Tag Archives: Hamburger

The Best (And Weirdest) New Fried Foods At the 2015 Iowa and Minnesota State Fairs

“My…heart…tell my family…I died happy…”

~Iowa and Minnesota State Fair Food Critic

fried chicken

Here at America Fun Fact of the Day, we take great pride in the American practice of taking a (usually unhealthy) food and dunking it in bubbling oil until it becomes a borderline public health risk.  And as much as we love fried food, we also love its brother, random unhealthy shit we decided to make for a State Fair.  Most fried food innovations come from our State Fairs, which follows the fairly American logic of “well if we’re going to try to force Americans to get outside and walk around, we should probably entice them with the ability to eat a deep fried version of something they’ve never eaten fried before.”

2015 has been no exception to this rule, with the Iowa and Minnesota state fairs coming out with lists of their brand new, never seen before unhealthy food items that we are so excited to try as an excuse to test out that new defibrillator we just bought.  Oh, and we might as well let you know about some of the more ridiculous ones too.

The Best (Or Weirdest) New Fried Foods At the 2015 Iowa and Minnesota State Fairs

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Goddamn it, Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong: Japanese McDonald’s

“It’s not the worst we’ve seen…in fact it’s the best.  That’s why it’s so troubling.”

~Internal Memo to AFFotD’s ‘Goddamn it Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong’ Staff

Its actually from Richie Rich guys, trust us on this one okay

We’re going to be honest here.  When we decided to do our latest “Goddamn it, Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong” segment on McDonald’s in Japan, we were really worried.  Hell, we’ve already told you about McDonald’s in Japan was only so happy to follow Burger King off into the “black-burger-buns” abyss last year, so we anticipated a lot of terrifying concoctions.  Google’s translation of the official Japanese McDonald’s website didn’t do much more to instill any confidence in us.

what

Um.  What?

And we went through the menu items, and the limited time items, and all that Japan McDonald’s has to offer, and what we found was…strangely not as terrifying as we feared.  The Cheese Tsukimi Burger is a chicken patty, which is boring but whatever, with two slices of bacon, a fried egg, cheddar cheese, and a ketchup/mayo sauce that we’d actually eat!  Japan manage to avoid every bad impulse they had to put pineapple on their Hawaiian Burger, and instead went with a ¼ pound burger with egg, bacon, cheese, and a bun topped with grated cheese, which sounds kind of great!  In fact, Japanese McDonald’s manages to create a surprisingly varied menu where most items look pretty tasty, and with most only going into “sorta weird, but not gross weird” territories of like, a hamburger with pastrami on it, or a savory version of the apple pie filled with bacon and potato.  We’d try those out of hesitant curiosity, as opposed to what we normally cover in our articles on Japan, which is foods we’d try out of masochistic fear.

But this is Goddamn it, Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong, goddamn it.  And we have a reputation to maintain.  So yes, McDonald’s in Japan is largely interesting, and seems to be slightly more upscale than what we’re used to here in America, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have terrifying, horrific duds in their expansive menu.

Goddamn it, Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong:  Japanese McDonald’s

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The (Terrifying) Black-Bun Burgers of the World

Nope nope nope nope nope nope.”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

black burgers oh no

Depending on what non-affotd corners of the internet you choose to spend your free time perusing, you might have heard recently about Burger King ramping up the gross factor on their food by offering a black bun, black cheese burger called the Kuro, or Black burger.  This burger re-issue (yes, they tried it before, more on that later) used squid ink and bamboo charcoal to create an all-black burger.  Black cheese, black ketchup, black soul are combined for fast food connoisseurs in Japan (because of course this is happening in Japan), leading to a whole slew of internet chatter of “lol, Japan is crazy” (which, duh) and “ew, this looks gross so I tried it oh by the way I’m also a white 24-year-old living in Japan currently while maintaining a blog about my travels.”

What we find most surprising about this burger has nothing to do with its mere existence.  When talking about Japan, nothing surprises us anymore.  No, upon doing some digging, we discovered that Japan’s Burger King does not have a monopoly on this particular brand of culinary insanity.  So, get ready to see a lot of unappetizing pictures of a type of food you once loved, because we’re going to delve into…

The (Terrifying) Black-Bun Burgers of the World

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Food Items America Has Launched Into Space

“Space is AWESOME!”

~Every American child

galaxy

When you were a child, you’d look up at the stars and say, “Space is awesome!”  Now, when you look up at the stars, you’ll either say, “Space is fucking awesome!” or, most likely, “Make everything stop spinning, oh God I’m gonna be sick, I shouldn’t have had that last shot.”  And America, being awesome and having a particular interest in claiming awesome things for themselves, have never been shy about our aspirations to get out into the stars.  Adjusted for inflation, we’ve spent roughly $790 billion since NASA opened up shop in 1958, an amount of money commonly referred to as, “Shut up, stupid, that’s not too much money, space is awesome.”

From Alan Shepard’s first suborbital flight to Sandra Bullock’s conversation with an Inuit, Americans have done more in space than any other nation.  And while experiments, and feats of courage, and lunar travels are all well and good, there’s one thing we’re most concerned about.

What kinds of food have we shot out into space?

Dammit, this is important.  No, we don’t care about your science, we want to know what kind of food people have shot up into space.  This is important.  Shut up, this is important.

Food Items America Has Launched Into Space

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The Ten Most Caloric Burgers In The World

“I think my heart attack is having a heart attack.”

~Oh God, Ordering Seconds Was A Horrible Idea

thats a giant burger

Many foreigners visiting America find themselves surprised at the amount of relatively fit and attractive people they can see on the street.  In their mind, the typical American is fat, trudging around in clogs with grease stains on their shirt, probably eating a whole pizza right out of the box while they’re walking to the gun store.  Instead, they find that Americans come in all shapes and sizes, and as much as restaurant portions seem larger than they’re used to, and the bread tastes much sweeter than anticipated, America’s culture of excess is largely confined to a very small but visible minority of people and restaurateurs who are fucking insane and are hellbent on cramming as many calories into your maw as is humanly possible before your heart explodes and showers the room with bacon bits like some Lovecraftian horror version of a piñata.

Naturally, our job is to help spread the gospel of this brave minority, these innovators who find ways to put a week’s worth of calories on a plate in front of you, these soldiers of fortune who push us to new limits, pushing our faces down into greasy heaps saying “eat your slop little piggies eat your slop!”  And while we do our best to make each meal as unhealthy as possible using a variety of methods, one of the most time-honored and respected approaches involves the creation of hamburgers so excessive and absurd that the mere sight of them is enough to drive nutritionists to commit hara-kiri.

But we’re no amateurs.  Sure, we could tell you about people who go to fast food restaurants and construct their own caloric monstrosities, or we could point out various chain restaurants’ burgers that double your daily allotment of fat,  but that’s child’s play.  If you really want to grab our attention, you’ve got to make something so obscene that even our own staff would have to take pause before diving in.  But dive in we shall, because this is America, and we’ve always wondered if heart attacks really are as painful as they make it look on TV.

The Ten Most Caloric Burgers In The World

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The 10 Messiest Burgers In America

“I mean, how do I…finish this?  It’s EVERYWHERE.”

~Consumers of the following

messy burger

Hamburgers are a wonderful.  We’ve often explained why in great detail.  We’ve searched around for the largest in the world. Hell, we’ve even unleashed our wallets to let you know the most expensive burgers in the world.  Hamburgers are wonderful.

That past paragraph was technically a palindrome.

Anyway, as much as we love hamburgers, America loves them even more, which is why there are millions of variations of the suckers out there to clog your arteries.  Some are fancy, some are plain.  Some are tofu.  All are delicious.  Except for tofu burgers, you get that right the hell out of our face, eat yourself a nice rare steak, and write us a 4,000 word essay on why you are bad and should feel bad.  No, we’re serious, go home and think about what you’ve done.  We’ll wait.

Ahem.

Of course, as we can see with doughnut burgers, Americans love their burgers unhealthy and sloppy.  That’s why we’ve decided to scour the google internet our contact list the nation, on foot, forming painful blisters from thousands of traversed miles to find you the sloppiest, messiest burgers that our fair country has to offer.  Are there other examples of potentially messier burgers out there?  Well, probably, Jesus “messy” is such an objective term and maybe if you’re nice we’ll do a follow up to this article.  But in the meantime, sink your fangs into…

The 10 Messiest Burgers In America

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The American States Of America: The Most American Qualities Of Every State (Part 1 of 10)

“Delaware.  We’re in Delaware.”

~Wayne Campbell

american states

Together, America is united as one boozy, overweight, hard drug dabbling awesome nation.  However, it’s important to remember that we began as a confederation of states, and each of those states very much has its own unique identity which is defined through their citizens, history, and contributions to American society.  If you’re looking for the best bourbon in the nation, you’ll probably think of Kentucky before, say, Alaska.  But that doesn’t mean Alaska doesn’t live life Americanly by shooting wolves from helicopters and getting paid for no reason other than living in a place not a lot of people want to be.

So when we at AFFotD look to exalt America, sometimes we have to look at each individual piece of the puzzle and determine the most American aspects of each state of this great nation.  That is why we are here to present to you a five part series listing the most American qualities of every state in the Union, in order of when they were officially admitted into the United States of America.  So grab onto your hats, and get ready to watch us frantically Wikipedia what the hell is in North Dakota.

america states of america

PART ONE

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America’s Most Expensive Hamburgers

“Can’t you just buy 600 McDoubles and a follow up quadruple bi-pass instead?”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

Americans love hamburgers.  It’s less costly and far more portable than steak, and it’s one of the most convenient ways to cram red meat into your colon that’ll never go away.  They’re also delicious and unhealthy and we said that already.  Of course, the reason why we eat a hamburger instead of ordering a steak is that it’s typically much cheaper to get a nice quality burger as opposed to a delicious un-ground-up chunk of animal meat.   

However, as much as America loves economic gluttony, we also love rubbing our excess wealth in the faces of everyone less fortunate than us.  Similarly to why Ron Jeremy chose a profession where he could allow as many people as possible to see his penis, many of America’s elite like to order food that reminds you that no matter how hard you studied for that Philosophy degree from one of the nation’s top universities, none of it did anything to help you earn that 15% tip they’re about to leave you that should be able to cover this month’s rent.

Sure, you can spend two dollars to stuff a McChicken inside of a McDouble, but why not show off your American know-how by ordering a hamburger that’ll cost as much as the inevitable doctor’s appointment you’d have to book after your encounter with the McGangbang?  That’s why we’re here to present you with a not-particularly-exhaustive-because-we’re-honestly-super-hungover-right-now list of…

America’s Most Expensive Hamburgers

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Culture War 2: AFFotD Takes on France’s Only Good Idea Ever

“RAGE STROKE!”

~Johnny Roosevelt

Comparing America to France is like comparing a Filet Mignon to a country that no one likes.  There’s a reason why food critics write for different types of websites than people who are trying to teach you how to set up a compost pile.  France is a piece of shit, is what we’re trying to say.  But every once and a while, even a terrible, terrible nation like France can do something that makes us, well, envious.  And when that happens, it puts us in a psychological shame spiral that inevitably leads to driving a few cars through convenience store walls to steal massive amounts of 40s.

This is one of those times.  Stay away from any of the 7-Elevens in your neighborhood that sell liquor, because take a look at what we found that the French are selling.

IT’S A DARTH VADER BURGER WITH AN ENTIRELY BLACK BUN!  GODDAMN IT FRANCE!  IT’S ON!

IT’S ON!

Culture War 2:  AFFotD Takes on France’s Only Good Idea Ever

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Holy Mother of Cow, It’s the World’s Largest Hamburger!

“Weighing in at over 300 pounds, this 3 foot tall hunk of meat….”

~A Porn actress’s nightmare

It should come as no surprise to you that we at the America Fun Fact of the Day have a pretty well-established love of Hamburgers.  We also love needless excess.  Show us the person who would say that we’re “wasting our time” making and selling the world’s largest gummy bear and we’ll show you a sad individual whose dream of making and selling the world’s largest gummy bear was likely dashed by diabetes.

America loves unhealthy things, and we love lots of unhealthy things far more.  When someone tells us something has 540,000 calories, our response is generally, “I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat yourself, I just climaxed.”

But, to quote the guy from Queens who thought we just insulted him in that last sentence, “I got your 540,000 calories riiiiight here.”  And he does.  Or at least we do.  And by “we” we mean to say “Detroit”.  In the form of…

Holy Mother of Cow, It’s the World’s Largest Hamburger!

Pictured, from left to right:  Ingredient, Ingredient, Hamburger, Psychopath chef

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