Category Archives: America’s Greatest Fun Facts

An approximate list of the finest Fun Facts to grace the internet lined walls of affotd.com. If you’re a first time visitor, or someone who wants to read a classic post from months ago, this page is for you.

Goddamn It Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong: The Kit Kat Bar

“Gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a piece  of that… OH WHAT THE FUCK, JAPAN!?”

~America

Apart from the Chinese inventing fireworks and Arabs inventing all those boring “math” “innovations” like “the number 0,” America is responsible for inventing everything great that we have in the world.  The light bulb, the internet, the George Foreman Grill, all of these essential and life-changing products were conceived and birthed here in the U S of A.  Unfortunately, as soon as a product has been invented, anyone is free to tinker with it, and often in trying to improve an idea, they poison it.

Yes, we’re talking about Japan.

Specifically, it is Japan’s bastardization of American culinary treats that is both mind boggling, and terrifying.  It must be stopped.  So, we are beginning a new feature, discussing Japan’s terrifying alteration of American products, with…

Goddamn It Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong:  The Kit Kat Bar

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Wherein AFFotD Discovers and Decimates the Character and Views of the Bigoted Florida Family Association

“Ha, that’s a good one.  Wait, what?  It’s not a joke?  Uh…”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

As a purveyor of American knowledge, as well as a site that uses an American flag in our banner, we try to keep things fairly non-controversial here.  You tend not to see open displays of bigotry (unless it’s against Russians, French, or those damn Scandinavians) because that simply is a very un-American way to live life.  Don’t get us wrong, we absolutely support blind judgment, but that blind judgment is best suited for people who act a certain way you don’t like.  So if you decide you aren’t going to drink alcohol, or aren’t going to eat meat, or want to “conserve the environment” we can tell you go to go hell with a lot of colorful invectives, and we’ll probably call you ugly for good measure.

But unfortunately, there are some people who mistake the word “America” for “America in the 1840s” and they tend to take confounding stances against an array of groups, like people from different religions, people of different sexual preference, people of different races, or people who have publically supported the use of those devilish “Cotton Gin” devices.

And normally, these groups can exist peacefully, because we are about as concerned about the views of these groups as we are about the cold sores our college exes have been getting since spring break.  Which is to say, we don’t care, it’s not our problem.  Unfortunately, while the STDs contracted by your former significant others tends not to be covered on the news (unless your ex was John Mayer, in which case, hi Jen and Jessica, we’re glad you found our site!) sometimes certain groups get covered in the news because they managed to Troll the national media into thinking that the American Public wants to see a balding white man talk about how evil Muslims are.  And that’s where we come in.

Seriously, dude looks like Gerald Ford after a botched lobotomy. 

So with that in mind, we here at AFFotD feel compelled to take David Caton, executive director of the Florida Family Association down a few pegs.  You might remember them as that group that protested a TV show about Muslims living in America because it didn’t show the Muslim-Americans being terroristy.  Which is sort of like protesting the show In Living Color because it didn’t feature enough professional basketball players.  David Caton knows so little about other ethnicities and religions that he doesn’t drink juice because he thinks it’s going to kill Jesus and charge him interest.

So while we promised ourselves that we’d take a break from insulting ugly people, we decided that receding hairline jokes are acceptable when they’re about bigots.  So get your battle lances ready, America, it’s time for…

AFFotD Discovers and Decimates the Character and Views of the Bigoted Florida Family Association

Pictured above:  David Caton imagining himself performing the physical act of love with another man.

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The Strangest Ways Americans Get High (Legally)

“Uh, guys?  We’ve got perfectly good booze right here…”

~Seriously, Bath Salts?  The fuck?

In America, we agree with that Ferris Bueller quotation.  “Life goes by pretty fast, if you don’t stop and alter your state of consciousness once and a while, you could miss it.”  That’s why we have liquor, a magical liquid that warms your belly and makes it seven times more likely that your evening will end with you dancing on a bar in some state of undress.  But sometimes, people of a certain white trash persuasion either don’t want to spend the money on booze, aren’t old enough to buy booze, or have such high tolerances that they need to inject themselves with the liquid inside of Magic 8 Balls just to feel something.

On the streets, they call it “Shootin’ Dome.” 

Really, while you can easily find perfectly good liquor or questionably prescribed pain medications for you take enough of to forget your inevitable mortality, a lot of people of certain white trash persuasion are eagerly looking for items you can legally purchase that randomly will get you high or in an otherwise altered state.  Much like the first man to eat a tomato when the world thought it was poisonous, adventurous white trash souls look around at random items they can purchase in a gas station or a Bed, Bath and Beyond and think to themselves, “Huh, I wonder what would happen if I smoked this.”  See a string of carpet abandoned in a dumpster?  Smoke it, maybe the glue will get high.  See a vat of tar sitting by some road workers?  Huff that shit, maybe you’ll see Jesus.  Spot one of those house plants with the big leafs that look like elephant ears?  Holy shit, do not eat that, you will die.

It is possible to do stupid things that can still be considered American.  That’s why we are here to present you with…

The Strangest Ways Americans Get High (Legally)

DISCLAIMER:  Some of the products listed below can have harmful, possibly fatal side effects.  They are dangerous, damaging, and make you look cool.  You know who else was cool?  Elvis.  And you know what happened to him?  He DIED.  He slept with hundreds of beautiful women and then he died.  To be honest, we’re not the best at writing disclaimers.

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Black Friday Article Suggestions

“Hung…over…just…phone it in…”

~Official AFFotD Memo

It’s Black Friday!  You’re all either getting over the excessive food and drink of yesterday, or you’re in line punching out meth heads trying to get an Xbox 360 for $99.  The teeth, America.  Go for the teeth.  That’s their weakness.

To get you through this we’re not going to “write original content” today.  Here’s a link of some of our favorite fun facts of the past year.

Steak is delicious.  Read our most viewed article (yes, even more than the homepage) about the various ways to eat steak here

Hey remember when Chicago brewery Goose Island was purchased by Budweiser and then the brewmaster there got drunk and pissed in a glass?  We do.

How many douchebags does it take to kill a hobo?  Uh, more than you’d guess, as seen in this source article for a cracked.com entry.

Did someone take your shopping experience a bit too far?  ANARCHY!  ANARCHY!  ANARCHY!

Jim Bowie will fuck you up.

If you don’t know who C. Dale Petersen is, you absolutely should read this.

Are You American?

Vegans restaurants hate America, and you should too.  Behold, the birth of [REDACTED]

This bastard thinks America is doomed.  We call him Sackless McGee.

And Finally, start our tour through America’s Midwest with our American Trip Series.

America’s Strangest (And Greatest) Bacon Flavored Products

“Goddamn it, you’re right.  I AM delicious.”

~A pig


When someone goes up to you and asks, “What is the most American breakfast food imaginable” you’re never able to respond because your mouth is jammed full of delicious bacon.  To say that America is obsessed with bacon is like saying that John Hinckley, Jr. only had a “small crush” on Jodie Foster.  Whenever there’s a heart attack in America, the Bacon Council smiles wryly and adds a tally to a list somewhere.  Hell, there’s a group about bacon as a religion on facebook.  We love bacon because, unsurprisingly, America does bacon different and better than every other nation.

While bacon in itself is simply a cut of pork that’s been cured (usually in brine), many nations use “leaner” cuts of meat for their bacon, where America says “fuck it, what’s the fattiest part of a pig?  The pig belly?  Makes sense, let’s use that shit then.”  This is why English or Canadian bacon is nothing more than a salty pork chop, while American bacon is a glorious piece of art streaked with more fat than a bar of soap made in Fight Club.

“I don’t know, I’m partial to crispy myself.”

And while bacon deserves its own Fun Fact, we here at AFFotD feel impelled to talk about a phenomenon more specifically American than bacon itself.  We of course are referring to the American habit to make everything taste like bacon.  It’s the greatest thing to happen to capitalism since factories.  Every day, an executive says, “Let’s flavor this like bacon,” and when a subordinate asks, “why bacon?” he responds, “Because fuck you, you’re fired, bacon is delicious.”

It most certainly is.  With that in mind, we’re here to present you with…

America’s Strangest (And Greatest) Bacon Flavored Products

 

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More Insane American Patents

“You’d think it never gets old…and it really doesn’t.”

~US Patent Office Worker

 

http://science.discovery.com/top-ten/2009/strange-patents/images/03-strange-patents-fart-pad.jpg

As we’ve previously discussed, American patents are ridiculous expressions of the American spirit.  The patent process is so American that, if you go to the Government’s search engine for patents that came out in the past 40 years and type in “alcohol” you get 414,477 results.  “But AFFotD,” you may be saying as you shudder off a shot of rough whiskey, “alcohol is a common element in medical and chemical research, so that doesn’t really tell us that much.  Okay, fine naysayer, so try searching for “Alcohol and guns.”  1,859 hitsHell, even going the redundant route0by searching for “Alcohol and guns and beer” yields you 51 patents.

Yes, Americans love coming up with insane things that have no purpose, but most of them don’t have anything to do with alcohol or guns.  That being said, a surprising amount of American patents were invented by people that have a mannequin named Mother that they use to store their family of pet Pill Bugs.  These inventors magically appear behind you if you say their patent numbers out loud three times into a mirror.  That’s right, we’re here to delve into the very depths of insanity with…

More Insane American Patents

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A Shocking Look At What Vegans Cannot Eat

“This is the most depressing list I’ve ever seen.  Those poor Vegans.  Please, just take a big old bite out of my flank.  I want you to be happy.”

~A cow

Ever since we sent [REDACTED] on a trip into torture and madness not seen since Apocalypse Now, we’ve tried to distance ourselves from the terrifying, un-American creatures known as “Vegans.”  We didn’t know much about them, but we knew they didn’t like meat, and that’s more than enough reason to hate them with every fiber of our beings.  “Oh, but AFFotD, that’s blind, irrational hatred, isn’t that wrong?” you may ask, and we would retort, of course not.  If we didn’t have blind, irrational hatred, we’d have settled this country by “peacefully cohabiting with the natives” and where would that leave us now?  With a lot fewer casinos and a lot less stories about smallpox blankets.  Could you imagine such a terrifying world?  We try not to.

But after a while, we began to develop a curiosity about these soulless (we can only assume) harbingers of soy.  Here’s what we knew about Vegans (through assumption).  They don’t eat meat unless it comes from human babies, they don’t have souls because the only way to acquire and maintain a soul is by devouring the life force of other animals, and they never shower because if they did their white-person dreads would immediately thin out when they touch water.

“My parents eat MEAT so I think it’s WRONG.  I learned that at the college that they paid for me to go to from a professor I was sleeping with.”

Well, for a while this inherent knowledge satisfied us.  But, after months of not even thinking the word “Vegan” we suddenly developed a strong urge to learn about all the foods that they are not allowed to eat.  This may or may not have something to do with putting trace amounts of cow’s blood in the water supply and then buying billboard space that says, “HEY VEGANS!  HOW’S THE COW’S BLOOD TASTE?  IT’S IN YOUR FUCKING WATER, HIPPIES!”

God, the look on their faces is going to be priceless.  Well, time for us to get formal, and focus on…

Foods of Enjoyment (Ignored by Dastardly Vegans)

“Meat:  It’s totally worth killing for.”

The following is a list of foods that Vegans can’t eat.  It’s not comprehensive, but it is comprehensive as far as things that Americans need.  And we’re not exaggerating here.  If an American goes a month without eating any of the following food and drink items, they turn into a male Chinese government official.  Even our women.  All Vegans are secretly Chinese government officials, is what we’re trying to say.

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America’s Goofiest Pictures of American Presidents (Part One: 1933-Present)

Heh, you ain’t gonna find any of me, right?”

~George W. Bush


America is great at whatever they put their mind to, ranging from Lady’s Soccer to anything that isn’t Men’s Soccer.  But even we can’t keep an appearance of perfection at all times.  If there were Americans who, say, looked great every moment of every day, there’d be no reason to Photoshop away the Bulimia-related liver splotches on our most attractive models.  No matter who you’re choosing to idealize, you’re going to be able to find photographic evidence of some imperfection (cough Megan Fox has toe thumbs cough).

Nowhere is that more evident than with our nation’s leaders.  For as long as President’s have been being photographed, presidents have been photographed looking downright goofy or ridiculous at times.  Here is a rundown of the goofy photos of each American President.

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Big Face Animal- The Future of Howling Wolf Shirts

“Whatever, I’m so over the three wolves shirt.  I need something else to ironically show my derision of the trailer park culture.”

~Some fucking hipster


We’ve previously informed you of the powers that Americans receive while wearing a shirt that has wolves on it.  The math equation that determines the abilities you receive in relation to the amount of teeth you have missing and the number of wolves on your shirt is impossible to figure out, because if you’re wearing a wolf shirt you have no business trying to learn what the word “math” means anyway.  If you’re wearing any shirt with wolves on it, every moment you waste saying words that are longer than two syllables is a moment you should be using to discover new types of saturated fats.

Yes, the three wolves howling at the moon shirt is the American equivalent of a Superman costume, or a undershirt soaked through with chicken grease.  It’s a uniform you can use to declare who you are (American) and what you stand for (America) and what your favorite big word is (xenophobia).  But we live in a time where ideals and fashions change at breakneck speed, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that America has outpaced itself in the “ridiculous animals on shirt” department.

We at AFFotD are here to introduce you to the newest way to rebound from your ex-wife getting the double-wide in the divorce settlement…

That’s right.  It’s the Big Face Animals shirt collection by The Mountain.  We know, you’re so happy right now.  Time to dive in and pick out the best, most gloriously American shirts that you know you’re going to spend twenty dollars that smells suspiciously like possum on.

Wherein AFFotD Defends American Speech Patterns From The Radical And Problematic Views Of The Foolish British

“I don’t even care, you guys.  They’re not even people.  They’re just…British.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt


Much like a stubborn teenager who grew up to be far more successful and powerful than their father, America has a complicated relationship with England.  We ran away from home, they burned down our President’s House, we made them feel embarrassed by being so American and awesome, but we still keep in touch sometimes and we like to say that we’re still pretty close friends even though we only see each other a few times a year.

So it always saddens us when we hear British people foolishly try to tell us we’re doing shit wrong.  It doesn’t happen often, because after we remind them that we saved their asses in doubleyou doubleyou two, they fucking owe us, but they still sometimes let criticisms squeak through.

Like this BBC article listing off the 50 “worst” “Americanisms.”  Pssh, way to be oxymoronic, douchebags.  In their classic attempt to write an article without writing an article, these dentist’s nightmares decided to have their readers mail in their least favorite “Americanisms,” as long with an explanation of why they’re bothered by it.

Let’s go through the list and tell them why they’re wrong wrong wrong.  Goddamn limeys.

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