“I make my own mayonnaise. I do this either because I am pretentiously gourmet, or because I am technically too fat to fit out my door and run to the grocery store. You decide.”
~It’s the second one
Imagine a swimming pool filled with Mayonnaise. No, seriously, picture it. You can’t get it out of your head now, can you? And be honest with us- you’ve never once thought about that. You’ve never wondered to yourself, “I wonder what it would look like if you filled a swimming pool with Mayonnaise.” And now you can’t stop thinking about it. That is our gift to you.
Yes Mayo is an integral part of America’s culinary tradition. While it shockingly was not invented in America, it clearly was invented ahead of its time, since it’s a product clearly meant for America. Come on, it’s 85% fat, and has 700 calories for every 100 grams of it. Holy hell, that’s glorious. So we’re going to only touch on the European-y origins of this thing, and focus on…
The American History of Mayonnaise
There is no confirmed story for the invention of Mayonnaise, but the most likely story is that it was invented in France in 1756. Now, many of you who were drinking a liquid while reading that sentence no doubt just spit it at your computer screen. The handful of you particularly wealthy readers may have dropped your monocle. The majority of you holding handguns right now just fired a shot of anger into the air. Jesus Christ! Don’t do that! There are people who live above you! Be considerate!
But yes, the terrifying truth is, France is often credited with the creation of Mayonnaise. Some suggest that the name itself comes from the word “Moyeu” which is French for “Of course we’re not going to look up the translation to a French word.”
We’re going to ignore all that and just say it was invented in, oh let’s say, Virginia. But before we get into the American history of Mayonnaise, let do a quick run-down of how Mayo is made.
Woah, take it easy there, T-Shirt.
Mayonnaise can be made by hand using any kitchen utensil or appliance that blends. Oil is slowly added to an egg yolk, and it is whisked vigorously so that the two ingredients stay combined. That’s pretty much it. Most Mayonnaise we consume has vinegar and lemon juice as part of the oil that is added. As the oil and egg yolk are beaten, a process known as emulation takes place, which basically means that two typically un-blendable ingredients have been successfully blended.
Wow that was deeply boring. Nearly as boring as eating a sandwich without Mayonnaise. SEGUE BONUS, X2 MULTIPLIER!
Yes, Mayonnaise is utilized best in America on two things that are meant to be a lot healthier without Mayonnaise putting its grubby hands on it: sandwiches and salad. Sandwiches rely on Mayo to the point that certain sandwich staples wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for Mayonnaise. So anyone who wants a Tuna Salad Sandwich or a Chicken Salad Sandwich, you know who to thank.
Pictured above: the only thing that celery is good for
These are how you are supposed to use Mayo. If you’re not using Mayo to turn something that isn’t salad into an unhealthy salad, or as a way to make sure your sandwiches don’t taste dry as hell, you’re not American. That’s just fact.
Don’t believe us? Let’s take a look at what other nations use Mayo for.
The French use Mayo on their damn hard boiled eggs. They also use it on cold chicken. While many of you are saying, “But AFFotD, that just sounds like you are describing egg salad and chicken salad,” we would have to respond shut the fuck up, Frenchie!
Not to be gross, but when we did a google image search for “Japanese Mayonnaise” we expected a lot more images of semen. Not saying we didn’t get any, we just expected more.
Japanese Mayonnaise is sold in soft plastic squeeze bottles, and is thinner than most Western Mayonnaise and you totally can’t stop thinking about semen right now, huh?
Russia has flavored Mayonnaises. If your response to that was, “What, that sounds pretty good” then we’ve finally got you, comrade, way to blow your cover. These flavors range from “makes sense given the fact that it’s an ingredient that some people use in making Mayo” (lemon) to “OH MY GOD WHAT EVILS HAVE YOU UNLEASHED ON THIS WORLD” (Quail eggs? Olives? Are you fucking serious?). Either way it proves why we won the damn Cold War.
Chile uses Mayo on hot dogs. They automatically lose their Mayo and hot dog rights with that decision.
So keep it American people. Take your oiled up eggs and take advantage of the gloriously unhealthiness of it, make sure to keep it American.