“Wait how could it be worse than The Pizza Little Party Pizzeria? Oh shit, it’s a BUFFET? Goddamn it, Japan.”
~AFFotD’s Food Critic
Pizza is a lot like sex. When it’s good it’s REALLY good. And when Japan does it, um, you’re about to experience something definitely weird and probably unsettling.
Speaking of Japan, while it’s been a few years since we’ve had to complain about the culinary choices of Japan (especially when they attempt to serve American-style food), we do have a rich history of asking Japan what, exactly, do they think they’re doing. So naturally, it is our solemn duty to inform you of another classic American institution that’s been co-opted and warped in terrifying ways by our friends in the East. Yes, it’s pizza again. But this time…it’s Shakey’s pizza.
We literally haven’t thought about a Shakey’s pizza since that one South Park episode where Cartman makes one out of stem cells, but after seeing Japan’s version of Shakey’s, we could remain silent no longer. So let’s take a deep breath and shout to the heavens…
Goddamn It, Japan, You’re Doing It Wrong: Shakey’s Pizza
“Pizza pizza, you so yummy, pizza pizza, OH GOD GET IT OUT OF ME, OH GOD WHAT DID I JUST INJEST?”
~Consumers of the following pizzas
We know that other countries out there like to ruin pizza for the rest of us. Scotland’s out there making Haggis pizza, Pizza Hut’s international office is apparently being run by a chef who recently suffered a horrific brain injury, and Japanese pizza is, well, you know. Japan. When faced with the horrors of snail pizza or whatever the living fuck cream corn potato pizza is, it’s comforting to come back to America and feast on the various ways we’ve perfected the pizza pie. Sure, some parts of the nation have kind of shat the bed as far as their take on the dish, but in general, America makes a simple, hearty, delicious pizza. At least we don’t have people actively trying to ruin it for everyone else, right?
Oh, goddamn it.
Here goes nothing.
America’s Grossest Pizzas
Posted in Strange Foods
Tagged Alligator, America, bone marrow, bronx, buffalo testicle pizza, chicken and waffles, Crème Fraiche, eel pizza, frog legs, gross pizza, grossest pizza in America, horseradish, Japanese pizza, octopus salami, pastrami, pizza, Pizza Hut, python pizza, rapini, rocky mountain oysters, Spaghetti, spaghetti pizza, squid ink pizza, Sunshine State, Texas, The Simpsons, Whacking Day