“You hear me? I’m not fucking around with soccer this time, assholes!”
Everyone has a whipping boy. Bart Simpson has Milhouse, Linguini has spaghetti. America has Canada. AFFotD has…[REDACTED]. The last few times you’ve heard from him we strapped him to an operating table like a convicted rapist in the Clockwork Orange universe and made him live-blog some women’s soccer games. Yes, we are particularly cruel, but what would you expect from someone who made his AFFotD eating fucking vegan food?
But there’s only so much you can push someone before they snap. And we’ve seen enough drunken beach invasions to know what happens when [REDACTED] snaps on us. So we try to keep him happy. Throw him a bone once or twice.
Here’s a step-by-step description of [REDACTED]‘s Labor Day. It’s good to be the king.
“The only thing more terrifying than the Russian menace is the outward displays of homosexual behavior exhibited by my son.”
~The average American in 1957
America loves nostalgia, just so long as it only gets in the way of us making changes that cost a lot of money. The power grid is horribly inefficient? No need to spend hard earned booze-tax money to fix it, it reminds us of simpler times! We can make air bags that make cars much saver? Why do that, it’s needlessly costly and besides, we all love classic cars! Baseball tickets used to be a dollar? Fuck you, let’s gouge the shit out of everyone!
The point is, alcohol consumption is the leading cause of moments of nostalgia (as well as incorrectly informing people that you love them). And this is America, so we’re drunk always (always). And as we polished off our third keg of 20 year Pappy Van Winkle (special made just for our staff) we started to get bourbon nostalgic, which as you all know ages incredibly. So we began looking through our stack of 1950’s articles from back when we were known as “The Informative American.” We’ve previously shown you an example of our bi-weekly 1950’s publication, which pertained to parenting, but we were drawn specifically to a 1957 article we published regarding Communism. More astutely, it was an informative guide for spotting out Communists in your local community. Maybe it was the high priced liquor, but we felt like we needed to share with you this unique blend of paranoia, McCarthyism, and surprisingly blunt misogyny with you, the educated, inebriated 2011 reader. So, without further ado, we present …
The Informative American’s Guide to Spotting Dirty Communists (originally published November, 1957)