Tag Archives: Vegan

Wherein AFFotD Uses a Glib and Fluffy Metro Article as an Excuse to Rage Against Those Supposed Americans Who Do Not Consume Meat

“I’m insufferable already.”

~Metro Writer Mandy Mazliah

ground up hot dogs

Apparently, for some god awful reason, October 1st is considered World Vegetarian Day, and the month of October is Vegetarian Awareness Month, which apparently is not like Breast Cancer Awareness Month since they aren’t trying to cure vegetarians of their affliction.  Anyway, in honor of that decision to “celebrate” vegetarians right as the weather starts to get depressing (which makes sense, considering) the Metro, a UK…thing, decided to post a little fun article of “15 things that only vegetarians understand.”

Now, we have a long-standing history of not liking vegetarians, and vegetarians have a long-standing history of really not liking us, and we’re juuuust fine with that arrangement.  We’re firmly in belief that the best things in America involve killing a creature unfortunate enough to have been born beneath us on the food chain, and if Buddhism turns out to be the one true religion, those animals were probably massive dicks in past lives anyway.  You can show us all the horrific videos of animal slaughter you want, we don’t give a shit.  Meat is delicious, and we don’t want to be hyperbolic about it so we’ll just say “every single vegetarian deserves to have their houses set on fire” and leave it at that.  Some of you bleeding hearts out there might say, “Jesus Christ, that’s such a hateful overreaction” and it totally is, but it’s warranted, because despite the fact that it touches on our day-to-day lives in roughly zero ways, we view being openly vegetarian about as negatively as being openly communist.

That’s right.  If you are a vegetarian and you somehow got through our firewall intended to only let meat eaters through and as such are now reading this, well, you are a communist.

Anyway, let’s go through the points made in this article.

Wherein AFFotD Uses a Glib and Fluffy Metro Article as an Excuse to Rage Against Those Supposed Americans Who Do Not Consume Meat

 vegetarians in motion

Picture selected entirely because it kind of looks like he’s holding a massive orange dick.

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Wherein AFFotD Screams “Are You Fucking Kidding Me, They’re BUGS” With Righteous Frustration Towards the Fiends at the Mother Nature Network

“The Vegans are coming, the vegans are coming!”

~AFFotD Office Sentries

bugs

Hi.  This might seem like an extreme non-sequitur, but vegans kind of hate us, largely because we loathe vegans.  We say “meat is the best part of living, ergo, vegans are zombies, and we must destroy their brains” and they flock to our site to say “You are a total ignoramus!  Feel sorry for you!  Enjoy your rectal cancer ugly people” because that’s an actual comment left on this website by someone who was mad at us making fun of vegan diets and apparently 95% of America’s vegan population doesn’t have a sense of humor.  The other 5% are no longer vegan because they just succumbed to their base urges, and started eating someone’s brains (because they’re fucking zombies) (but brains aren’t vegan) (so they’re not vegan anymore) (just zombies).

This will all make sense in a little bit, but first, let’s talk about eating bugs.

A surprising amount of cultures include insects as part of their basic diets.  This is called Entomophagy, which is Latin for “eww gross, ha ha, it’s all crawly, hee hee.”  It’s common in developing nations, but lately, taboos about eating bugs are being challenged in first world countries like America by nutritionists pointing out that insects are high in protein, efficient to produce for consumption, and aren’t that gross just grow the fuck up, you haven’t even tried it, okay, just take one bite and if you don’t like it we’ll let you have some chicken.

Our stance on the issue might be surprising to those of you expecting us to demand that the world eat a diet of only bacon and steak (which, admittedly, not a bad call) but we’re totally for people eating bugs.  Some of our writers have actually done so (not in the “eating worms on the playground to make friends because they were lonely children” way…well, not exclusively that way) and they said they were delicious.  People think of eating bugs as digging into worming live messes, which is gross, but it’s also gross trying to bite into a chicken’s thigh as it runs for its life.  Cooked and prepared insects can be surprisingly good—crickets taste like shrimp, most larvae are kind of mushroomy, crickets are deep fried so they taste like everything that’s deep fried (delicious), and some other insects even taste like bacon.  All of these are good things!  We guess some people like the “sustainability” of the food source, but we don’t care—we’ll always welcome an added excuse to try to eat something that once lived on this Earth and has been killed specifically to address the fact that we’ve been drinking since 4PM and man, we should probably get some food in there before going out to the bars.

So to bring our two points together.

Our friends at the Mother Nature Network (sarcasm) posted an article a few months back by their blogger, “Starre Vartan,” entitled, “Eating insects is better than eating meat, but is it any more ethical?”  So we’re going to spend quite some time bashing our head into a wall for a while, and writing down whatever curse words come to mind in the process.  Enjoy.

Wherein AFFotD Screams “Are You Fucking Kidding Me, They’re BUGS” With Righteous Frustration Towards the Fiends at the Mother Nature Network

         screaming man               

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A Shocking Look At What Vegans Cannot Eat

“This is the most depressing list I’ve ever seen.  Those poor Vegans.  Please, just take a big old bite out of my flank.  I want you to be happy.”

~A cow

Ever since we sent [REDACTED] on a trip into torture and madness not seen since Apocalypse Now, we’ve tried to distance ourselves from the terrifying, un-American creatures known as “Vegans.”  We didn’t know much about them, but we knew they didn’t like meat, and that’s more than enough reason to hate them with every fiber of our beings.  “Oh, but AFFotD, that’s blind, irrational hatred, isn’t that wrong?” you may ask, and we would retort, of course not.  If we didn’t have blind, irrational hatred, we’d have settled this country by “peacefully cohabiting with the natives” and where would that leave us now?  With a lot fewer casinos and a lot less stories about smallpox blankets.  Could you imagine such a terrifying world?  We try not to.

But after a while, we began to develop a curiosity about these soulless (we can only assume) harbingers of soy.  Here’s what we knew about Vegans (through assumption).  They don’t eat meat unless it comes from human babies, they don’t have souls because the only way to acquire and maintain a soul is by devouring the life force of other animals, and they never shower because if they did their white-person dreads would immediately thin out when they touch water.

“My parents eat MEAT so I think it’s WRONG.  I learned that at the college that they paid for me to go to from a professor I was sleeping with.”

Well, for a while this inherent knowledge satisfied us.  But, after months of not even thinking the word “Vegan” we suddenly developed a strong urge to learn about all the foods that they are not allowed to eat.  This may or may not have something to do with putting trace amounts of cow’s blood in the water supply and then buying billboard space that says, “HEY VEGANS!  HOW’S THE COW’S BLOOD TASTE?  IT’S IN YOUR FUCKING WATER, HIPPIES!”

God, the look on their faces is going to be priceless.  Well, time for us to get formal, and focus on…

Foods of Enjoyment (Ignored by Dastardly Vegans)

“Meat:  It’s totally worth killing for.”

The following is a list of foods that Vegans can’t eat.  It’s not comprehensive, but it is comprehensive as far as things that Americans need.  And we’re not exaggerating here.  If an American goes a month without eating any of the following food and drink items, they turn into a male Chinese government official.  Even our women.  All Vegans are secretly Chinese government officials, is what we’re trying to say.

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[REDACTED]’s Week of Freedom

“You’re never gonna take me alive, AFFotD fuckers!”
~[REDACTED]

Our undercover investigative journalist, [REDACTED] has been through a lot.  We forced him to eat at a Vegan restaurant, which is the very reason why we can’t in good conscience list his name here, then after a quick apology party we got him to sign over, essentially, his soul. We made him write about cricket, and about opera, and finally, he snapped.

We didn’t hear a word from him for a week, until our specially calibrated American hunting dogs found an unusually large amount of America around the Chicagoland area.  Sure enough, that’s where [REDACTED] had been hiding out.  After we sent in the hounds (ha ha, don’t worry, they weren’t really hounds.  They were more of a wolves/huskie hybrid) we were able to bring in [REDACTED] and get his story behind his one week spent, as he put it, “Trying to get my America back on, you cocksuckers.”

Here is his tale.

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[REDACTED] Reaches a Breaking Point

“GET ME OUT OF HERE!  COME ONE, READERS, SOMEONE!  HELP ME!”

~[REDACTED]

[REDACTED] is an America Fun Fact of the Day correspondent who has the thankless task of serving as our resident Undercover Investigator.  He didn’t really want the job, he just signed up to be in AFFotD because, come on, it’s AFFotD.  Fortune Magazine would have listed us as the number one company to work for, except we spent a good two thousand words ripping on Fortune Magazine for being stupid and not knowing what’s American.  Let’s be real, you’d work here in an instant- our retirement plan includes a goddamn boat, and a free license to punch the celebrity that annoys you the worst.  We had to start using phone books to the stomach on Justin Bieber because the authorities were starting to get suspicious about all the bruises.  This is a pretty good gig, is what we’re saying.

Except for poor [REDACTED].  Ever since we sent him to do an expose on the evils of  Vegan Restaurants, we’ve had to redact his name, so that his family, friends, and, well, hopefully God, wouldn’t find out about the things he had been forced to do.  So, we tried to make it up to him by giving him a night of booze and freedom.  Of course, we took advantage of his drunken state, and signed him to do all our unsavory articles, like talking about Cricket, and he can’t really do anything about it.  Because of the information we have on him.  Because he’s eaten Vegan.  It’s not technically blackmail, but it basically is.

Anyway, now [REDACTED] is going to sit through some Opera.  Ha ha!

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[REDACTED] Tries to Write About Cricket

“What do you mean I’m not ‘allowed’ to quit!?”

~[REDACTED]

Two weeks ago, we took an investigative reporter, whose name we had to redact for obvious reasons, and let him loose in a Vegan restaurant.  Last week, we felt like we had to make it up to him, so we gave him a night full of whiskey and boots.  Of course, we also tricked him into signing a contract making him our permanent fixture as an investigative journalist.  Oh, and he can’t sue us, no matter what stresses we put him through.  So we figured we’d do the American thing…and abuse our new found freedom.  Enjoy writing a review of a game of Cricket, [REDACTED], you jackass.

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The Cure For a Night at a Vegan Restaurant

“…is…is this a trick?”

~REDACTED

Last week, we sent an Undercover Investigative journalist into the most evil place we could imagine- a Vegan restaurant.  We redacted the staff member’s name, because we knew that consuming Vegan food would leave an irreparable mark on his permanent record.  But what we saw…it, well it haunted us.  We saw a man reduced to rubble, not even afforded the decency of being allowed to chug a glass of bacon grease after his tofu crab cakes.  He was given bowls full of warmed, liquid vegetables, normally only reserved for prisoners at Guantanamo Bay.

Our senior staff members watched the hidden camera footage of poor REDACTED as he suffered through a five course meal of nothing but vegetables, tofu, and succubi.  It was painful to watch.  “Oh God, he’s losing his mind out there,” Harrison Ford, our aviation editor, sighed.

“He’s eating it!  Oh God, HE’S EATING IT!” Bruce Willis, our Barefoot Security Chief, began screaming.

“He’s going down in flames!” JFK III, the unknown-to-the-public grandson of JFK, exclaimed (it might sound like he was being insensitive, but man, you should hear how many airplane jokes the kid makes, it’s a bit fucked up).

“What have we done?  What have we become?” Johnny Roosevelt asked, bowing his head sadly.  We thought that REDACTED was done for.  He was drooling on himself, he started weeping for minutes at a time, he didn’t even crack a smile when he started slapping the waiter while screaming, “YOUR NAME IS BRIAN!  SAY IT!  FUCKING SAY IT!”

Vegans dress ridiculously.

We thought we might have lost him, and would have to chisel his name on our wall of fallen staff members, along such illustrious names as Hunter S. Thompson and Interns #1 through 354 (Interns are sort of the Spinal Tap drummers of our operation).  But there was a minor miracle, as REDACTED ran for freedom, fighting every vegetable-laden impulse telling his body to just give up, and he found the Mecca that is White Castle.  After a dozen sliders, our medical staff was on the scene, pumping him full of liquefied beef and various animal souls.  It was touch and go for a while, but REDACTED made it through.  When he recovered, we decided, one week after they day of his darkest hour, to give him a token of our appreciation.  Because we at AFFotD take care of our own.

So here, we present, REDACTED‘s night of American redemption.

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The “Are You American” Quiz

“Congratulations, you have won Jeopardy!   Did I mention that when I was in my 40s, I married a 27 year old woman?”

~Alex Trebek


As fine purveyors of all things American, sometimes it is necessary for America Fun Fact of the Day writers to take a step back and think about what America means to them.  Yes, it is a country, a way of life, and the creator of all things awesome.  This we know.  We know that we are Americans, either by blood or by love, and our fervor for this hunk of a continent knows no equal.

But every once and a while, a non-American tries to infiltrate our ranks.  Yes, Ivan Drago might stroll in, Carl Weathers in tow, and start to beat him mercilessly in front of us while saying, “If you do not hire me….he dies.”  And as he tells us about the time where robbers broke into his house, tied up his wife, and then left without taking anything just because they saw a picture of him in the house and realized, “Holy shit, Ivan Drago’s going to kill us when he finds out,” we might fool ourselves into thinking, “Yes, maybe he is American.”  But then, we remember Rocky beating the shit out of him to win the Cold War, and the fact that the name “Dolph” is a pretty shitty name.  And since you are able to read “Dolph Lundgren has a shitty name, fuck you Dolph Lundgren” without his hand punching through your computer and breaking your nose, that means that he is clearly not American enough.  And we were right to not hire him for that reason, and we totally sent Mrs. Weathers a really nice bouquet of flowers for the funeral.

Since other people can mask their accents, or not be named “Dolph,” we sometimes have to take the psychological route to determine who among us are truly American.  It is for that reason that you, dear readers, will be able to take our handy “Are You American” quiz.  It’s full of questions meant to separate the Patriots from the Portuguese, the Americans from the Albanians, and the Freedoms from the….French.

All french people are mimes.  True story.

So please take our test below.  For each multiple choice question, A is worth 0 points, B is worth 1 point, C is worth 3 points, and D is worth 5 points.  So add up your score, and check our scoring guide at the bottom of the page.  Good luck trying to pass this test, comrade.

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Vegan Restaurants: Why Do They Hate America? An Undercover Exposé

“No, anything but this assignment.  ANYTHING BUT THIS ASSIGNMENT!”

~REDACTED

As journalists, we take our duty to the public very seriously.  This nation has over 300 million residents, and not all of them understand the American nature of chugging a beer after dropping a hot dog into it (we call it dog bombing, and it requires a relaxed esophagus and a particular blindness to shame.)  So sometimes, we have to rub elbows with those that operate outside our rules.  Those that shun hot dogs, hamburgers, steak even.  To really get inside the heads of those that spurn these things that are so inherently American, we needed to do a little investigative journalism.  Much like Nellie Bly risked torture to uncover the evils of the mental health system in the 1800’s, Gunter Wallraff spent two years to uncover the human rights violation against immigrants in Germany, and Larry David smuggled himself onto the set of Hannah Montana to discover Billy Ray Cyrus’ evil sex dungeon, our investigators were required to go above and beyond the call of duty.

That’s right.  We sent someone into the Dragon’s Lair.  We sent someone…to a vegan restaurant.

Truly…the thing of our nightmares

And now, for the shocking truth behind a restaurant that dares not to serve meat…eggs…or cheese, here is the report from our Undercover reporter, whose name has been redacted so that his family would not leave him upon discovering he had consumed food that never took advantage of an animal at any point in it’s preparation.  Here is his shocking tale.

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