“If it’s a crime to love your country, then I’m guilty. And if it’s a crime to steal a trillion dollars from the U.S. government and give it to Communist Cuba, then I’m guilty. And if it’s a crime to bribe a jury, I’ll soon be guilty of that!”
~Senor Burns
There’s an old saying in America- money buys happiness. Additionally, it’s often said that if something is “fucking golden” you don’t want to “give it away for nothing.”
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Yes, America is a greasy wheel, and the only way to get it running is to give it a little oil. See what we did there? That was a subtle allusion to the fact that bribes are a super important part of America. Literally nothing gets done in the country unless someone is putting money under the table. Did you know that if your house is on fire, firemen are only legally required to put it out if you pay them like, 10 bucks each? “No, I did not notice that, no wonder they just stood there and watched my memories burn,” we hear you say. Well, we at AFFotD know all the trade secrets to successful bribing, from when you’re getting conned (you’re just about always getting conned) to how paying the right amount of money to the right amount of people can put you in the real hospitals, as opposed to the one ambulances go to which were actually developed as Petri Dishes for super-bacteria.
This is the hospital you go to if you don’t bribe people
Do you want the dentist to give you the fillings that don’t double as a homing beacon? Do you want the water company to run the non arsenic tap water through your pipes? Do you want the voices to stop? Why won’t the voices stop?
That’s where we at AFFotD come into play, with our comprehensive guide on bribing. Who to bribe, how to bribe, and most importantly, when to bribe.
Bribes won’t help you here…unless you bribe a necromancer. Actually, bribes can still help you here.
Bribery was invented in the 1950’s as a way to combat Communism, and since then it has become firmly entrenched in American society as a way to GSD, or “Get Shit Done.” It is related to the notion of tipping a waiter, the though process being that you were giving them extra capital for the services they were rendering. But, unlike tipping cab drivers, pizza delivery men, and strippers, when meting out a bribe, you have to make sure to follow these essential rules.
KNOW WHO TO BRIBE:
Giving out a bribe is much like asking someone to administer oral sex on you- if it goes over well, it’s going to go over really well, but if it goes over poorly, you’ll end up slapped or arrested. Probably both.
Despite our assertion that bribery is a totally normal, healthy part of American society, certain people might take offense to the implication that they their integrity can be bought. Unfortunately, when you encounter such an individual, not even throwing money at their feet while shouting, “Dance puppet, dance for your pittance” will change their mind. That is why you have to keep a careful eye out on the person you are dealing with. For example, a list of people you should not bribe can be found below.
1: Religious figures
Surprisingly, priests, nuns, popes, all of those people are usually not going to be easy to bribe. Sure, you may find a priest that’ll sell out his faith for fifteen bucks and a bag full of once-used panties, but that is going to be the exception, not the rule. Plus, you have to ask yourself, are you going to get anything worthwhile out of bribing a member of the clergy? What, you slip a priest fifty bucks and you’ll get a pass into heaven? First of all, that priest is conning you, second of all, it takes millions of dollars to get the proper thetan levels to become enlightened, so no matter what you’re paying your Scientologist auditor, it’s not going to help.
2: People wearing mousy glasses
We’re not saying that only cool people accept bribes, but, really, only cool people accept bribes. You need to be able to keep your cool if you’re taking money you shouldn’t be taking, and weak-kneed people with mousy glasses are not going to be able to pull that off, even if they want to. And when we say “weak-kneed people with mousy glasses” we’re talking about the people that reek of tuna salad and seven years of accidental celibacy. Not only will these people fumble the money you give them, they’ll probably have “moral quandaries” about the whole thing, and will fold as soon as someone pressures them. Speaking of…
3: The FBI agents investigating you on bribery charges
You’d think this would be a given, but once you get in the mindset of “bribe bribe bribe” it’s sort of tough to not try to bribe your way out of a situation. Needless to say, this will just make things worse.
HOW DO YOU BRIBE SOMEONE?
The second essential point to bribery is the technique. Much like diving into a pool of water, if you use the wrong form, you’re going to end up falling flat on your stomach. Nothing is more embarrassing than trying to bribe someone and having the money flutter everywhere. It’s messy, and usually the person is so mad they just take your money and run. Of course, there are two main ways to get someone bribe money, depending on if it’s a big or small bribe.
Small Bribe: The Rich Uncle Handshake
This is a simple method, but the most effective. You fold a bill in your palm, and hold your handshake for a split second longer than you otherwise would. This allows the bribe receiver to notice the feel of the money, and recover enough to get the bill. This is best used when bribing the Host of a restaurant, or your surgeon before the appendectomy.
Large Bribe: Hoooly Shit That’s A Lot Of Money In This Briefcase
This one is all about attitude. Just slide a briefcase on the table, open it, and turn it around, revealing the large amount of money you are offering. The plans for the Indian casino will be approved, and you’ll have the appropriate false documents identifying you as a member of the Cherokee tribe any day now!
WHEN SHOULD I BRIBE?
Anytime something doesn’t go your way, bribe. That’s what America is founded upon, and you need to take full advantage of it.
So, intrepid American, with this information at your disposal, go forth and just, toss your money wantonly until you get everything you desire. Because nothing bad can possibly happen from that.
America Fun Fact of the Day 