Tag Archives: Holidays

AFFotD’s Official 2017 Christmas Gift Guide

“Merry Christmas, here’s an iTunes gift card that still has like seven bucks left on it, and a bunch of scratch off tickets. By the way, if any of those lotto numbers hit, I get 50% of the winnings, that’s the law.”

~Your Stepdad

christmas

We were about to post an article about drunk presidents because, you know, that’s how we do, when we had the sudden realization that Christmas is only five days away. And like many of you reading this who love America but also whiskey but also maybe whiskey just a bit too much, this might come as shocking news, as you have not started your Christmas shopping yet. It’s okay, you’re not alone, but if you’re going to be lazy about when you go out to get gifts, you probably can’t get away with being lazy and just buying a bunch of gift cards.

That is why we’ve decided to bring up a few of the more popular gifts being given this Christmas to let you know if it’s a viable gift for that special person in your life.  Consider this our Christmas gift to you.  Because, um, otherwise, we didn’t get you anything yet.  We kind of waited till the last minute, and assumed this would be enough?

AFFotD’s Official 2017 Christmas Gift Guide

Continue reading

Advertisements

The Best Holiday Treats of Christmas

“Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!”

~Santa Claus, probably, right?  Maybe?

santa cookie

Today is Christmas Eve, that day where you silently complain about the fact that you had to use a vacation day in order to travel back home for the holidays.  For some, it’s an important part of the Christmas tradition, and for others, it’s a day you anxiously power through waiting expectantly for Christmas to finally show up.  And for most of us, it’s a day where oh shit you totally forgot to wrap your presents didn’t you, okay well you should get that shit down and chuck it under the tree before someone notices.

Now, a few days ago we told you about the worst Christmas treats out there.  There was reindeer poop and fruitcake and oh God figgy pudding why as well as a bunch of other horrific British concoctions and it was pretty much awful.  But hey, Christmas is tomorrow, some of you are working a half day or some nonsense like that, so let’s just talk about some Christmas treats that you’d actually want to eat instead.  Because America does actually know a thing or twelve about making Christmas delicious.

The Best Holiday Treats of Christmas

 snowman cookies Continue reading

The Worst Holiday Treats of Christmas

“Oh no.  Fruit Cake.”

~You, on Christmas

christmas cake

This week, we’re anxiously counting down the days for Christmas, a holiday you either love unconditionally or complain about at every opportunity while getting more and more pissed off each time someone calls you a “Grinch.”  “Shut up, I’m not a Grinch, I just don’t see why we’re making such a big deal about…” you start to say to your coworkers before being interrupted by the spontaneous Christmas caroling that just started because, God people, we know Christmas is almost here, that doesn’t mean you need to sing Jingle Bells” all fucking day, this is a place of work for fuck’s sake.

However, despite its detractors, most of us love Christmas, a time for family, friends, togetherness, and general Christmas cheer.  Everyone has their traditions, and while some of those traditions are stupid and racist, most are wholesome and do wonders to take your mind off the harsh winter, no seriously this winter’s going to be really bad goddamn it what did we do to deserve this.  And many of these traditions involve delicious sugary treats.

Where Thanksgiving is a holiday centered around savory goodness and no shut up we’re not going to be healthy about it, Christmas is by and large sweets-focused.  It’s assumed that you’ll eat and drink too much during Christmas, but unlike Thanksgiving, there’s a little more leeway for dinner.  Ham?  Fine!  Turkey?   Sounds good!  A roast beef covered in cigarette butts?  Goddamn it, Uncle Bert, we told you no smoking in the house, why the fuck did you think that putting your spent cigs in the oven was the best way to cover your tracks?  But a Christmas without sweet candy treats is hardly a Christmas at all, unless you’re someone who happens to not be Christian, in which case you still celebrate Christmas because let’s be real this shit is pretty damn secular by this point, and you’re getting the day off of work for it, so quit your bellyaching.

While some of these treats are delightful and delicious (stay tuned for our Christmas Eve article) some are…well.  You know.  Bad.

The Worst Holiday Treats of Christmas

oh god fruitcake Continue reading

Today in American History: Memorial Days of American History

“In honor of the sacrifice of our men and women overseas, you don’t have to work on Monday, freeing up Sunday for a drunken barbeque.”

 ~The Constitution, probably

memorial day

This Monday is Memorial Day, the national holiday where we remember the men and women who have died while serving in the Armed Forces by taking advantage of a three-day weekend right around the time that the weather starts finally getting warm.  There’s beer, family, friends, barbecues, and we think this is the one where you’re allowed to start wearing white as opposed to the one where you should stop wearing white.

So on this particular Memorial Day, we decided to dig through the nation’s history and give you an insight into important events that have happened on Memorial Days of the past during the handful of times where we’ve managed to do something besides spilling light beer on our American flag grilling aprons.

Today in American History:  Memorial Days of American History

bald eagle flag america Continue reading

AFFotD Presents a Week of American Holidays (Part Five)

“I don’t care what we’re celebrating, are you supposed to get shitty?  Yes?  GOOD.”

~America


As we’ve been seeing the past couple of days, America has shitload of Holidays.  There are national holidays, and there are the “lesser” holidays that aren’t nationally observed, but still get people out of work sometimes.  However, sometimes you have to work on a Holiday, and while that’s unfortunate, it’s more than made up for the fact that these holidays are little more than veiled excuses to drink heavily.

Pictured above:  Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day

So it is with this in mind that we delve into the last subset of American holidays- the American holidays that don’t give you a day off, but are nationally celebrated.  As always, these are ranked from least-to-most American.

Continue reading

AFFotD Presents a Week of American Holidays (Part Four)

“Good Friday doesn’t count THAT much, does it?”

~Jesus

As we saw in yesterday’s post, there are a surprising amount of Holidays that occur throughout America, ranging from “Well that’s just stupid” to “Oh I guess I’ve heard of that.”  In honor of this week being the week of America’s fucking birthday, we’re continuing our five part feature on Holidays in America.  Continuing onward…

Continue reading

AFFotD Presents a Week of American Holidays (Part Three)

“Who even gives a shit about August 26th being Women’s Equality Day, huh?  What kind of bullshit is that?

~National Dog Day, which occurs on August 26th

As we saw in yesterday’s Fun Fact, Holidays are pretty cool.  Even the lame holidays are fine in our book, so long as we get a day off from them.  However, there are many holidays in America that you can get the day off in certain parts of the country, but not everywhere else, mainly because Alabama wants to act all douchey by giving a day off for “Confederacy Day.”

Yeah, that makes sense.  “Oh, we lost a war, let’s reward ourselves with a day off from school.”  That’d be like England taking a day off to celebrate losing the Revolutionary War, only the Brits would at least have the good sense to call it the, “Oh Blimey, We Bollocks Up the Wanker With This One” Day or whatever the fuck because everything that British people say sounds fucking ridiculous.

“Oh I hobgobbed the  wobbler in the lift with the wassbots, blah blah Fish and Chips.”  We’re pretty sure she just ordered a bomb strike on Grenada with that sentence.

With that in mind, AFFotD is here to continue our discussion of American Holidays, with a look at some of the more tenuous excuses to give people a day off from school around the nation.  This list, as always will be in order of least American to most American. Continue reading

AFFotD Presents a Week of American Holidays (Part Two)

“Two days off in a row is sort of cutting it a little close, though…”

~Still your boss

As we discussed in yesterday’s fun fact, this week will be devoted to discussing the importance of Holidays in American culture.  We’re going to keep that going today with the most American Federal Holidays that you don’t have to go to work for, because America’s got your back.

Continue reading

Happy 4th of July, AFFotD Presents a Week of Holidays (Part One)

“…I actually like holidays a bit myself.”

~Your boss


Back in the 2004, as we were relishing in the early-mid-aughties, a song came out that had lyrics we found particularly inspiring.  “It’s so much better on holiday/ that’s why we only work/ when we need the money.”  These American words, written by Franz Ferdinand (oh shit wait they’re from Glasgow, uh, shit shit uh, how about…) AC/DC really sum up the mindset of a nation that founded by a holiday (the 4th of July) and uses holidays to celebrate everything from the brutal subjugation of asshole natives who were acting like they owned the land they had lived on for generations (Columbus Day) to the brutal subjugation of asshole natives who had the audacity to try to tell us how to grow corn (Thanksgiving).  You stick the seed in the ground, we’re pretty sure we can take it from here, now give us New York please.

Yeah that’s about right

Of course, the origins of holidays have very little to do with their American purpose.  Cinco De Mayo used to be a mild celebration over a battle that the Mexican army won in 1862, but now it’s a way for us to celebrate getting drunk on Tequila while letting American school children worry school officials by wearing in-your-face American flag paraphernalia.  In the long run, if it gets us out of work, or school, we don’t really care too much about the origin of holidays.  Non-Christians that complain about the fact that they “have” to take a day off of work on Christmas are the grown-up equivalent of the nerdy kid in school who demands that the teacher give the class a pop quiz.  No one has ever liked them, because they’re annoying, now take your free day and like it.

Or else

So with that in mind, and in honor of today being the Fourth of July, this week AFFotD will present for you a a week devoted to the discussion of the American qualities of each Holiday.  We’re here to start with every Federal (ie, public offices are closed by it) holiday, and rank them in terms of their Americanness, from worst to first.

Continue reading