“Pizza pizza, you so yummy, pizza pizza, OH GOD GET IT OUT OF ME, OH GOD WHAT DID I JUST INJEST?”
~Consumers of the following pizzas
We know that other countries out there like to ruin pizza for the rest of us. Scotland’s out there making Haggis pizza, Pizza Hut’s international office is apparently being run by a chef who recently suffered a horrific brain injury, and Japanese pizza is, well, you know. Japan. When faced with the horrors of snail pizza or whatever the living fuck cream corn potato pizza is, it’s comforting to come back to America and feast on the various ways we’ve perfected the pizza pie. Sure, some parts of the nation have kind of shat the bed as far as their take on the dish, but in general, America makes a simple, hearty, delicious pizza. At least we don’t have people actively trying to ruin it for everyone else, right?
Oh, goddamn it.
Here goes nothing.
America’s Grossest Pizzas
Posted in Strange Foods
Tagged Alligator, America, bone marrow, bronx, buffalo testicle pizza, chicken and waffles, Crème Fraiche, eel pizza, frog legs, gross pizza, grossest pizza in America, horseradish, Japanese pizza, octopus salami, pastrami, pizza, Pizza Hut, python pizza, rapini, rocky mountain oysters, Spaghetti, spaghetti pizza, squid ink pizza, Sunshine State, Texas, The Simpsons, Whacking Day
“You’re never gonna take me alive, AFFotD fuckers!”
Our undercover investigative journalist, [REDACTED] has been through a lot. We forced him to eat at a Vegan restaurant, which is the very reason why we can’t in good conscience list his name here, then after a quick apology party we got him to sign over, essentially, his soul. We made him write about cricket, and about opera, and finally, he snapped.
We didn’t hear a word from him for a week, until our specially calibrated American hunting dogs found an unusually large amount of America around the Chicagoland area. Sure enough, that’s where [REDACTED] had been hiding out. After we sent in the hounds (ha ha, don’t worry, they weren’t really hounds. They were more of a wolves/huskie hybrid) we were able to bring in [REDACTED] and get his story behind his one week spent, as he put it, “Trying to get my America back on, you cocksuckers.”
Here is his tale.
Posted in [REDACTED]
Tagged Alligator, America, Bambi, Beaches, Beer Pong, Chi-Rish, Chicago, Cricket, Deer, Green Beer, Hot Doug's, Lake Michigan, Les Miserables, Losing your Mind, Miller Lite, Opera, Redacted, Slinger, Snapping, The Who, Tommy, Traveling Billboard, Vegan, Venison