Tag Archives: Christmas

AFFotD’s Official 2017 Christmas Gift Guide

Posted on December 20, 2017 | 1 comment

“Merry Christmas, here’s an iTunes gift card that still has like seven bucks left on it, and a bunch of scratch off tickets. By the way, if any of those lotto numbers hit, I get 50% of the winnings, that’s the law.”

~Your Stepdad

christmas

We were about to post an article about drunk presidents because, you know, that’s how we do, when we had the sudden realization that Christmas is only five days away. And like many of you reading this who love America but also whiskey but also maybe whiskey just a bit too much, this might come as shocking news, as you have not started your Christmas shopping yet. It’s okay, you’re not alone, but if you’re going to be lazy about when you go out to get gifts, you probably can’t get away with being lazy and just buying a bunch of gift cards.

That is why we’ve decided to bring up a few of the more popular gifts being given this Christmas to let you know if it’s a viable gift for that special person in your life.  Consider this our Christmas gift to you.  Because, um, otherwise, we didn’t get you anything yet.  We kind of waited till the last minute, and assumed this would be enough?

AFFotD’s Official 2017 Christmas Gift Guide

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The Eggnog Riot Happened, And Was Absurd

Posted on September 1, 2015 | Leave a comment

“Ain’t no party like a West Point party ‘cause a West Point party’s got drunks.”

~Jefferson Davis

eggnog riot

As long as there has been Christmas, there have been Christmas parties.  And as long as there have been Christmas parties, there have been Christmas parties where you wake up the next morning thinking ugh, what have I done?  But we can say with relative certainty that even your worst drunken office shenanigans paled in comparison to what happened at the United States military Academy in West Point on 1826 because, as much as you shouldn’t have made out with your office’s married secretary, at least you never had a Christmas party go so bad it caused a fucking mutinous riot.  Let’s talk history, people.

The Eggnog Riot Happened, And Was Absurd

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The Best Holiday Treats of Christmas

Posted on December 24, 2014 | Leave a comment

“Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!”

~Santa Claus, probably, right?  Maybe?

santa cookie

Today is Christmas Eve, that day where you silently complain about the fact that you had to use a vacation day in order to travel back home for the holidays.  For some, it’s an important part of the Christmas tradition, and for others, it’s a day you anxiously power through waiting expectantly for Christmas to finally show up.  And for most of us, it’s a day where oh shit you totally forgot to wrap your presents didn’t you, okay well you should get that shit down and chuck it under the tree before someone notices.

Now, a few days ago we told you about the worst Christmas treats out there.  There was reindeer poop and fruitcake and oh God figgy pudding why as well as a bunch of other horrific British concoctions and it was pretty much awful.  But hey, Christmas is tomorrow, some of you are working a half day or some nonsense like that, so let’s just talk about some Christmas treats that you’d actually want to eat instead.  Because America does actually know a thing or twelve about making Christmas delicious.

The Best Holiday Treats of Christmas

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The Worst Holiday Treats of Christmas

Posted on December 22, 2014 | 1 comment

“Oh no.  Fruit Cake.”

~You, on Christmas

christmas cake

This week, we’re anxiously counting down the days for Christmas, a holiday you either love unconditionally or complain about at every opportunity while getting more and more pissed off each time someone calls you a “Grinch.”  “Shut up, I’m not a Grinch, I just don’t see why we’re making such a big deal about…” you start to say to your coworkers before being interrupted by the spontaneous Christmas caroling that just started because, God people, we know Christmas is almost here, that doesn’t mean you need to sing “Jingle Bells” all fucking day, this is a place of work for fuck’s sake.

However, despite its detractors, most of us love Christmas, a time for family, friends, togetherness, and general Christmas cheer.  Everyone has their traditions, and while some of those traditions are stupid and racist, most are wholesome and do wonders to take your mind off the harsh winter, no seriously this winter’s going to be really bad goddamn it what did we do to deserve this.  And many of these traditions involve delicious sugary treats.

Where Thanksgiving is a holiday centered around savory goodness and no shut up we’re not going to be healthy about it, Christmas is by and large sweets-focused.  It’s assumed that you’ll eat and drink too much during Christmas, but unlike Thanksgiving, there’s a little more leeway for dinner.  Ham?  Fine!  Turkey?   Sounds good!  A roast beef covered in cigarette butts?  Goddamn it, Uncle Bert, we told you no smoking in the house, why the fuck did you think that putting your spent cigs in the oven was the best way to cover your tracks?  But a Christmas without sweet candy treats is hardly a Christmas at all, unless you’re someone who happens to not be Christian, in which case you still celebrate Christmas because let’s be real this shit is pretty damn secular by this point, and you’re getting the day off of work for it, so quit your bellyaching.

While some of these treats are delightful and delicious (stay tuned for our Christmas Eve article) some are…well.  You know.  Bad.

The Worst Holiday Treats of Christmas

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AFFotD Archives: The 10 Greatest Christmas Movies Of All Time, A Drinking Game

Posted on December 16, 2014 | Leave a comment

Note from Johnny Roosevelt, Editor-in-Chief of AFFotD.com

With the holiday season upon us, we decided today would be as good of a time as any to dig up one of our old favorite Christmas articles to share with you.  This article, originally from 2012, still rings true today, and if you don’t watch at least three of these movies while getting plastered this Christmas, you clearly don’t love your family enough.

——————————————————————————————————————-

“Ca-ching!”

~TV Executives during Christmas film re-runs season

snowman

Christmas is a time of family and nostalgia.  Well, liquor as well.  And definitely presents.  Okay, so Christmas is a time of liquor and presents.  Still, nostalgia and family play an important part, and every family tends to have their own Christmas movie that they watch each year to get them in the holiday spirit.  Sure, you occasionally might see some terrifyingly misguided attempts to be “hip” to cash in on the holiday season, but no matter how many shitty country music stars you put in front of a live audience, the classic films we grew up with are what really give us our holiday cheer each and every year.

With Christmas right around the corner (AGHH!  ONE WEEK YOU GUYS!), we decided to count down the greatest Christmas films to ever come out of this fair country.  But, since everyone uses the holiday season as a flimsy excuse to drive their page views by coming up with a gimmicky top-ten Christmas film list, we decided we’d get to the true heart of the holiday season—getting drunk.  After all, drinking games bring American families together even better than classic holiday films, so why not combine these two wonderful traditions to help bring each and every family drunkenly closer together?  With that yuletide spirit in mind, make sure to put some extra bourbon in your already-spiked eggnog, and join us as we regale you with…

The 10 Greatest Christmas Movies Of All Time Drinking Game

 christmas tree

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The Mountain’s Holiday Shirt Collection (Part 2)

Posted on December 10, 2013 | Leave a comment

“Let’s see them sleigh bells ring-a-ling, jing-jing-jing-a-ling too/  Come on it’s a lovely weather for WHO ARE YOU YOU ARE FULL OF SPIDERS I AM BECOME DEATH DESTROYER OF METH.”

~The Mountain’s Most Recent Holiday Jingle

yeti tank

Last week, we could barely contain our excitement that The Mountain had released a holiday collection, combining Christmas cheer with the best shirts for absorbing Robitussin stains.  Any time we get an opportunity to write snarky-but-honestly-we-love-them-so-it’s-all-in-jest articles about Big Face Animal shirts is a special occasion for us, so you can only imagine how thrilled we were to open our email to see the following message greeting us after last week’s post.

mountain

Again, to members of The Mountain reading this, we’re not above accepting free samples.

Anyway, as previously mentioned, the glory of The Mountain’s holiday collection could not dare be contained in a single fun fact, so we’re here to double your pleasure, and double your fun, or at least double your desire to find the nearest gas station that still sells Sparks.  And to you readers out there, if you see a shirt you un-ironically (or, for many of you, let’s be honest here, ironically) want to purchase, feel free to email us asking for the URL that we literally put in the first sentence of our article.  No, seriously, do that, it would make our day.

Ahem.  Shirts.

The Mountain’s Holiday Shirt Collection (Part 2)

orangutan shirt

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The Mountain’s Holiday Shirt Collection

Posted on December 4, 2013 | 1 comment

“Dashing through the snow, taking all the meth, look at these T-shirts, they truly are the best, HO HO HO!”

~Official Holiday Jingle Of The Mountain

jesus mountain shirt

We love The Mountain, purveyors of the Three Wolf Moon shirt and Big Face Animal shirts.  We’ve taken it upon ourselves to show off their designs every time they release a new collection, because there’s nothing more fashionable than a giant both-realistic-and-cartoonish-at-the-same-time face bursting out of your chest, and we love wearing shirts that encourage us to spill booze and chicken grease on ourselves without feeling an iota of shame or remorse.

So do we have a treat for you.  With Thanksgiving in the rear view mirror, Christmas just a few short weeks away, and Hanukkah oh God Hanukkah has already started you might have to pay extra for overnight shipping to make sure you can order these shirts for your family in time, what better holiday gift can you hope for than the latest “available in size XXXL” offering from our favorite insane T-shirt makers?

The Mountain’s Holiday Shirt Collection

sloth

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The 10 Greatest Christmas Movies Of All Time: The Drinking Game

Posted on December 18, 2012 | 12 comments

“Ca-ching!”

~TV Executives during Christmas film re-runs season

snowman

Christmas is a time of family and nostalgia.  Well, liquor as well.  And definitely presents.  Okay, so Christmas is a time of liquor and presents.  Still, nostalgia and family play an important part, and every family tends to have their own Christmas movie that they watch each year to get them in the holiday spirit.

Sure, you occasionally might see some terrifyingly misguided attempts to be “hip” to cash in on the holiday season, but no matter how many shitty country music stars you put in front of a live audience, the classic films we grew up with are what really give us our holiday cheer each and every year.

With Christmas right around the corner (AGHH!  ONE WEEK YOU GUYS!), we decided to count down the greatest Christmas films to ever come out of this fair country.  But, since everyone uses the holiday season as a flimsy excuse to drive their page views by coming up with a gimmicky top-ten Christmas film list, we decided we’d get to the true heart of the holiday season—getting drunk.

After all, drinking games bring American families together even better than classic holiday films, so why not combine these two wonderful traditions to help bring each and every family drunkenly closer together?  With that yuletide spirit in mind, make sure to put some extra bourbon in your already-spiked eggnog, and join us as we regale you with…

The 10 Greatest Christmas Movies Of All Time Drinking Game

 christmas tree

Continue reading →

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America’s Most (Awesomely) Dangerous Toys

Posted on December 12, 2012 | 2 comments

“Well, if I wanted to buy you goggles, I’d not be able to buy you these extra heavy BBs for the gun!  Now let’s go play William Tell again.  You get the apple.”

~The world’s best Step-dad! 

 gun kids

The Christmas season is upon us, a time when friends and families get together and prove their love and devotion to each other by going on amazon.com to buy them things that were specifically asked for.  Christmas is an especially magical time for American children, one where they are regaled with stories of fat omnipotent geriatrics who watch their every move before breaking into their houses and doling out the appropriate bribe to ensure their ongoing good behavior, where they get to watch Claymation specials that teach them that it’s alright for dentists to be homosexuals, and they get to learn what daddy is like when he gets holiday drunk.

Of course, the main thing that children love about Christmas is the presents, because holy shit it’s a Furby!  Yes, this is a wonderful time to be a child, or a large multinational toy retailer, but it also is a season fraught with hidden dangers.  But, for every Tomagotchi, there’s a toy that’s basically the playtime equivalent of a rusty nail with an extra helping of tetanus.  And we love those toys.  Seriously, if you get through childhood without a few permanent scars (mental or physical are acceptable) then you’re doing it wrong.  That’s why we’re here to tell you about…

America’s Most (Awesomely) Dangerous Toys

motorbike kid

“Helmets are for pussies!”

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Rudolph the Motherfucking Reindeer

Posted on December 23, 2011 | 4 comments

“But do you recall, the most badass, American reindeer of all?”

~Burt Ives

When your profession consists of being American, and spreading your Americanness across the expanse of the internet, it’s easy to let the holiday season slip away.  That’s why we have the most expensive, badass advent calendar ever created at our America Fun Fact of the Day offices, so that the hard workers of the AFFotD can spend their December being showered in sports cars, caviar, and IOUs for sexual favors from Hollywood’s most attractive stars and starlets.  We started things off with a bang on December 1st.  Literally, when our official Creepy AFFotD Office Guy, Steve Buscemi opened the door, a midget was shot out of a cannon right into his stomach.  It was hilarious, Steve made a woodchipper in Fargo joke, and the midget complained about how hungry and weak he felt after being trapped in that cannon without food for like three weeks.

Anyway, we could go on about how badass and American this advent calendar was, or about its hefty price tag, or about that time that a Bruce Springsteen concert was our advent for December 14th, but that’d be getting ahead of things.  Today, our advent was the ability to meet, and talk to, the one animal associated with Christmas that is more American than Santa Claus eating a KFC Double Down while participating in a fight club in International Waters.  We almost didn’t recognize him when he sprang out, decked in camouflage fatigues, smoking a ten inch cigar and violently headbutting a Russian repeatedly in the groin.  But when the comrade collapsed, blacking out from the pain, we saw the beast’s unmistakable, glorious red, glowing nose.

It was Rudolph the motherfucking reindeer.

“Sup girl.  How you livin?”

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