“Fuck this guy.”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt
We usually don’t weigh in with opinion pieces here at America Fun Fact of the Day. Life’s too short for handwringing and #thinkpieces, and it is infinitely shorter when you drink and eat the way our staffers do.
But, every once in a while we might notice a trend that we feel has to be put to a stop, and it’s during times like those that our Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt, steps out from the shadows to address important issues. And today, he is going to do just that regarding the internet’s love affair with Dan Bilzerian.
For those of you who do not know who Dan Bilzerian is, he is a poker player whose primary occupation now is to be a social media personality.
He was born into money, with a father who was a successful corporate raider before he went to jail for securities and tax law violations. He has about 32 million followers on Instagram (handle your shit, America) where he (somewhat) famously posts pictures of him living a lavish playboy lifestyle. Every image has either naked beautiful women, guns, money, fancy cars and jets, or any combination of those ingredients.
He is, and we cannot stress this enough, is an entitled toolbag, and the fact that so many bottle service douchebags rush over to extol how he is “living the dream” is distressing, stupid, and wrong.
And so, with that being said, here is Johnny’s take on the so-called “King of Instagram.”
Dan Bilzerian Is An Attention-Whoring Douchebag
By Johnny Roosevelt
“I have more money than you, and a much smaller penis.”
~The owners of the world’s most expensive yachts
It takes a certain kind of person to own a boat. Unless you’re a mountain man with a hand-fashioned canoe, boat ownership tends to require a specific combination of “disposable income”, “access to a large water mass”, and “possessing a desire to spend your time bobbing on said water mass.” That said, among those who meet these criteria, there are still a myriad of reasons that we buy boats. Some like to go fishing, or just appreciate the calmness of the sea. Still others like adventure, and use their boats to compete in thousand-league-long races, or travel the globe. Every one of these individuals feels a deep seated passion for the sea (or their nearest lake) and a sense of oneness with these bodies of water that harkens the very spirit of those who sailed across the endless ocean to find America in the first place. It’s an admirable hobby (or obsession, depending on the level of commitment).
And then, of course, there are the douchebags that buy floating mansions to flaunt their wealth. These people like to spend a few million dollars to buy a boat that they can anchor within view of the nearest beach while surrounded with bikini-clad women who are 30 years younger than them. It’s not exactly the best subset of American culture, but…well, yeah, on the scale of “positive examples of American culture” it’s right between “people who cook meth in 20-ounce plastic soda bottles” and “people who go to fancy restaurants and order a bottle of ‘ka-ber-net sah-vig-none’ unironically.”
Pictured above: could be either group, actually
Thankfully, America tends to stay out of the “trying to prove that you’re totally not impotent by making the largest, most expensive yacht in the nation” race (with one exception) but some people (cough, Saudi princes and Russian billionaires) can’t seem to be satisfied with a measly ten million dollar yacht requiring a permanent crew. So we decided to pool together a semi-definitive list of the most expensive boats to ever grace our oceans (God, we hope they’re at least going on the ocean. A giant multi-million dollar taking up an entire lake seems like the ultimate “fuck you” to poor people). It’s free to look, because you’ll never be able to afford a single one of them.
The World’s Most Expensive Yachts
Posted in Insulting Foreigners, Strange America, The Rest of Them
Tagged a, Al Mirqab, Al Said, Alisher Usmanov, America, Azzam, bikini clad women, Billionaires, Boats, David Geffen, Dilbar, Douchebags, Eclipse, Lady Moura, Larry Ellison, Most Expensive Yachts, Nasser al Rasheed, Oman, Pelorus, Prince Abdulaziz, Qatar, Rising Sun, Roman Abramovich, Russians, Saudi Princes, Yachts