Tag Archives: bribes

America’s Partial Guide to Bribing

“If it’s a crime to love your country, then I’m guilty.  And if it’s a crime to steal a trillion dollars from the U.S. government and give it to Communist Cuba, then I’m guilty.  And if it’s a crime to bribe a jury, I’ll soon be guilty of that!”

~Senor Burns

There’s an old saying in America- money buys happiness.  Additionally, it’s often said that if something is “fucking golden” you don’t want to “give it away for nothing.”

Photo unrelated

Yes, America is a greasy wheel, and the only way to get it running is to give it a little oil.  See what we did there?  That was a subtle allusion to the fact that bribes are a super important part of America.  Literally nothing gets done in the country unless someone is putting money under the table.  Did you know that if your house is on fire, firemen are only legally required to put it out if you pay them like, 10 bucks each?  “No, I did not notice that, no wonder they just stood there and watched my memories burn,” we hear you say.  Well, we at AFFotD know all the trade secrets to successful bribing, from when you’re getting conned (you’re just about always getting conned) to how paying the right amount of money to the right amount of people can put you in the real hospitals, as opposed to the one ambulances go to which were actually developed as Petri Dishes for super-bacteria.

This is the hospital you go to if you don’t bribe people

Do you want the dentist to give you the fillings that don’t double as a homing beacon?  Do you want the water company to run the non arsenic tap water through your pipes?  Do you want the voices to stop?  Why won’t the voices stop?

That’s where we at AFFotD come into play, with our comprehensive guide on bribing.  Who to bribe, how to bribe, and most importantly, when to bribe.

Bribes won’t help you here…unless you bribe a necromancer.  Actually, bribes can still help you here.

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The Cure For a Night at a Vegan Restaurant

“…is…is this a trick?”


Last week, we sent an Undercover Investigative journalist into the most evil place we could imagine- a Vegan restaurant.  We redacted the staff member’s name, because we knew that consuming Vegan food would leave an irreparable mark on his permanent record.  But what we saw…it, well it haunted us.  We saw a man reduced to rubble, not even afforded the decency of being allowed to chug a glass of bacon grease after his tofu crab cakes.  He was given bowls full of warmed, liquid vegetables, normally only reserved for prisoners at Guantanamo Bay.

Our senior staff members watched the hidden camera footage of poor REDACTED as he suffered through a five course meal of nothing but vegetables, tofu, and succubi.  It was painful to watch.  “Oh God, he’s losing his mind out there,” Harrison Ford, our aviation editor, sighed.

“He’s eating it!  Oh God, HE’S EATING IT!” Bruce Willis, our Barefoot Security Chief, began screaming.

“He’s going down in flames!” JFK III, the unknown-to-the-public grandson of JFK, exclaimed (it might sound like he was being insensitive, but man, you should hear how many airplane jokes the kid makes, it’s a bit fucked up).

“What have we done?  What have we become?” Johnny Roosevelt asked, bowing his head sadly.  We thought that REDACTED was done for.  He was drooling on himself, he started weeping for minutes at a time, he didn’t even crack a smile when he started slapping the waiter while screaming, “YOUR NAME IS BRIAN!  SAY IT!  FUCKING SAY IT!”

Vegans dress ridiculously.

We thought we might have lost him, and would have to chisel his name on our wall of fallen staff members, along such illustrious names as Hunter S. Thompson and Interns #1 through 354 (Interns are sort of the Spinal Tap drummers of our operation).  But there was a minor miracle, as REDACTED ran for freedom, fighting every vegetable-laden impulse telling his body to just give up, and he found the Mecca that is White Castle.  After a dozen sliders, our medical staff was on the scene, pumping him full of liquefied beef and various animal souls.  It was touch and go for a while, but REDACTED made it through.  When he recovered, we decided, one week after they day of his darkest hour, to give him a token of our appreciation.  Because we at AFFotD take care of our own.

So here, we present, REDACTED‘s night of American redemption.

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