“If it’s a crime to love your country, then I’m guilty. And if it’s a crime to steal a trillion dollars from the U.S. government and give it to Communist Cuba, then I’m guilty. And if it’s a crime to bribe a jury, I’ll soon be guilty of that!”
~Senor Burns
There’s an old saying in America- money buys happiness. Additionally, it’s often said that if something is “fucking golden” you don’t want to “give it away for nothing.”
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Yes, America is a greasy wheel, and the only way to get it running is to give it a little oil. See what we did there? That was a subtle allusion to the fact that bribes are a super important part of America. Literally nothing gets done in the country unless someone is putting money under the table. Did you know that if your house is on fire, firemen are only legally required to put it out if you pay them like, 10 bucks each? “No, I did not notice that, no wonder they just stood there and watched my memories burn,” we hear you say. Well, we at AFFotD know all the trade secrets to successful bribing, from when you’re getting conned (you’re just about always getting conned) to how paying the right amount of money to the right amount of people can put you in the real hospitals, as opposed to the one ambulances go to which were actually developed as Petri Dishes for super-bacteria.
This is the hospital you go to if you don’t bribe people
Do you want the dentist to give you the fillings that don’t double as a homing beacon? Do you want the water company to run the non arsenic tap water through your pipes? Do you want the voices to stop? Why won’t the voices stop?
That’s where we at AFFotD come into play, with our comprehensive guide on bribing. Who to bribe, how to bribe, and most importantly, when to bribe.
Bribes won’t help you here…unless you bribe a necromancer. Actually, bribes can still help you here.
America Fun Fact of the Day 