“Fuck this guy.”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt
We usually don’t weigh in with opinion pieces here at America Fun Fact of the Day. Life’s too short for handwringing and #thinkpieces, and it is infinitely shorter when you drink and eat the way our staffers do. But, every once in a while we might notice a trend that we feel has to be put to a stop, and it’s during times like those that our Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt, steps out from the shadows to address important issues. And today, he is going to do just that regarding the internet’s love affair with Dan Bilzerian.
For those of you who do not know who Dan Bilzerian is, he is a poker player whose primary occupation now is to be a social media personality. He was born into money, with a father who was a successful corporate raider before going to jail for securities and tax law violations, and has about 12 million followers on Instagram, where he (somewhat) famously posts pictures of him living a lavish playboy lifestyle. Every image has either naked beautiful women, guns, money, fancy cars and jets, or any combination of those ingredients. He is, and we cannot stress this enough, is an entitled toolbag, and the fact that so many bottle service douchebags rush over to extol how he is “living the dream” is distressing, stupid, and wrong.
And so, with that being said, here is Johnny’s take on the so-called “King of Instagram.”
Dan Bilzerian Is An Attention-Whoring Douchebag
By Johnny Roosevelt
I am watching a movie. It is called The Equalizer. I vaguely remember it coming out last year, and it is one of those movies that made $100 million, but was immediately forgotten by greater pop culture. It’s actually very enjoyable. It involves Denzel Washington killing bad guys, who are over-the-top in their badness so you actively root for their demise. About 107 minutes into it, a henchmen is hunting for Denzel in a blacked out Home Depot knock-off store. He is buff, he is holding a large automatic rifle, and he has a coarse, steel-wool-like beard. He has not said a single word. Dramatic piano music plays. From on high, Denzel throws down a noose made of barbed wire, and tosses down a bag of concrete the other end is attached to. The bearded henchman is lifted into the air, kicking wildly. In the glimpse I see of his face, I feel he looks familiar. IMDB confirms, this is Dan Bilzerian, a man who I still have to Google to ensure his name is correct. I see his legs flail furtively and I think to myself, good. Fuck that guy.
The scene cuts to Denzel staring the man in his face as he bleeds out the mouth. It lingers on him far longer than the death of henchmen who, to this point, has done nothing but exist and carry a gun deserves. I am relatively certain that Dan Bilzerian paid to ensure he get this extra screen time. “If I’m gonna get killed by Denzel,” I imagine him saying, “Then I want it to be memorable.” It is not. Dan Bilzerian is a clown, and everyone who props him up as a false idol is a clown for doing so.
Here are some factual statements about Dan Bilzerian. He claims to be worth $100 million. He plays poker professionally, though the best he’s ever done in the World Series of Poker Main Event was a 180th finish, which won him $30,000. He owns an online poker room, and he gambles frequently.
He was, according to himself, “almost” a Navy SEAL, which you are allowed to cough the word “bullshit” into your fist when you hear that. He claims he was “admin dropped for no real good reason” while he also has inferred that he was removed for arguing with an officer. Officially, he got kicked out on his third try to get through the program for a safety violation on the shooting range.
When he was 25 he went on a coke and prostitute binge that resulted in two heart attacks. He tells this as if to say, “It was a stupid and reckless thing that I did. Aren’t you jealous of me?” We are not—anyone with a trust fund and a lack of scruples can almost kill themselves on a coke binge, and hiring a prostitute doesn’t require any particular charm other than having money and not being a serial killer.
He has been Instagram famous since about 2013, at which point he also started trying to get himself in films as an actor by loaning $1 million to the film Lone Survivor in exchange for playing a Navy SEAL named Healy. He wanted eight minutes of screen time and 80 words of dialogue. When his role was cut to less than a minute, and one line, he sued the film for $1.2 million. Other roles have included “Handsome Man at Bar (uncredited)” in The Other Woman and, of course, “Teddy’s Guy” in The Equalizer.
I wish there were more graphic stills of his death scene online, but this will have to do.
Here are some other things Dan Bilzerian has done recently. In 2014, he threw an 18-year-old porn actress off the roof of his house for a Hustler photoshoot, which broke her foot, and then refused to pay her $85,000 for her injuries. She has since sued him, and he had his lawyer respond in an impressively assholish way. That year also saw him banned from a Miami nightclub for kicking a model in the face during a bar fight, which he has also been sued for. He was also arrested at the end of last year at the Los Angeles International Airport for bomb-making charges. And in 2015, he filed a defamation suit against the website TheDirty.com for an article that included a comment from a woman claiming to have gotten chlamydia from Bilzerian. We are not here to say if Dan Bilzerian has an STD, or all the STDs, or (as he claims) none of the STDs, but it’s worth nothing that his mere existence in the pop culture zeitgeist has more in common with Herpes than anything constructive and good.
He currently lives (or rather, advertises) a life designed to make the kind of people who say, “Bro!” in fact say, “Bro!” as soon as they see a picture of him lighting a cigar for a naked knockout with a sultry bikini clad woman on his shoulders. Naturally there are two other topless women with pasties and naval hats, and one woman in a blue dress inadvertently winking, because this is fucking Dan Bilzerian, bro. Brooooo. You are supposed to believe this is his life. He goes out, and naked women feel compelled to drape themselves over him, stroking his beard, touching his barrel chest as the camera makes a point to ignore his chopstick-thin legs that we only point out because you know he has spent his whole life among people who go to the gym and espouse the importance of “leg day” while he spends all his time doing bicep curls while whispering sweet nothings to himself in the mirror. He is the spirit animal for every douchebag that sees a hot girl on a date and says “ditch the loser” as well as the loser who gets ditched and posts immediately on his Facebook to say “girls don’t deserve me, they only like jerks.”
Dan Bilzerian lists his height as 5 feet, 9 “and a half” inches, which you might recognize as the way that children under 8 describe their age, and men with penises smaller than 5 inches measure their manhood. He is exactly as tall as me, but I describe it as “5 foot 10” because most adults round up, but also because if you say you’re “5 foot 9 and a half” you’re probably 5’7”. If he ever found out where I lived, he’d say he’d beat me up, and he’d absolutely be able to, but he wouldn’t throw a punch because his legal counsel previously warned him not to put himself in a position where someone files another police report on him. At least this time he’d be hitting a man. He could turn my face into mush if he so wanted, but instead would likely threaten to sue me for slander, not realizing that libel is what you call it when it’s in print. This is a man who has too much money to really be hurt by anything I write here, but who is clearly insecure enough that these words would bite into him like a knife, because who else sets up cell phone photo shoots with strippers in order to give himself the moniker of “King of Instagram”?
If this article were somehow to reach his eyes, to get past his highly paid team of assistants, managers, and sycophantic salaried mouth breathers, I know how he would respond. He would say, with some passable level of breathy feigned vocabulary, “Well who the fuck are you?” He would say that he’s never heard of me and I have heard of him, as if this is indicative of inherent value. He will toss out numbers, definitely the amount of people who follow him on Instagram, he would (correctly) claim that he has 1.25 million twitter followers, and our humble website has less than 100, and he will conflate popularity with meaning. More people know who Hitler is than Chaucer, Mr. Bilzerian, so kindly fuck off with your meticulously framed expressions of faux machismo that are only really celebrated by insecure frat boys whose measure women’s worth on a scale of 10.
Dan Bilzerian is 34 years old, and to say he is living like he is in his 20s is a disservice to 20-year-olds, and an irresponsible minimization of the inherent hollow sadness that is his life. If you said to his face, “Your life is shallow and sad,” he would puff out his chest, give you a shove, and say, “Look at this picture of me cuddling this naked woman. She is posing for the camera, I’m attributing her Instagram account which itself has 300,000 followers, she is hot and models for Playboy, and you will never see her on this feed again. I’m doing just fine. I’m doing fine. I’M DOING FINE.” He will stare at you, shaking. There is a burst blood vessel in his eye. The loneliest people are those who have crafted a career around making sure the world knows they are never alone.
Dan Bilzerian is a man whose name I have never actually said out loud, to the point that you could read this sentence back to me without me realizing you were quoting something I wrote. Dan Bilzerian is a “venture capitalist” but I honestly think he has as much of an idea of what that means as I do. If this were 1972, he’d be in plastics, if this were 1997 he’d be a “webmaster” and now, he’s the kind of man who tweets “I don’t really drink, I just fuck a lot” to get a hearty thumbs up and a “same here bud!” response from strangers who list themselves as Online Marketing Entrepreneurs, the kind of people who tweet social media information, imploring you to #addme for #onlinemarketing, and who feel the need to tell an internet millionaire “I too fuck many women without drinking alcohol.” The people who follow and earnestly reply to Dan Bilzerian’s social media presence are to 2015 what a coked-out wall street broker was to 1988, and Dan Bilzerian, a man who spends hours setting up the perfect shot of two topless blond women in bow ties and G-strings cutting his hair with his fingers juuuuuust covering the nipples, is their hero. “Yeah, Dan!” someone actually thought to himself on July 3rd this year as soon as he saw newfound words of wisdom from his idol. “We be entering vaginas, right bud? We are friends.”
They are not friends.
Dan Bilzerian is no one’s friend. He posts a picture of a woman in a pool on an inflatable swan, covering her breasts with one, and he says, “She can’t swim, but her tits are real, and today was nice.” In lieu of a period, he posts an emoji of a camera. The girl is 22, 5 foot 9 (so, realistically, taller than Bilzerian), and probably weighs 105 pounds soaking wet. She is, by most conventional definitions, a beautiful woman. She was Playboy’s Cyber Girl of the Year, if that is the kind of thing that holds merit for you. Bilzerian seems to mine the Playmate well extensively for his nearly-nude meticulously composed “candids” which, I guess, makes sense. I don’t think Dan Bilzerian paid this woman to be in his picture, but only because I’m sure it was framed as “a way to get exposure to 12 million followers.”
Over 11,000 people have left comments on this picture, which is enough of a saturation point where you’d like to think most would stifle their opinions, thinking, “well, no point in me adding another comment here, no one will read it.” Dan Bilzerian’s fans, his “boys”, are more than eager to offer their two cents. “That pussys more weathered then tbay roads,” says nofilla25, using all the [sic]s and who would never be able to hold a one minute conversation with this model if he won a date with her for a charity auction. Connorwilliamson74 whose only picture is either him (oh God hopefully not) or his son on a bumper car simply says “sexy”, in case you were wondering how a male should consider a topless Playboy model. “Cool story, bro,” Dan Bilzerian would never say in response, because he got half a million likes on his picture and that’s really all that matters for him. This does not make us look good, this makes us look like tit-hungry fame-chasers.
“Dan Bilzerian is my hero,” you will hear from a very specific subset of the population. They are male, in their 20s, and misogynistic. They refer to women as “bitch” and “slut” and feel compelled to slug you in the shoulder and say, “Bro, that chick is so hot” every single time he sees a woman younger than 40 in a relatively decent shape. When they close their eyes at night and dream about what they want in life, they see piles of naked, beautiful models, garages stocked with sleek, foreign cars, and enough money that they can just spend their days partying and their nights getting all kinds of laid. Dan Bilzerian offers them a glimpse into this existence. He is their pied piper, their Moses, he is leading them into The Good Life, and they live vicariously through his meticulously crafted and filtered images that were framed and taken after careful consideration. “Dan,” I imagine his professional photographer on staff saying, “Can you try covering Cindi’s nipple with three fingers instead of two? I want to see if that comes through better. And just move your handgun an inch to the left. And Deneese, can you pop your left breast out of your dress? Don’t worry, we’ll add a black bar over it before we post it. Perfect, great.”
This is fantasy, and the fantasy is dangerous, because the existence of Dan Bilzerian, “Instagram’s Playboy King” has no substance. He wants to be our generation’s Great Gatsby, but Gatsby died alone, face down in the swimming pool of his mansion filled with unopened books. Dan Bilzerian is a self-important doofus. He needs to fuck right off. Fuck this man and everyone who feels compelled to defend him. America has enough actual heroes that we shouldn’t prop up some self-aggrandizing millionaire with daddy issues because he’s adept at shouting, “LOOK AT THESE TITS” to whoever wants to listen. Dan Bilzerian is an attention-whoring douchebag, and he needs to go away.
Thank you, and God bless America.