Tag Archives: Cocaine

Dan Bilzerian Is An Attention-Whoring Douchebag

“Fuck this guy.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt

We usually don’t weigh in with opinion pieces here at America Fun Fact of the Day.  Life’s too short for handwringing and #thinkpieces, and it is infinitely shorter when you drink and eat the way our staffers do.  But, every once in a while we might notice a trend that we feel has to be put to a stop, and it’s during times like those that our Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt, steps out from the shadows to address important issues.  And today, he is going to do just that regarding the internet’s love affair with Dan Bilzerian.

For those of you who do not know who Dan Bilzerian is, he is a poker player whose primary occupation now is to be a social media personality.  He was born into money, with a father who was a successful corporate raider before going to jail for securities and tax law violations, and has about 12 million followers on Instagram, where he (somewhat) famously posts pictures of him living a lavish playboy lifestyle.  Every image has either naked beautiful women, guns, money, fancy cars and jets, or any combination of those ingredients.  He is, and we cannot stress this enough, is an entitled toolbag, and the fact that so many bottle service douchebags rush over to extol how he is “living the dream” is distressing, stupid, and wrong.

And so, with that being said, here is Johnny’s take on the so-called “King of Instagram.”

Dan Bilzerian Is An Attention-Whoring Douchebag

By Johnny Roosevelt

look at this fucking tool

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The Worst Coca-Cola Products in the World

“This is by far the worst idea you’ve had, and you used to put cocaine in your drink and try to sell it to kids.”

~Coca-Cola Product Consultants Shortly Before Being Shouted Down

daft punk coke

Coca-Cola holds an important place in America’s heart, and its economy.  Ever since their humble beginnings as a non-alcoholic version of the poorly named John Pemberton’s French Wine Cola nerve tonic in Atlanta in 1886, originally-addictive-as-shit and still-technically-addictive beverage has grown to become the most valuable brand in the world, raking in over 45 billion dollars a year, with the power to do anything they want, from brushing aside antitrust legislation proposed by Pepsi to allegedly getting Colombian union leaders assassinated.  The point being, Coca-Cola is an ingrained cultural and economic powerhouse, with dozens, if not hundreds, of brands and varieties across America and the globe.

Naturally, a very large part of Coca-Cola’s whole “made enough money in 2014 to surpass the GDP of 83 different countries” popularity comes from the fact that they make a delicious, American product.  Coca-Cola is wonderful, and anyone who says otherwise is a Pepsi executive who contractually has to say that he hates Coke, even though we all know that Coke and Pepsi are the most interchangeable beverages imaginable.  The taste preference in Cola brands generally falls between “the sweet one” and “the slightly sweeter one” with a handful of outliers saying, “I prefer the organic cola from Whole Foods because ouch stop that why are you flicking my ear that’s extremely annoying okay you know what you clearly don’t want a dialogue so I’ll just leave, you assholes.”  But, Coke came first, and Coke is the world leader, and even if we might prefer the slightly sweeter one, Coca-Cola can do no wrong.

Well, okay that’s not true.  They can do a lot of wrong.  The following is wrong.

The Worst Coca-Cola Products in the World

guys come on this garlic coke thing is a scam

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Spicer Breeden Did All Your Cocaine

“This is the best cocaine ever, I am a fucking BEAST!”

~Spicer Breeden

 

America has a complex relationship with tragedy.  Everyone likes The Shawshank Redemption, but on it’s opening weekend more people went to see The Little Rascals and The Mask.  We know Shakespeare’s greatest plays were tragedies, but we don’t give a shit because, come on, plays?  We laugh when we see a full grown man get smashed in the groin with a baseball bat, but get pissed off when our lame friend gets all worried and asks, “Is he gonna be able to have kids again?” Tragedy makes us uncomfortable, especially in instances where we see two American flames flicker and extinguish.  We love to highlight all that is American, but we prefer to shield ourselves from the tragedy of Americans.

That is, unless a mountain of cocaine is involved, and then we’re all about that shit.

Fair warning, this article will be like 80% cocaine jokes and 20% glossing over the tragedy of a hit and run death

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Ridiculous Drugs That Were Once Medicine: Part One

“Ah, I see you have a nail in your foot.  Some heroin will cure that right up.”

~Like, just the best doctor ever, you guys, circa 1898

As a rule, the non-crazy members of American society don’t really question what doctors tell us to put in our body, unless the words “Hamster” and “Suppository” are involved.  Got a rusty ticker?  Swallow this white chalky square.  Sinus infection?  Rub some of this nasty smelling ointment on your chest.  You just can’t make the jump from “Utility role player” and “Star slugger” on your professional baseball team?  Just let this guy inject some “Vitamin B12” into your ass cheeks.  It’s called plausible deniability, in case Congress ever asks.

But despite all the weird things we’ll just cram into our bodies without a second of hesitation (“Lupidemitrexeral?  Why, I almost named my daughter that!”) the American pharmaceutical industry spends billions of dollars on development and research to make sure that their medicine won’t turn you into some sort of pig lizard.  And once they hit that perfect, non-mutation-forming treatment of medical ailments, they’ll do us the favor of charging us out the ass for it.  But we can’t fault them for that, hell we’ll applaud them for finding a way to make big bucks even when times are bad by feeding off our addiction to “living.”  Prescription drugs can cost the arm and leg they were meant to treat because they work, and they work better than anything else at our disposal.  Otherwise, those thousands of rabbits and rats died in those laboratories for nothing.

However, in America, things used to be a bit less “controlled” with “procedures in place to make sure you don’t take mercury for medicinal purposes.”  Which was bad for sick people, but absolutely amazing for people who like to laugh at the mistakes of past generations.  Because, come on, are you serious late 19th Century/early 20th Century!?

Damn, 15 cents?  Who’s THEIR dealer?

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Hey, You Guys Hear About That Charlie Sheen Guy? We Know, Crazy, Right?

“Damn, this guy is GOOD…”

~Mel Gibson

AFFotD tries its best to stay topical.  We addressed the world to the dangers of blizzards just as the Midwest and the East Coast were being buried in ten foot snow drifts, while at the same time introducing the newest trendy bar beverage (Hot Bo-Co) that, we swear, is like two weeks from taking off.  We re-introduced the world to Teddy Roosevelt because he’s always relevant.  We talked about chewing gum, which is good for after you drink to the point of puking.  But today, AFFotD is going to try to go really recent, and rehash the conversations you had with all your coworkers yesterday.  That’s right, we’re going to celebrate the unique brand of American insanity that can only be seen in certain American celebrities.  And not just any celebrity, today AFFotD celebrates and documents the deconstruction of a man so thoroughly nuts he may go down as the craziest man in the history of Hollywood.  And we couldn’t be any prouder of him.  Take a bow, Charlie Sheen.

You’ve come a long way, kid

 There’s no need to chronicle the life and career of Charlie “Oh yeah, he did a couple good comedies in the 1990’s and then he started doing that shitty show” Sheen.  In fact, after his peak (Major League II/Hotshots) Sheen’s been seeing his America stock oscillate, but fall steadily.  He married the naked chick from Wild Things, but wasn’t able to hold onto her, and he diluted all American respect we can afford the man’s career by doing eight years of truly awful slop for Two and a Half Men, somehow becoming the highest paid actor on television, something so offensive to us that Kiefer Sutherland almost quit the AFFotD staff out of protest.  Because seriously, fuck that show.

And yet the very same people who are watching this are insisting that waterboarding is torture.

 While we cannot say that Charlie Sheen and his “Holy shit, you can tell where they tried to airbrush away the crazy in the above picture” career distinguishes him to be a true American, we can at least relish in America’s ability to create such a glorious example of insanity, vanity, and, just, like so many drugs, you guys.  A man who his both crazier and less qualified to run a youth hockey league team than his brother, Emilio Estevez, yet is somehow far more rich and famous.

So let’s go through the fame, fortune, drugs, and crazy that is Charlie Sheen, an insane abomination America molded so the rest of us could all have a nice laugh at the man’s expense.

Warning:  If you are pregnant, nursing, have a heart condition, are allergic to penicillin, or once had a really bad LSD trip that you sometimes still have nightmares about, you may want to do yourself a favor and skip to the picture of the puppies at the end of this article.  Go ahead, we won’t hold it against you.

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