“You hear me? I’m not fucking around with soccer this time, assholes!”
Everyone has a whipping boy. Bart Simpson has Milhouse, Linguini has spaghetti. America has Canada. AFFotD has…[REDACTED]. The last few times you’ve heard from him we strapped him to an operating table like a convicted rapist in the Clockwork Orange universe and made him live-blog some women’s soccer games. Yes, we are particularly cruel, but what would you expect from someone who made his AFFotD eating fucking vegan food?
But there’s only so much you can push someone before they snap. And we’ve seen enough drunken beach invasions to know what happens when [REDACTED] snaps on us. So we try to keep him happy. Throw him a bone once or twice.
Here’s a step-by-step description of [REDACTED]‘s Labor Day. It’s good to be the king.
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“…I actually like holidays a bit myself.”
Back in the 2004, as we were relishing in the early-mid-aughties, a song came out that had lyrics we found particularly inspiring. “It’s so much better on holiday/ that’s why we only work/ when we need the money.” These American words, written by Franz Ferdinand (oh shit wait they’re from Glasgow, uh, shit shit uh, how about…) AC/DC really sum up the mindset of a nation that founded by a holiday (the 4th of July) and uses holidays to celebrate everything from the brutal subjugation of asshole natives who were acting like they owned the land they had lived on for generations (Columbus Day) to the brutal subjugation of asshole natives who had the audacity to try to tell us how to grow corn (Thanksgiving). You stick the seed in the ground, we’re pretty sure we can take it from here, now give us New York please.
Yeah that’s about right
Of course, the origins of holidays have very little to do with their American purpose. Cinco De Mayo used to be a mild celebration over a battle that the Mexican army won in 1862, but now it’s a way for us to celebrate getting drunk on Tequila while letting American school children worry school officials by wearing in-your-face American flag paraphernalia. In the long run, if it gets us out of work, or school, we don’t really care too much about the origin of holidays. Non-Christians that complain about the fact that they “have” to take a day off of work on Christmas are the grown-up equivalent of the nerdy kid in school who demands that the teacher give the class a pop quiz. No one has ever liked them, because they’re annoying, now take your free day and like it.
So with that in mind, and in honor of today being the Fourth of July, this week AFFotD will present for you a a week devoted to the discussion of the American qualities of each Holiday. We’re here to start with every Federal (ie, public offices are closed by it) holiday, and rank them in terms of their Americanness, from worst to first.
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Posted in America's Holidays
Tagged A Week of Holidays, AC/DC, America, Booze, Chaz Bono, Chris Pen, Cinco de Mayo, Columbus Day, Federal Holidays, Fourth of July, Franz Ferdinand, Holiday, Holidays, Inauguration Day, July 4th, Labor Day, New Year's, New York, POTUS, Thanksgiving, Whiskey