Category Archives: Insulting Foreigners

Because apparently things happen to countries that aren’t America, and we occasionally write about them. Doesn’t mean we have to like it, though sometimes we do begrudgingly offer our approval. Only sometimes though. Goddamn it, Japan, you’re doing it wrong!

The Definitive Ranking of Every Ted Lasso Character

 “Be Curious. Not Judgmental.”

~Ted Lasso

Apple_TV_Ted_Lasso_key_art_sh_cr

So a little known fact about 2020 is that, apparently, for a lot of people it was not great! Yeah, color us surprised, our staff spent the whole year on a private island (after 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine why are you all mad?) so it was news to us.

But in a, let’s say, “down year”, one of the universally acknowledged high points of 2020 was the release of Ted Lasso, the Golden Globe-winning comedy that was the primary reason you either got Apple TV+ or figured out how to pirate tv shows.

If you haven’t seen it, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING THIS PAST YEAR THIS SHOW IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEEDED!?!?!? But we’ll pretend you’re a hypothetical reader unaware of this delightful show. Starring Jason Sudeikis, Ted Lasso had no reason to be as good as it is. It was based off an NBC Sports ad made seven years ago, which is basically like turning an SNL sketch into a movie (which usually does not go well) and making it six times as long.

Yet, with an impressive creative team behind it, including Scrubs creator Bill Lawrence, it somehow ended up the EXACT show we needed for this past year. It’s heartwarming, sincere, charming and kind, without any cynicism or irony. Even the bad guys in the show find a way to make you root for them (well, except for a few).

All of this is to say, we have decided to celebrate the release of the official season two teaser trailer. by spending dozens of hours on research and writing 5,000 words to arbitrarily rank every single character from Season 1 of Ted Lasso.

Now, you might be disappointed with some choices in this list, but there’s no way you’ll be actively upset, because Ted Lasso is the rare show that, in a single short season (so far) (it’s locked in to end after Season 3), has already established a good 20 characters you’d take a bullet for. So with that in mind, let’s get this underway.

Every Ted Lasso Character, Ranked

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Let’s Talk About Why Ewan McGregor Hasn’t Been Nominated for an Oscar Yet

“Is there a ’37 Dresses, but with Oscars’ joke to make here, or is that an obscure reference even for us?”

~Our Research Staff

Ewan-McGregor

Here’s a sentence you didn’t expect to read today. Let’s talk about Ewan McGregor.

Specifically, Ewan McGregor’s ability to star in, and anchor, both blockbuster films as well as critical darlings, without putting enough attention on himself to warrant award recognition.

Consider this. The 49-year-old British actor’s first onscreen appearance was 28 years ago. In that time, he has 91 credits to his name, won a Golden Globe for his work on Fargo‘s third season, and has two additional Golden Globe nomination alongside three Emmy nominations.

But he’s never once been nominated for an Academy Award.

For 99% of actors, this is not exactly surprising. There are plenty of actors who are household names, with plenty of credits, who have never even sniffed award season. But give us a moment to call bullshit.

How Has Ewan McGregor Not Gotten an Oscar Nomination?

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Let’s Give Thanks That America Does Thanksgiving Better Than Canada

“Did your staff members ever went to a Canadian Thanksgiving, and can you tell me how much better an American Thanksgiving is?”

~AFFotD Reader “Harge.” We copy and pasted that directly from the email he sent us.

Canadian Thanksgiving Table Spread

2020 is a weird year for Thanksgiving for some reason. But now’s not the time to think about the fact that we’re going to have one Thanksgiving that might be a bit quieter and definitely a lot more virtual than we’re used to. It’s time to give thanks that Thanksgiving in general is awesome in America, while we dunk on Canada’s cheap-ass imitation of our glorious holiday.

Let’s Make Fun of Canada’s Thanksgiving, Shall We?

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British Sandwiches, Ranked From Best to Worst

“Oh God, we have to talk about British food again?”

~AFFotD’s Resident Food Critic

food spread

We all know the stereotypes about the English when it comes to food. British food is bland, boring, weird, bad, and their teeth are snaggled as fuck. Granted, the teeth thing has nothing to do with their cuisine, but any time you have the opportunity to make a British dentistry joke, you make it, ‘cause that country’s got some broke-ass grills.

Now, it’s never good to encourage or propagate stereotypes…except for the fact that, as we’ve previously established, British food absolutely adheres to these stereotypes.

That isn’t to say that all British food is bad, or that they haven’t contributed some important culinary traditions to America. On the contrary, they’re responsible for one of the best portable meal options that Americans have at their disposal—the sandwich.

Yes, referred to by some as the Britain’s most noteworthy creation, Americans have the English to thank for all their best bread-laden treats. Jimmy Johns, Jersey Mikes, yes, even Subway for those among us lost their taste buds in a fireworks accident, none of these lunch and sometimes sad, lonely dinner options would be available to us if not for the motherland to our east.

Truly, the existence of sandwiches (for America to, naturally, improve upon) is a gift, and to return the favor, we are here to list an extensive list of British sandwiches, ranked from their best offerings to their saddest, most pathetic. Because if we wanted to write an article just about good British food, well, that article would have to be real fucking short, wouldn’t it?

British Sandwiches, Ranked From Best to Worst

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The Weirdest Official National Animals in the World: Embarrassing Animal Selections

“And our national song is ‘Self-Esteem’ by The Offspring”

~Most of the Countries Listed

otter

For the last few weeks, we’ve talked about nations throughout the world whose national animals were a bit lacking. Mostly they were lacking in actual permeance, as none of are “things” that “really exist” yet they somehow are “national animals” for “some reasons” and “we can’t stop doing this quotation mark gimmick we’re so sorry.”

But our research did more than just tell us that a whole bunch of countries had no idea what lions looked lack back in the day. It also clued us in on the fact that a lot of countries don’t really realize that a national animal is there to represent the country. Or, they realized that, and they have a very low opinion of their own countries. Here are some of the more depressing animals that some nations looked at and said, “Oh yeah, that’s us to a T.”

The Weirdest Official National Animals in the World: Embarrassing Animal Selections

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The Weirdest Official National Animals in the World: Mythical Creatures Edition (Part 2)

“Heh. COCK of Barcelos.”

~Our Giggling Copy Editor

uk emblem

Last week, we wrote an article that basically centered on the premise of “a lot of countries have silly or unusual national animals, and a bunch of these national animals don’t even exist, let’s make fun of them.” We held ourselves to one penis joke (heh, phrasing) and we can assure you we will not be so restrained this time around. Here are more of…

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The Weirdest Official National Animals in the World: Mythical Creatures Edition (Part 1)

“What…Am…I?”

~The National Animal of Bhutan

emblem

If you’re an independent nation, there’s a good chance you have a national animal of some sort. In fact, of all the official countries in the world, almost ¾ of them do. We don’t have a really good reason why that’s the case.

]In fact it’s kind of weird that a bunch of countries randomly decided to give themselves mascots without anyone questioning as to…what’s the point? We’re sure some country started doing it like thousands of years ago (honestly, probably China?) and a few other independently decided to go the same route, and eventually most countries just got peer pressured into it, but it’s kind of weird that we take national animals as just like, a normal thing for countries to have.

Now America has a few national animals, and we’re not alone in being countries that double down. Naturally we have the bald eagle, but did you know that we also named the American bison our “national mammal”?

Yeah that’s right, we have a national mammal. Now, that’s only been the case since it was signed into law in 2016, but still, we do now have two animals. And that being said, neither of these options are bad. Bald eagles are badass, and look badass, while bison have long played a historically significant role in many cultures throughout American history.

But as you might surmise, not every country can really lock in a good national animal like America. In fact, a lot of countries are represented by animals that are not only weird, they straight up don’t fucking exist. And not a single one of these fake animals is a warthog in an army uniform firing a bazooka, which is what we would have come up with if asked to make up a mythical creature to represent America.

You know the deal at this point. We found out that some countries are weird about an arbitrary thing, and we’re going to tell you all about the weirdness. And folks? There are a lot of official animals that straight up do not exist. So many that we’re going to split this sucker into two articles. Keep in mind, most of these creatures were invented about 300 years before we as a species really started getting good at “imagination” and it shows.

The Weirdest Official National Animals in the World: Mythical Creatures Edition (Part 1)

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Goddamn It, Japan, You’re Doing It Wrong: Shakey’s Pizza

“Wait how could it be worse than The Pizza Little Party Pizzeria? Oh shit, it’s a BUFFET? Goddamn it, Japan.”

~AFFotD’s Food Critic

shakeys

Pizza is a lot like sex. When it’s good it’s REALLY good. And when Japan does it, um, you’re about to experience something definitely weird and probably unsettling.

Speaking of Japan, while it’s been a few years since we’ve had to complain about the culinary choices of Japan (especially when they attempt to serve American-style food), we do have a rich history of asking Japan what, exactly, do they think they’re doing. So naturally, it is our solemn duty to inform you of another classic American institution that’s been co-opted and warped in terrifying ways by our friends in the East. Yes, it’s pizza again. But this time…it’s Shakey’s pizza.

We literally haven’t thought about a Shakey’s pizza since that one South Park episode where Cartman makes one out of stem cells, but after seeing Japan’s version of Shakey’s, we could remain silent no longer. So let’s take a deep breath and shout to the heavens…

Goddamn It, Japan, You’re Doing It Wrong: Shakey’s Pizza

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A Brief Foray into How Other Countries Are Ruining Pizza

“Oh God, no, not pizza. Ruin ANYTHING ELSE but spare the pizza!”

~Your Taste Buds

 hawaiin pizza

We talk a lot about pizza around these parts, but can you blame us? Pizza is just about the perfect, when done right. But, as you no doubt know, it’s…not always done right. Now we get a lot of flack from St. Louis and Ohio Valley residents because of our article that (correctly) points out what their regional pizzas are (garbage) but we can at least take solace in knowing that, as a nation, we generally have our shit together.

Other countries, though? Not so much. Sure, we’ve previously talked about Pizza Hut’s crazy international menu items, and England’s hot dog crust pizza, but we’ve not really taken the moment to sit down and let you know how badly other countries are screwing up pizza.

And boy howdy, are they screwing up pizzas.

Granted, this article only lists isolated instances—a bad pizza idea from a country other than America does not mean that the country in question does not know how to make at least passable pizza otherwise. But still, when we see pizzas being ruined across the world, it’s our duty, as Americans, to point it out. You know, so we can feel superior, and also so we can say, “Well, sure, we have St. Louis-style pizza, but we’re not monsters.

Because these pizzas? Yar, there be monsters.

A Brief Foray into How Other Countries Are Ruining Pizza

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The World’s Saddest Cuisines: Estonia

“Oh…oh no.  It’s another Russia-bordering country.  This is going to be so sad.”

~AFFotD’s Resident Food Critic

estonia

We know America does food better than any other country, primarily because when other countries make good things, we just steal it ourselves and make it bigger and better. We didn’t invent pizza, but have you had pizza in Italy? Our staff has.  t’s, like, fine. America does it much better, with a few notable exceptions.  Now, there are other countries that have great food as well (Italy’s still got us beat in the pasta game , for example).

And there are countries that have bad food.  But we don’t care about any of those countries. No, we take interest in countries whose food is not just generally bad, but wholeheartedly depressing in ways that cling to your soul.  We don’t know what caused our fascination with nations whose recipe books come pre-streaked with tears, but we’re not going to stop now.

Our latest nation with food that makes us so, so sad? The small Russia-adjacent nation of Estonia.  Strap in, this is going to be a doozy.

The World’s Saddest Cuisines:  Estonia

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