“Well, you know what they say about us Roosevelts. We have powers and we can destroy you with a thought.”
We at America Fun Fact of the Day have enjoyed bringing you our series on Teddy Roosevelt’s children, Teddy’s Tots. You’ve learned so far about Alice’s pet snake, Teddy Jr.’s storming of Normandy with a cane, Kermit’s desire to explore Indiana Jones settings, and Ethel’s humanitarianism. It’s safe to say that every Roosevelt child was able to be exceptional in his or her own special way. Which is why, before we address the impressive achievements of Archibald Roosevelt, the fifth of six Roosevelt children, we must protest the sorry state of his Wikipedia entry as of the writing of this fun fact.
We like our Americans like we like our women- strong, empowered, and easily looked up on Wikipedia (here’s looking at you, Barbara Bush). That’s why we shudder to think that the writer of Archibald Roosevelt’s early life section is either illiterate or, worse, foreign. Just look at this screen grab.
We mean, come on Wikipedia editors, this is a Roosevelt we’re talking about here. Listen, we’re no fans of grammar here, but we at least try to avoid sentances that make you feel like you’ve had a stroke when you read them out loud. Honestly, “Growing up Archie was very close to his brother Quentin and favorite of all times”? Do you mean to say that Archie was closer to his younger brother Quentin more than his other siblings? “But Ted Jr. for Ethel would tell their mother, Edith, and she would be in big trouble for that”? Uh…we can’t even piece that out. Do you understand? Our editor in chief is related to the person you are talking about in this article and even he doesn’t know what’s going on!
“As for his smartness, Archie was an avid reader and very smart at putting puzzles together pretty fast and such”? Okay now you’re just fucking with us, Wikipedia. Is this because we won’t listen to your founders “passionate plea” for donations for the third time in four years? You know what, we don’t want to dwell on this, it’ll just ruin our day, so why don’t we just cut right to the good stuff with this, part 5 of our 6 part Teddy’s Tots series…
Archibald Roosevelt’s Knee Fought For Freedom
Archibald Roosevelt was born in 1894 with a very unfortunate name. Not only did he have to go by “Archibald,” but the nicknames he was given included “Archie” and “Archikins” which basically was Teddy Roosevelt’s way of saying, “Yeah I gave you a crappy name, what are you gonna do about it?” Teddy Roosevelt no doubt hoped the answer would be “fight the shit out of two World Wars” and he was absolutely right. Not only would he go on to fight in World War I and World War II, he would be the only American soldier to be declared 100% disabled from injuries sustained in battle…twice…with the same wound. Sorry, wait, let’s try this again, that needs a little more italics to bring the point home. Twice with the same wound. There we go.
And in the eventual film adaptation of his life, can we recommend he be played by Alan Alda?
Archibald’s childhood is apparently only known by a computer that was programmed to translate phrases from English to Japanese and back to English again like some sort of tragic babblefish version of the game Telephone. What we do know is that Archie, like his two older brothers, graduated from Harvard (which we feel should just change its name to “Teddy Roosevelt Presents: Harvard University” at this point) and soon thereafter decided to go overseas and shoot some foreigners.
Archibald was sent to France, where he eventually earned the rank of Captain. At this point during the war however, he was wounded. And by wounded, we mean to say wounded three fucking times. If it surprised you that a Roosevelt would have to be 100% disabled by three separate injuries to finally stop fighting in a war, well clearly you know nothing about Teddy Roosevelt or America, and you just found this page because you googled the term “Demi Moore and Lindsay Lohan Making out” in which case, ha ha buddy, try tmz next time.
Of course if you googled “Archibald Roosevelt with a gun” this is the best we can off you.
After dabbling in business a bit between the wars, Roosevelt got ready to jump right back in the German-killing seat when America entered World War II. Despite having been listed as 100% disabled, Roosevelt took advantage of the rarely evoked, “I’m Teddy Roosevelt’s kid, idiot” clause, and FDR approved his request to rejoin the Army, with the commission of Lieutenant Colonel. Again, he lead his troops to battle, landing in New Guinea’s Nassau Bay in a battle for a ridge that would eventually be named Roosevelt Ridge. For those of you keeping score, that means that Teddy Roosevelt, Kermit Roosevelt, and Archibald Roosevelt have had pieces of land in other countries named after them. That’s a pretty impressive track record.
Of course, Archibald had plenty of war left in him…until August 12, 1943 when an enemy grenade shattered the very same kneecap that forced him out of World War I. To put it in sports terms, it was like when a running back had a strain in his leg that caused him to miss about 6 games of the season. And then, when he came back, he re-injured it halfway through the game, and has to get ACL surgery and will be out for the season. That was the same for Roosevelt, only instead of being out for a season of football, he was out of commission for a war, and instead of being a game of football, it was fucking World War II, and instead of being injured while running with a ball in your hands, his knee was shattered by a goddamn grenade.
A GODDAMN GRENADE
Despite being wounded by the enemy four times over the course of the two World Wars, Roosevelt would go on to live to the ripe old age of 85. And though he might have gotten a little…crazy in regards to his paranoia about everyone being Socialists, we at AFFotD can still salute the second Roosevelt who had the balls to go into battle hobbling on a goddamn cane.