“Uh, guys? We’ve got perfectly good booze right here…”
~Seriously, Bath Salts? The fuck?
In America, we agree with that Ferris Bueller quotation. “Life goes by pretty fast, if you don’t stop and alter your state of consciousness once and a while, you could miss it.” That’s why we have liquor, a magical liquid that warms your belly and makes it seven times more likely that your evening will end with you dancing on a bar in some state of undress. But sometimes, people of a certain white trash persuasion either don’t want to spend the money on booze, aren’t old enough to buy booze, or have such high tolerances that they need to inject themselves with the liquid inside of Magic 8 Balls just to feel something.
On the streets, they call it “Shootin’ Dome.”
Really, while you can easily find perfectly good liquor or questionably prescribed pain medications for you take enough of to forget your inevitable mortality, a lot of people of certain white trash persuasion are eagerly looking for items you can legally purchase that randomly will get you high or in an otherwise altered state. Much like the first man to eat a tomato when the world thought it was poisonous, adventurous white trash souls look around at random items they can purchase in a gas station or a Bed, Bath and Beyond and think to themselves, “Huh, I wonder what would happen if I smoked this.” See a string of carpet abandoned in a dumpster? Smoke it, maybe the glue will get high. See a vat of tar sitting by some road workers? Huff that shit, maybe you’ll see Jesus. Spot one of those house plants with the big leafs that look like elephant ears? Holy shit, do not eat that, you will die.
It is possible to do stupid things that can still be considered American. That’s why we are here to present you with…
The Strangest Ways Americans Get High (Legally)
DISCLAIMER: Some of the products listed below can have harmful, possibly fatal side effects. They are dangerous, damaging, and make you look cool. You know who else was cool? Elvis. And you know what happened to him? He DIED. He slept with hundreds of beautiful women and then he died. To be honest, we’re not the best at writing disclaimers.
“Well if the cocaine and heroin doesn’t work, let’s take a step back and give you some booze.”
~Jesus, Doc, you’re gonna make me get all weepy here. You’re the best, man.
As we’ve stated on several occasions, medicine in the late 19th century and early 20th century was basically one extended game of “I bet you I can get this guy to stick this in his mouth.” And even then, mouth if you were lucky. American doctors back then treated the flu the same way European Immigrants treat a rave- they pop in some ecstasy cut with battery acid, put in a pacifier to stop them from grinding their teeth, and rub up against velvet walls for a while. Plus, everyone in the medicine field looked like this.
Don’t let that beautiful mustache fool you, this kid was twelve years old. He’s like an olde tyme Doogie Howser. Goddamn it this era was awesome. Doctors tried to fix people the same way blind people try to fix cars- with awkward groping and a surprising amount of jammed fingers. Medicine was just as insane, since even if you excluded all the straight up hard drugs, most medicine looked like it should be drunk from a paper bag by the homeless person on your bus.
In fact, most of it looks…well, looks like something you’d take to suddenly turn into to homeless person on a bus. Either way, we’re here to salute this phenomenon by showing you even more deliciously deadly medications from the late 19th and early 20th centuries.
We don’t know what any of those words mean, but we’re pretty sure it’s all Latin for “straight up poison.”
“Would you like the cocaine, or the opium?”
~God, Doc, you…you just GET it, man
As AFFotD has previously established through meticulous research, the early 20th century and late 19th century were ridiculous, especially when it came down to dangerous drugs that were legally available as “Medicine.” Physicians back then treated medicinal treatments the same way a ten year old boy treats a make-your-own stir-fry buffet: Just throw every ridiculous thing you can find in there and hope something appetizing comes out the other end. The most common diagnosis back then was, “*shrug* probably?” Doctors in the 19th century hated their patients so much that when they were told, “Hey, maybe wash your hands before performing surgery on people?” they responded with a resounding, “Fuck you.” Seriously.
Being sick in the 19th and early 20th century was like being the black person in a horror film. There’s not much of a chance that you’re making it out alive. And speaking of horror films, most of the medical instruments back then looked like they’re from scenes of Nightmare on Elm Street that were cut out of the film because they were too terrifying.
“…It’s like…Robot Satan’s dick…”
Now, despite the high rate of hospital mortalities and genital mutilation (we can only assume), Olde Tyme Doctors did have one thing going for them. A willingness to use ridiculous drugs as medicine. That’s why we’re here to show you even more awesomely terrible medicinal ideas from America’s past.
Posted in Drugs and Medicine
Tagged America, Ayer's Cherry Pectoral, Drugs, Hannibal, Heroin, Lewis Carroll, Medicine, Morphine, Mrs. Winslow's Soothing Syrup, Mryh, Quaaludes, Ray Liotta, Robot Satan, The Best Doctor Ever, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, Wolcott's Pain Annihilator
“Ah, I see you have a nail in your foot. Some heroin will cure that right up.”
~Like, just the best doctor ever, you guys, circa 1898
As a rule, the non-crazy members of American society don’t really question what doctors tell us to put in our body, unless the words “Hamster” and “Suppository” are involved. Got a rusty ticker? Swallow this white chalky square. Sinus infection? Rub some of this nasty smelling ointment on your chest. You just can’t make the jump from “Utility role player” and “Star slugger” on your professional baseball team? Just let this guy inject some “Vitamin B12” into your ass cheeks. It’s called plausible deniability, in case Congress ever asks.
But despite all the weird things we’ll just cram into our bodies without a second of hesitation (“Lupidemitrexeral? Why, I almost named my daughter that!”) the American pharmaceutical industry spends billions of dollars on development and research to make sure that their medicine won’t turn you into some sort of pig lizard. And once they hit that perfect, non-mutation-forming treatment of medical ailments, they’ll do us the favor of charging us out the ass for it. But we can’t fault them for that, hell we’ll applaud them for finding a way to make big bucks even when times are bad by feeding off our addiction to “living.” Prescription drugs can cost the arm and leg they were meant to treat because they work, and they work better than anything else at our disposal. Otherwise, those thousands of rabbits and rats died in those laboratories for nothing.
However, in America, things used to be a bit less “controlled” with “procedures in place to make sure you don’t take mercury for medicinal purposes.” Which was bad for sick people, but absolutely amazing for people who like to laugh at the mistakes of past generations. Because, come on, are you serious late 19th Century/early 20th Century!?
Damn, 15 cents? Who’s THEIR dealer?
Posted in America's Greatest Fun Facts, Drugs and Medicine
Tagged Alcohol, America, Charlie Sheen, Chloroform, cigarettes, Coca Wine, Cocaine, Doctors, Drugs, Heroin, Medicine, Pabst, Robert Downey Jr.