Tag Archives: Toys

America’s Most (Awesomely) Dangerous Toys

“Well, if I wanted to buy you goggles, I’d not be able to buy you these extra heavy BBs for the gun!  Now let’s go play William Tell again.  You get the apple.”

~The world’s best Step-dad! 

 gun kids

The Christmas season is upon us, a time when friends and families get together and prove their love and devotion to each other by going on amazon.com to buy them things that were specifically asked for.  Christmas is an especially magical time for American children, one where they are regaled with stories of fat omnipotent geriatrics who watch their every move before breaking into their houses and doling out the appropriate bribe to ensure their ongoing good behavior, where they get to watch Claymation specials that teach them that it’s alright for dentists to be homosexuals, and they get to learn what daddy is like when he gets holiday drunk.

Of course, the main thing that children love about Christmas is the presents, because holy shit it’s a Furby!  Yes, this is a wonderful time to be a child, or a large multinational toy retailer, but it also is a season fraught with hidden dangers.  But, for every Tomagotchi, there’s a toy that’s basically the playtime equivalent of a rusty nail with an extra helping of tetanus.  And we love those toys.  Seriously, if you get through childhood without a few permanent scars (mental or physical are acceptable) then you’re doing it wrong.  That’s why we’re here to tell you about…

America’s Most (Awesomely) Dangerous Toys

motorbike kid

“Helmets are for pussies!”

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The Grand! Prize! Game!

“Who wants to play…the GRAND PRIZE GAME!?”

~Ummm how about EVERYBODY

Many Americans who were not terrified of clowns grew up watching Bozo.  He was funny, original, and just an E away from being Booze.  But of all the catchphrases and gags from the Bozo Show, one aspect sticks out as the most American game that every child wanted to play.

That’s right.

The Grand Prize Game!

That child just tossed money at the buckets while saying, “Go clean yourself up.”

The Grand Prize game is so unabashedly American its buckets have been used for waterboarding.  The Grand Prize Game is such a fantastical icon we’re honestly afraid to do a google search and see if it’s been rule 34’d yet…

Oh Goddamn it!

Yup, the Grand Prize Game was the glorious prize game that everyone wanted to play.  Some of you might even have met people who got to participate in the Grand Prize Game, and that literally made them celebrities in your mind.

So, in respect of the a game so great it has “grand” right there in the damn name, here is…

AFFotD’s Breakdown of the American Qualities of the Grand Prize Game

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