“Well, if I wanted to buy you goggles, I’d not be able to buy you these extra heavy BBs for the gun! Now let’s go play William Tell again. You get the apple.”
~The world’s best Step-dad!
The Christmas season is upon us, a time when friends and families get together and prove their love and devotion to each other by going on amazon.com to buy them things that were specifically asked for. Christmas is an especially magical time for American children, one where they are regaled with stories of fat omnipotent geriatrics who watch their every move before breaking into their houses and doling out the appropriate bribe to ensure their ongoing good behavior, where they get to watch Claymation specials that teach them that it’s alright for dentists to be homosexuals, and they get to learn what daddy is like when he gets holiday drunk.
Of course, the main thing that children love about Christmas is the presents, because holy shit it’s a Furby! Yes, this is a wonderful time to be a child, or a large multinational toy retailer, but it also is a season fraught with hidden dangers. But, for every Tomagotchi, there’s a toy that’s basically the playtime equivalent of a rusty nail with an extra helping of tetanus. And we love those toys. Seriously, if you get through childhood without a few permanent scars (mental or physical are acceptable) then you’re doing it wrong. That’s why we’re here to tell you about…
America’s Most (Awesomely) Dangerous Toys
“Helmets are for pussies!”