“Who wants to play…the GRAND PRIZE GAME!?”
~Ummm how about EVERYBODY
Many Americans who were not terrified of clowns grew up watching Bozo. He was funny, original, and just an E away from being Booze. But of all the catchphrases and gags from the Bozo Show, one aspect sticks out as the most American game that every child wanted to play.
The Grand Prize Game!
That child just tossed money at the buckets while saying, “Go clean yourself up.”
The Grand Prize game is so unabashedly American its buckets have been used for waterboarding. The Grand Prize Game is such a fantastical icon we’re honestly afraid to do a google search and see if it’s been rule 34’d yet…
Oh Goddamn it!
Yup, the Grand Prize Game was the glorious prize game that everyone wanted to play. Some of you might even have met people who got to participate in the Grand Prize Game, and that literally made them celebrities in your mind.
So, in respect of the a game so great it has “grand” right there in the damn name, here is…
AFFotD’s Breakdown of the American Qualities of the Grand Prize Game
1. The Grand Prize Game subconsciously trained Americans to become Beer Pong assassins…TO SAVE THE WORLD
It is a common assumption that when the alien invasion happens, it will occur in a Space Jam like setting where we will be challenged to a competitive event with the fate of our planet on the line. That’s going to happen. And that is why for years, the government has slowly been ensuring that each subsequent generation brings forth super-athletes that can win any competitive battle. America produces the greatest baseball, basketball, and football players, conveniently ignoring soccer because if we had to play a game of soccer to secure our fate, we’d rather be enslaved. Ugh. Ninety minutes of watching white people run in circles so we can call it a tie at the end of the game? Get that shit out of our house.
While it was remarkably easy to encourage people to excel at athletics (just ask any Varsity quarterback’s junk) other skill games required some more subversive tactics. According to incredibly classified government documents, which we’ll share with you right now because, eh, most of the Alien civilizations primed to invade Earth happen to be very good at drinking games. That’s why the Grand Prize Game was started on the Bozo Show- so we could establish a link between “throwing ping pong balls into cups from a distance” and “getting rewarded.”
And sure enough, after 40 years, America are now the most cutting edge nation in both beer pong techniques, as well as trick shots.
You might think it’s silly, but you’ll be thanking us when we defeat the Griznorian Beer Pong Squad.
2. You get a fucking red wagon just for PLAYING.
You don’t even have to earn it! They just give you the wagon, and they put all your prizes on it. Wagons are the easiest forgotten American item. Honestly, when was the last time you thought about wagons? It’s been a while, right? But wagons are American. They carry our children. They carry our dogs. They carry supplies from farmer markets, or whatever the moonshine equivalent of a farmer market would be. Everything is better when a red wagon is included, is what we’re saying.
3. Toy? TOYS!
The Grand Prize Game is the reason why we can come up with the term “Toy orgy” and you would know exactly what implications we are trying to make. Every child playing the Grand Prize Game, even the ones who sucked and couldn’t get past two buckets because they “were four years old” and “had no idea they were on TV” end up getting a Mighty Max playset, a game of Twister, and a year’s supply of Skittles. These kids that got to be on the Grand Prize Game were making it rain Legos. They had enough Playskool figures to create malleable army. And don’t get us started on the Batmobile toys they could win.
America loves blind consumerism, and nothing makes us more blindly consumerist than being showered with free shit at a young age for learning how to toss a ping pong ball into a bucket. It’s America is what it is.
4. Leaning in to make the game easier (which is technically not cheating)
Work is hard. So is learning. That’s why the truly great Grand Prize Game players learned quickly how to leaaaaan forward as much as you can, so you’re basically dropping the ball into the bucket. We’re not saying it’s classy, we’re not saying it’s fair. We’re saying that, when it comes to winning free shit, classy and fair have nothing to do with it. It’s dog eat dog out there. Frankly, we’re more upset at the kids who waste their chance on the Grand Prize Game by just half assing a toss and being satisfied with the Lite-Brite set.
So today, as you go on your American way, if you see any buckets lined up with a ping pong ball…well you know what to do. Do it for glory. Do it for American. But mainly, just do it for kickass prizes.