Tag Archives: Tofu

America’s Fried Foods: Part 4

“You guys gotta ease up on me here, the doctor says I can’t keep trying all these insane fried foods.”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

We’ve made no secret of the fact that we love us some fried foods.  And we especially love fried food that strives to be as unhealthy as possible.  And it gets us so excited we can’t even sum up our article that includes fried beer.  Yes, fried foods are an important part of American culture, keeping health care rates down while lowering instances of heart disease amongst middle aged Americans (or the opposite of those things, whatever).  And as Americans continue trying to deep fry foods with reckless abandon, blindly dipping new foods into deep fryers like a kid trying to mix together as many slushy flavors as he can fit inside his 7-eleven cup, so too are we here to present you with…

America’s Fried Foods:  Part 4

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Point/Counterpoint: Are Flavored Vodkas American?

“It’s delicious!  *slap*  It’s disgusting!  *slap*  IT’S DELICIOUS AND DISGUSTING *sobs*”

~Faye Dunaway

The Americanness of most items is usually pretty straightforward and easy to discern.  Shotguns?  American.  Environmentalists?  Not American.  Hot Dogs?  American.  Tofu?  What the fuck do you think you’re even doing here?  Really, when it comes to American qualities, the AFFotD staff usually can agree on what works, and what doesn’t.

“We will run you the hell out of this town, you hear?”

This isn’t always the case, however.  Every so often, a topic will come up that will lead to intense debate among our staffers.  Is the proper term “pop” or “soda”?  What is the better movie series, Die Hard or Rocky?  How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop?  All of these have been subject to virulent debate in the AFFotD offices.

We mention this because we ran across this article which described the creation of a brand of vodka that is flavored like cupcakes.  With that, two camps in the offices rapidly formed, one group who felt, “Holy shit that’s the best thing we’ve ever heard,” and another who believed, “You don’t fuck with liquor by adding weird flavors to it.  You just don’t.”

That is why we at AFFotD are pleased to bring you the first ever AFFotD American Point-Counterpoint, so each side can make an argument about the benefits, or evils, of flavored spirits.  We won’t name a winner, that’s for you, the reader, to decide.

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[REDACTED] Tries The Pizza Hut Stuffed Topping Pizza

“Alright, he deserves a break.  Let him try that ridiculous, gloriously American pizza.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

A few weeks ago, we informed you of the most beautiful pizza ever concocted- the Pizza Hut Toppings Stuffed Pizza.  This glorious conspiracy against your arteries has been unleashed onto America for a limited time only, so we had to get our staff to do a review on it.  Unfortunately, most of our staff members only have collegiate degrees in cursing, and our food critic, John Goodman, is on a two week vacation to celebrate his Oscar we stole for him.  So we had only one place to turn.  We had to turn to the monster we had created, a man hellbent on revenge for the things we had put him through.

photo unrelated

That’s right.  We had to turn…to [REDACTED].  For those of you unfamiliar with his tale of woe, [REDACTED] is a staff member and investigative journalist whose name has been stricken from all of our documents to protect him from the fact that we once made him eat at a Vegan restaurant.  After a series of tricks and cruel assignments, he finally snapped and escaped from our supervision, spending a strange week drinking and ghost-walking piers in Chicago.

He’s been in isolation ever since, regaining his American zeal and, well, sanity through a series of therapeutic procedures, so…hopefully, he’s ready to see the light of day.  Because we really want to know if this pizza is any good.  We’re guessing it fucking is.

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The Cure For a Night at a Vegan Restaurant

“…is…is this a trick?”

~REDACTED

Last week, we sent an Undercover Investigative journalist into the most evil place we could imagine- a Vegan restaurant.  We redacted the staff member’s name, because we knew that consuming Vegan food would leave an irreparable mark on his permanent record.  But what we saw…it, well it haunted us.  We saw a man reduced to rubble, not even afforded the decency of being allowed to chug a glass of bacon grease after his tofu crab cakes.  He was given bowls full of warmed, liquid vegetables, normally only reserved for prisoners at Guantanamo Bay.

Our senior staff members watched the hidden camera footage of poor REDACTED as he suffered through a five course meal of nothing but vegetables, tofu, and succubi.  It was painful to watch.  “Oh God, he’s losing his mind out there,” Harrison Ford, our aviation editor, sighed.

“He’s eating it!  Oh God, HE’S EATING IT!” Bruce Willis, our Barefoot Security Chief, began screaming.

“He’s going down in flames!” JFK III, the unknown-to-the-public grandson of JFK, exclaimed (it might sound like he was being insensitive, but man, you should hear how many airplane jokes the kid makes, it’s a bit fucked up).

“What have we done?  What have we become?” Johnny Roosevelt asked, bowing his head sadly.  We thought that REDACTED was done for.  He was drooling on himself, he started weeping for minutes at a time, he didn’t even crack a smile when he started slapping the waiter while screaming, “YOUR NAME IS BRIAN!  SAY IT!  FUCKING SAY IT!”

Vegans dress ridiculously.

We thought we might have lost him, and would have to chisel his name on our wall of fallen staff members, along such illustrious names as Hunter S. Thompson and Interns #1 through 354 (Interns are sort of the Spinal Tap drummers of our operation).  But there was a minor miracle, as REDACTED ran for freedom, fighting every vegetable-laden impulse telling his body to just give up, and he found the Mecca that is White Castle.  After a dozen sliders, our medical staff was on the scene, pumping him full of liquefied beef and various animal souls.  It was touch and go for a while, but REDACTED made it through.  When he recovered, we decided, one week after they day of his darkest hour, to give him a token of our appreciation.  Because we at AFFotD take care of our own.

So here, we present, REDACTED‘s night of American redemption.

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