“OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM”
Assuming you’re trying to “keep sober” because your “doctor said he was worried about you” and “your family hired someone to watch over your house and make sure you don’t start chugging bottles of Listerine,” what are the next two ways you can show your love for America without listening to the delirium tremens elephant’s advice to “kill them all and drink their rum”? That’s right, loyal, blind consumerism, and over eating. Something like, oh, we don’t know, eating thousands of the same unhealthy food product repeatedly for almost 40 years?
As you can see from Eric Clapton in the movie “The Rutgles” Don Gorske pictured above, who on May 17th of 2011 officially ate his 25,000th Big Mac hamburger. To put that in perspective, over the past 39 years he usually eats two Big Macs a day (but there are days when he has eaten more) and he has only “missed” a day eight times. We’re not good with math, but we’re fairly sure that 25,000 Big Macs, if consumed once a daywould take one thousand years to eat.
Mr. Gorske admits he probably has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but that he “doesn’t consider it a problem” which is what some of our staff members have been trying to say about that whole alcoholism thing. Diseases don’t count when they’re American, dammit.
To get a sense of Gorske’s creepy commitment to a single item on the menu of one massive American corporation, we feel we must emphasize that of the handful of days where he has not eaten a Big Mac, one was because it was “the day that his mother died, and he did not eat a Big Mac to respect her request.” That’s right. His dying mother took him by the hand and said, “Please, son, stop eating Big Macs.”
His mother looked suspiciously like Morgan Spurlock in a wig, come to think of it…
After having his mother’s dying wish be that her son stop eating those damn Big Macs, he was able to quit…for one day. The other times he’s missed out on his burger cravings have been due to one day driving on Thanksgiving with no open McDonald’s, and several days where McDonald’s have not opened due to snow, or when he has had to work past midnight at his job. To ensure these don’t repeat themselves, he keeps Big Macs in the freezer to use in emergencies.
Yes. That’s right. He has an Emergency stash of Big Macs. We’ve seen heroin addicts who didn’t have as many contingency plans.
And honestly, that’s what you should take away from this story. If this man did 25,000 of most things, including Big Macs, you’d assume it would kill him eventually. But not Gorske. Which proves that either Gorske is incredibly American, or that Hamburgers are some sort of magical consequence free food.
Possibly both. Possibly both…