Category Archives: Teddy’s Tots

Teddy Roosevelt was one of the greatest Presidents and Americans of all time. In this section we take time to honor the lives of each and every one of the six children the man sired during his lifetime, a decision that was in no way influenced by the fact that our Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt, is “technically” “a directly descendant” of the man.

Quentin Roosevelt Was The Favorite

“Quentin?  Respect.”

~Teddy Roosevelt

Many of you following our Teddy’s Tots feature have no doubt thought to yourselves, “Wow, so these kids were all born in the 1800s, a decade lousy with child mortality rates, and so far all of his children have lived to be older than fifty, and in one case, ninety years old.  Didn’t only one of Abraham Lincoln’s four children survive into adulthood?”  That’s…yes that’s true.  Wow, you know your shit.  Well then you probably knew that Teddy Roosevelt’s youngest child was the one to live the shortest?  You did?

Well then you also know that Quentin Roosevelt managed to fit more badass in twenty years of life than most professional bear wrestlers.  That’s why we are proud to present, the sixth and final chapter in the Teddy’s Tots series, with…

Quentin Roosevelt Was The Favorite

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Archibald Roosevelt’s Knee Fought For Freedom

“Well, you know what they say about us Roosevelts.  We have powers and we can destroy you with a thought.”

~Teddy Roosevelt

We at America Fun Fact of the Day have enjoyed bringing you our series on Teddy Roosevelt’s children, Teddy’s Tots.  You’ve learned so far about Alice’s pet snake, Teddy Jr.’s storming of Normandy with a cane, Kermit’s desire to explore Indiana Jones settings, and Ethel’s humanitarianism.  It’s safe to say that every Roosevelt child was able to be exceptional in his or her own special way.  Which is why, before we address the impressive achievements of Archibald Roosevelt, the fifth of six Roosevelt children, we must protest the sorry state of his Wikipedia entry as of the writing of this fun fact.

We like our Americans like we like our women- strong, empowered, and easily looked up on Wikipedia (here’s looking at you, Barbara Bush).  That’s why we shudder to think that the writer of Archibald Roosevelt’s early life section is either illiterate or, worse, foreign.  Just look at this screen grab.

We mean, come on Wikipedia editors, this is a Roosevelt we’re talking about here.  Listen, we’re no fans of grammar here, but we at least try to avoid sentances that make you feel like you’ve had a stroke when you read them out loud.  Honestly, “Growing up Archie was very close to his brother Quentin and favorite of all times”?  Do you mean to say that Archie was closer to his younger brother Quentin more than his other siblings?  “But Ted Jr. for Ethel would tell their mother, Edith, and she would be in big trouble for that”?  Uh…we can’t even piece that out.  Do you understand?  Our editor in chief is related to the person you are talking about in this article and even he doesn’t know what’s going on!

“As for his smartness, Archie was an avid reader and very smart at putting puzzles together pretty fast and such”?  Okay now you’re just fucking with us, Wikipedia.  Is this because we won’t listen to your founders “passionate plea” for donations for the third time in four years?  You know what, we don’t want to dwell on this, it’ll just ruin our day, so why don’t we just cut right to the good stuff with this, part 5 of our 6 part Teddy’s Tots series…

Archibald Roosevelt’s Knee Fought For Freedom

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Ethel Roosevelt Derby: Nurse, Philanthropist, and Preserver of the Roosevelt Legacy

“I decided to sire a child every time I killed an elephant.  I’m sure my wife was glad that there were only six elephants in American zoos at the time.”

~Teddy Roosevelt

As you’ve seen in our three previous articles about the children of Teddy Roosevelt, the man did this country a service by creating a miniature army of super Americans.  Roosevelt children defied gender roles, stormed Normandy into their 50s, and navigated mysterious Amazonian rivers like it was nothing.  So as we continue our ongoing Teddy’s Tots series we look into the Roosevelt Daughter who shied away from the limelight…and in doing so still ended up being the first Roosevelt to show up for World War I.

Because you do not fuck with the Roosevelts.

Ethel Roosevelt Derby: Nurse, Philanthropist, and Preserver of the Roosevelt Legacy

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Kermit Roosevelt: Explorer, Soldier, Author, American

“To be honest, we shouldn’t be talking about the Kennedys, we should be talking about the Roosevelts.”

~Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt, who is in no way biased

Having learned about the incredible badassary behind the first two children of Theodore Roosevelt, Alice and Teddy Jr., it’s of little surprise that America was able to annex the moon in the 1960’s (pshh, don’t pretend it “doesn’t belong to any country” there’s a damn US flag on the thing, we get first rights to all the moon rocks and space hookers).  Is it surprising to you that Roosevelt gave birth to six children who came to adulthood around the time where America was beginning to become a world power?  We’d suspect it’d only be surprising if you’re the kind of person who is surprised to see a bullet come out of a loaded gun when you pull the trigger.

Yes, the spawn of Roosevelt have shaped America in a myriad of ways, which is why we continue our series of Teddy’s Tots to look into the individual American contribution of each one of Roosevelt’s sons.  Today we look at Kermit Roosevelt, the most unfortunately named Roosevelt with the most unfortunate life.  Despite his lifelong issues with depression, he was still able to show us what being an American was about, which is why we salute…

Kermit Roosevelt:  Explorer, Soldier, Author, American

 

Seen here while in the middle of saying “I am SO getting laid tonight.”

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Theodore Roosevelt, Jr.: Businessman, Soldier, Politician, Badass American. So, Basically, His Father’s Son

“Let’s be honest.  You’d be more surprised if I had a kid that DIDN’T go on to do anything worthwhile.”

~Teddy Roosevelt

As we’ve discussed previously in our fun fact regarding Teddy Roosevelt’s surprisingly attractive daughter Alice, Teddy Roosevelt made it his duty to ensure that America had at least 6 carriers of the Teddy Roosevelt gene going around to make the world awesome.  Teddy Roosevelt’s children were blessed with advantages that many of us could only dream of.  Impressive moustache growing abilities.  The strength of five men.  The knowledge that it was physically impossible to be bullied during your childhood because every time someone tried to punch you, a mythic force known only as “Roosevelt Waves” would shatter every bone in the hand of the would-be attacker.

While some Roosevelts used this advantage better than others, they all still have given us enough reason to write about each and every one of them as we continue our series of Teddy’s Tots with a fun fact discussing Teddy Roosevelts second oldest child, and his eldest son.  All hail the man with the name that could open a thousand doors…

Theodore Roosevelt, Jr.:  Businessman, Soldier, Politician, Badass American.  So, Basically, His Father’s Son.

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Alice Roosevelt Longworth: 96 Years of Pet Snakes, Cuckolded Husbands, and Sharp Wit

“In fact, most suspect it was Mr. Roosevelt’s general monogamous ways that is the only reason why America is not dominated by illegitimate supermen.”

~1920 Census Report


Consider this, America.  On the six occasions that Theodore Roosevelt told his reproductive system to make him a child, millions upon millions of potential Roosevelts battled each other for the right to carry on the legacy (and moustache genes) of one of America’s finest Americans (and great-grandfather to our editor-in-chief).  Each child was, genetically, 50% Teddy Roosevelt, which scientifically equates to about 8.3 Americans each.

Yes the fact that Teddy Roosevelt had six children seems appropriate- if anything it’s a disservice to our country that he didn’t go all Jim Duggar with his two wives.  Roosevelt hadving two wives had nothing to do with divorce or infidelity, of course- Roosevelt’s first wife, Alice Hathaway Lee Roosevelt, died shortly after childbirth when Roosevelt was 25 (it happened in the same house on the same day that his mother died, a coincidence that historical circles refer to as “Dude, that fucking sucks”).  Of course, Roosevelt knew he had to continue his lineage with more than one child, so he eventually remarried where his second wife gave birth to his five other children.

But those children?  Unmistakably American, every one.  That is why we at AFfotD are making it our duty to tell you about each and every one of the Roosevelt Children, and for the next several weeks you will periodically find fun facts in the Teddy’s Tots series.  We settled on the name “Teddy’s Tots” because we like alliteration, but “Teddy’s Totally Tricked out Tiny Tyrants” seemed a bit cumbersome.  So we begin our goal to educate you about the lives of every one of Teddy Roosevelt’s spawn with…

Alice Roosevelt Longworth:  96 Years of Pet Snakes, Cuckolded Husbands, and Sharp Wit

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