Tag Archives: Russia

The World’s Saddest Cuisines: Estonia

“Oh…oh no.  It’s another Russia-bordering country.  This is going to be so sad.”

~AFFotD’s Resident Food Critic

estonia

We know America does food better than any other country, primarily because when other countries make good things, we just steal it ourselves and make it bigger and better.  We didn’t invent pizza, but have you had pizza in Italy?  Our staff has.  It’s, like, fine.  America does it much better, with a few notable exceptions.  Now, there are other countries that have great food as well (Italy’s still got us beat in the pasta game , for example).  And there are countries that have bad food.  But we don’t care about any of those countries.  No, we take interest in countries whose food is not just generally bad, but wholeheartedly depressing in ways that cling to your soul.  We don’t know what caused our fascination with nations whose recipe books come pre-streaked with tears, but we’re not going to stop now.  Our latest nation with food that makes us so, so sad?  The small Russia-adjacent nation of Estonia.  Strap in, this is going to be a doozy.

The World’s Saddest Cuisines:  Estonia

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The World’s Saddest Cuisines: Mordvinia

“Wait, so this is depressing even for RUSSIA?  Jesus.”

~AFFotD’s Food Critic

 mordvinia

We very clearly love food here, but we also love calling out other countries for how bad their food is.  Granted, it’s not particularly noteworthy to have bad food (cough, sup England) or weird food (how you living, Japan). But we prefer to focus on depressing food cultures.  Like, yes, Iceland eats rotted fermented shark, and that’s gross, but the fact that they ferment everything because they can’t afford to import salt, or that the shark has to be fermented so that it stops being poisonous is legitimately depressing.

So we are here to keep our proud tradition of looking at rich, steeped culinary histories and going, “Oh God, that’s so sad.”  Now let’s hop on a plane to the federal subject of Russia, Mordvinia, where things get depressing, even for Russia.

The World’s Saddest Cuisines:  Mordvinia

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The Weirdest Christmas Dishes From Around the World

“We wish you a merry…oh God what are you putting in front of us?  You want us to EAT that?”

~Greenland residents during Christmas

 christmases

We’re just a few short days away from Christmas, a time for reflection, forced familial-interaction in the guise of gift giving and, above all else, feasting, American-style.  Every family has their own different tradition for Christmas, ranging from “it’s pretty much like a second Thanksgiving” to “my family died in a fire and the holidays are a cold reminder of how I’m alone in the world, oh God now I’m crying in public again, thanks a lot assholes” but generally, an American Christmas feast falls well within the definition of “normal.”  Ham?  Sounds delicious.  Turkey?  Sure!  Egg nog?  Booze it up and we’ll talk.

But we were recently informed, much to our surprise, that countries other than America also celebrate Christmas, which is insane to think about because America is the only country that actually makes good Christmas movies.  But it’s true, we’re not alone in celebrating Christmas.  However, less surprisingly, most other countries get real weird about it.  So we decided to cast our xenophobia aside (reluctantly) in the spirit of Christmas, and look at some traditional Christmas dishes around the world.  And since it’s the holidays, we’re not going to say that all of these are gross and must be set on fire, and instead are just focusing on Christmas meals that are…weird.

The Weirdest Christmas Dishes From Around the World

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Wherein AFFotD Denounced the Culinary Lies Perpetuated By the Brainless Fools Behind thetoptens.com

“Were you born without goddamn taste buds?”

~AFFotD Staffers reading The Top Tens’ list of Countries With the Worst Food

food pic

Occasionally, we have been known to read websites other than our own.  It goes against our general ego-centric, ignorance-embracing lifestyle that we’ve worked very hard to foster, but it happens.  Granted, most of the time we wander to the other darker corners of the internet, we find horrific, un-American things, so we try to limit how often we stray out, because the doctors have been telling us for years that we gotta start watching our blood pressure.

Anyway, this brings us to the purpose of today’s article.  In researching for our lovely borderline-xenophobic series, The World’s Saddest Cuisines, we stumbled across an article from thetoptens.com that claimed to list the 10 Countries with the worst food in the world.  We were interested.  Would they include Armenia?  Botswana?  Oh, God, Latvia?

What we clicked was, very possibly, the most wrong a top 10 list has ever been about anything in the history of the internet.  Fuck you, thetoptens.com, we’re going to write an article about how shit you are now.

Wherein AFFotD Denounced the Culinary Lies Perpetuated By the Brainless Fools Behind thetoptens.com

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A Brief History of Animals Getting Drunk

“I’m not as officer as you drunk I am *starts mauling police officer*”

~A Drunk Monkey

 mice with wine

Humans separate themselves from the rest of the animal kingdom through their advanced culture, their intellectual pursuits, and their appreciation of Shark Week.  Sure, there might be more to the difference between man and beast, but at the end of the day, many creatures on this planet are a lot like us, only much tastier.  It’s this disconnect between our similarities and differences with the animal world that finds us constantly striving to anthropomorphize pets and wild creatures—you put a sweater on your severely overheated poodle and it’s cute, because he thinks he’s people.  We like seeing animals “act human” but it’s typically pretty forced.  Yes, that is a cute YouTube video of a dog walking on its hind legs, but that’s just because he was incessantly trained to do that.  But there is one area where, with minimal human interference, animals are just like us.

They like to get drunk.

So, we will take a momentary break from our established credo of “Fuck Nature” to give our furry animal friends a break, and talk about how they like to get shitcanned drunk, just like us.  Granted, if some of you take that to the logical conclusion that the alcohol probably makes these cute little critters taste even better, we won’t stop you.

A Brief History of Animals Getting Drunk

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The World’s Saddest Cuisines: Latvia

“This is what you guys eat for dinner?  Great, now I’m hungry AND sad.”

~Tourists in Latvia

 latvian food

America, in case you didn’t get the memo, is better than all the rest of you wannabe country motherfuckers out there.  That’s just a basic truth, and if you disagree with it you’re either French or one of those jerkwads that writes those magazine articles about “happiness indexes.”  Why is America great?  Our education and health care system?  Okay, don’t be a sarcastic asshole, we’re asking a serious question here.  Well, many of you shouted all sorts of great things, like freedom, whiskey, and we’re pretty sure we heard someone shout “the world’s largest charcoal grill in Magnolia, Arkansas” which, um, that’s definitely unique but hey we’ll give it to you.

But if you ask us, of the many, many aspects of America we truly love, there’s one that tends to take a special place in our heart.  Well, yes, booze, but we’re talking about something that has a special place in our heart because it’s physically lodged there.  That’s right, America’s tradition of culinary excellence.  We make amazing food!  Horrifically unhealthy, sure, but amazing nonetheless.

Which is what brings us to our latest series here at AFFotD.  While America is clearly the pinnacle of the food world (sit down and shut up, France) there are other countries whose national cuisines, the food they grew up eating out of a sense of identity and history, are…well, pretty depressing.  So we’re going to take some time to tell you about countries who don’t just do food worse than us, they do food worse in us in a way that we don’t even want to make fun of them for it, we just feel kind of bad for the poor guys.  Plus, we’re totally going to make fun of them.

The World’s Saddest Cuisines:  Latvia

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The Craziest Nuclear Weapon Plans In American History

Welcome to New Russia, Comrades!

“Everything fine.  Did you hear that North Korea now make all men have same cut hair?  Very crazy.  Ignore Crimea.”

~American Fun Facts of Day Website?

 putin leering

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The American History of Mayonnaise

“I make my own mayonnaise.  I do this either because I am pretentiously gourmet, or because I am technically too fat to fit out my door and run to the grocery store.  You decide.”

~It’s the second one

Imagine a swimming pool filled with Mayonnaise.  No, seriously, picture it.  You can’t get it out of your head now, can you?  And be honest with us- you’ve never once thought about that.   You’ve never wondered to yourself, “I wonder what it would look like if you filled a swimming pool with Mayonnaise.”  And now you can’t stop thinking about it.  That is our gift to you.

Yes Mayo is an integral part of America’s culinary tradition.  While it shockingly was not invented in America, it clearly was invented ahead of its time, since it’s a product clearly meant for America.  Come on, it’s 85% fat, and has 700 calories for every 100 grams of it.  Holy hell, that’s glorious.  So we’re going to only touch on the European-y origins of this thing, and focus on…

The American History of Mayonnaise

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The Informative American’s Guide to Spotting Dirty Communists (originally published November, 1957)

“The only thing more terrifying than the Russian menace is the outward displays of homosexual behavior exhibited by my son.”

~The average American in 1957


America loves nostalgia, just so long as it only gets in the way of us making changes that cost a lot of money.  The power grid is horribly inefficient?  No need to spend hard earned booze-tax money to fix it, it reminds us of simpler times!  We can make air bags that make cars much saver?  Why do that, it’s needlessly costly and besides, we all love classic cars!  Baseball tickets used to be a dollar?  Fuck you, let’s gouge the shit out of everyone!

The point is, alcohol consumption is the leading cause of moments of nostalgia (as well as incorrectly informing people that you love them).  And this is America, so we’re drunk always (always).  And as we polished off our third keg of 20 year Pappy Van Winkle (special made just for our staff) we started to get bourbon nostalgic, which as you all know ages incredibly.  So we began looking through our stack of 1950’s articles from back when we were known as “The Informative American.”  We’ve previously shown you an example of our bi-weekly 1950’s publication, which pertained to parenting, but we were drawn specifically to a 1957 article we published regarding Communism.  More astutely, it was an informative guide for spotting out Communists in your local community.  Maybe it was the high priced liquor, but we felt like we needed to share with you this unique blend of paranoia, McCarthyism, and surprisingly blunt misogyny with you, the educated, inebriated 2011 reader.  So, without further ado, we present …

The Informative American’s Guide to Spotting Dirty Communists (originally published November, 1957)

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