohammed Zubair

“Ha-ha!  Hu-man interaction!”

~Mohammed Zubair

smooth talking

Self-published books are one of our best sources for pure, distilled ego and delusion.  It takes a certain kind of person to say, “Well, I can’t get a literary agent, or a publisher, but my words must be read via kindle, so I shall do this myself!” This is directly responsible for a whole slew of intentionally and unintentionally (mostly unintentionally) hilarious books, with some of them managing to tackle topics other than fucking dinosaurs.

Similarly, pickup artists are one of our best sources for cringeworthy attempts to dilute 50% of our population into basically stop lights with vaginas, where people who, in theory, have had sex a few times with strangers have decided that they must tell their “secrets” to the world, which ends up being about as interesting as listening to a man shouting on the bus about getting a blowjob in an alleyway this one time.  As long as you don’t take it seriously (and please, don’t, that implies they’re saying serious things) this too is a hilarious source of pure, distilled ego and delusion, as well as the most awkward almost alien attempts to mimic hu-man ver-bal interactions in existence.

With that in mind, we stumbled across this little doozy of a book by one Mohammed Zubair, who promises to give you over 500 examples of conversation starters so that you can achieve the one thing you, assuming you’re a male, or a lesbian we guess, were put on this planet to do—have grossly unsatisfying sex with someone you recently met at a bar.  It’s incredible, and so, so awkward, and we had to tell you about it.  It’s book review time!

AFFotD Book Review:  Smooth Talking by Mohammed Zubair

intro to book smooth talker

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The American Evolution Of Seasoning and Spicy Foods

*pop*

*hssssss*

“…Gas?  GAS!  GAAASSSSSS!  MASKS ON!  MASKS ON GODDAMN IT!  OH GOD TOO LATE!!!!”

~Residents of Irwindale, CA                                         

oatmeal sriracha bear

(source)

The American Evolution Of Seasoning and Spicy Foods

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M&M’s Grossest Flavors of All Time

“They melt in your heart, not in your OH MOTHER OF GOD SOMETHING HAS GONE HORRIBLY WRONG.”

~Rejected M&M slogan

M&Ms

In 1941, Forrest Mars, Sr., son of the Mars Company founder Frank C. Mars, patented a process for tempering a hard shell of chocolate around chocolate pellets in order to prevent the candies from melting.  Production immediately began under the name M&M Limited (named for Mars and Bruce Murrie, the son of the president of Hershey’s chocolate with a 20% stake in the product), with an agreement to only use Hershey chocolate.  These button-shaped candies exploded in popularity during the second World War due to their durability, and the shells were given bright colors such as yellow, green, red, and violet to go along with standard brown-colored shells.  And with that, an American institution was created.

These “m” printed candies are now sold in over 100 countries, but remain the most popular to-go chocolate snack for Americans everywhere.  The simple elegance of the coated milk chocolate delivers a burst of flavor with each individual candy, and just thinking about M&Ms while reading this article has you saying, “Goddamn it, I really want a bag of M&M’s right now.”  And you should.

Throughout the years we’ve been sampling the best of America, we’ve learned through painful, gut-wrenching trial and error, that sometimes the best American ideas are cruelly marred by our at-times overzealous imaginations.  Yes, the same good intentions and terrible execution that gave us Watermelon Oreos has befallen the perfection that is the M&M candy.  And, as is our sworn duty, we are here to let you know that these mistakes exist, because it’s only when we see those we care about at their ugliest that we can truly learn to love their beauty.  Or we just like telling you about terrifying candies.  However you want to look at it.

M&M’s Grossest Flavors of All Time

 printed m&ms

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America’s 10 Most Alcoholic Beers

“Beer, motor fuel, semantics.”

~American Brewers

brewmeister armageddon

For some time now, Media sources have been discussing how “Macro” beers such as Budweiser, Coors, and piss Miller have been losing ground to the niche market of craft breweries.  There has been a lot of speculation as to the reason for this—microbrews tend to use better ingredients to make creative, delicious, flavorful beers that blow their much more watered down counterparts out of the water.  They are a new, thriving addition to an alcohol producing landscape that until recently has been remarkably stagnant.  Hell, microbrews even offer a wide variety of complex beer styles that can be paired with any meal, as opposed to Bud Light, which is only paired with Solo Cups and roofies.

Yes, all of those can explain the surge of craft beers, but if we had to guess, the main reason behind their success rests with the fact that we’re all American, and craft beers just tend to get you drunk faster.  You can doll it up all you want, but most Americans would rather spend a few more bucks on a tasty beer as opposed to a domestic brew that’s got half the alcohol.  That’s just simple economics.

So in order to celebrate America’s contributions to getting you drunk while drinking as little liquid as possible, we at AFFotD are here to present you with…

America’s 10 Most Alcoholic Beers

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[REDACTED] Reviews The Recycle Rap

“Oh this is awful.  Let’s put [REDACTED] on it, I guess.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

everything is terrible

We don’t necessarily go out of our way to hawk other people’s websites, but every once in a while we have to give a site its credit when they post a video that’s so great we’ll want to discuss it, or so horrible we’ll force our undercover investigator, [REDACTED], to review it.  In this case, the blog Everything Is Terrible was more than willing to supply us with, well, one of those terrible ones.  Specifically, an awkward, probably 90’s, video of  awkward children rap about recycling.  You can take a moment to watch it if you like, but we can save you the pain by inflicting it on our poor, abused investigative journalist.

Ha ha, we love to make you suffer, [REDACTED]!

[REDACTED] Reviews The Recycle Rap

east180_1043555a

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The 10 Greatest Christmas Movies Of All Time: The Drinking Game

“Ca-ching!”

~TV Executives during Christmas film re-runs season

snowman

Christmas is a time of family and nostalgia.  Well, liquor as well.  And definitely presents.  Okay, so Christmas is a time of liquor and presents.  Still, nostalgia and family play an important part, and every family tends to have their own Christmas movie that they watch each year to get them in the holiday spirit.  Sure, you occasionally might see some terrifyingly misguided attempts to be “hip” to cash in on the holiday season, but no matter how many shitty country music stars you put in front of a live audience, the classic films we grew up with are what really give us our holiday cheer each and every year.

With Christmas right around the corner (AGHH!  ONE WEEK YOU GUYS!), we decided to count down the greatest Christmas films to ever come out of this fair country.  But, since everyone uses the holiday season as a flimsy excuse to drive their page views by coming up with a gimmicky top-ten Christmas film list, we decided we’d get to the true heart of the holiday season—getting drunk.  After all, drinking games bring American families together even better than classic holiday films, so why not combine these two wonderful traditions to help bring each and every family drunkenly closer together?  With that yuletide spirit in mind, make sure to put some extra bourbon in your already-spiked eggnog, and join us as we regale you with…

The 10 Greatest Christmas Movies Of All Time Drinking Game

 christmas tree

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Nine of the Highest Blood Alcohol Levels of All Time

“I’m not as officer as you drunk I am, vomit.”

~America’s Drunks

We’ve been told that alcohol can be lethal when taken in large enough doses.  We know, that sounds counter-intuitive, but bear with us.  As everyone who has purchased a breathalyzer from Sharper Image for parties and making sad, sad nights by yourself more justifiable by saying you’re “doing research” can attest, when you get to a BAC of about .2, you’re going to stop remembering things.  Knowing that, it makes slightly more sense that Wikipedia would list the side effects of a “>0.50 BAC” as “death.”

But this is America, goddamn it.  You know there have to be supermen (and women!  Don’t forget those ladies!) who can survive alcohol levels that can kill a rhino.  And while the staff of AFFotD has never made the news for being busted with a lethal BAC, many Americans have, and we’re here to salute them.  Sort of.  Well, we’re going to salute them in the same way you salute someone trying to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel.  Because, damn you guys, when we think you drank too much, you know you’re in trouble.

Nine of the Highest Blood Alcohol Levels of All Time

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