Tag Archives: burgers

The 16 Best Fast Food Hamburgers in America: A Stolen List

“I’m not mad about this assignment.”

~AFFotD’s Food Critic
burger

Full disclosure—we are straight up stealing an article here. It’s theft, pure and simple, taking this list from our friends at The Classic Dad and rewriting it, while keeping the rankings exactly as they were. Now normally we’d view that as a Christopher-Blair-level of douchbaggery, but hear us out. Okay, it’s pretty hack on our part, but one of our writers actually wrote the original article, and we asked him if we could use it. He said no, but then we asked him if we could use it if we gave him a bottle of whiskey. He asked, “What kind?” We said, “Jim Beam.” He said, “I don’t get out of fucking bed for less than Woodford Reserve.” We told him to fuck off, we’re not made of $30 whiskey. Then we stole the article and posted it here.

Okay, so maybe he didn’t give us the okay…meh. This is the internet it’s the Wild West out here baby.

Anyway. Fast food hamburgers. You know them. You love them. They are literally in your arteries right now, which, holy shit, go to a doctor get that looked at, you might need a bypass. There are a lot of fast food chains out there that make cheap, unhealthy, delicious meat pucks for your consumption on the daily. But which fast food chain reigns supreme? Well, we (read as, our writer who is so mad at us right now he is literally threatening a lawsuit, haha, good luck finding any assets we can even liquidate, buddy) set out to determine, once and for all, who makes the best Fast Food burger in the United States.

A few notes. First, it was with heavy hearts that we had to omit Steak ‘N Shake from this list, because the mere mention of its name led to an hour-long argument about if Steak ‘N Shake counts as fast food or not. Secondly, while some of these are in fact regional chains, we set an arbitrary rule that you have to be in at least five states and, oh, let’s say over 150 locations, for us to include you on this list. So that knocks off Fuddruckers, for example. Also, we just didn’t want to go to Fuddruckers. And there is a good chance that one of your favorite fast food chains did not make this list somehow. There’s a very good explanation for that if that is in fact the case. It is because we have a strong personal dislike of you. Yes, you. Remember 7th grade? We do, fuckko.

Anyway, to the list!

The 16 Best Fast Food Hamburgers in America: A Stolen List

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The (Terrifying) Black-Bun Burgers of the World

Nope nope nope nope nope nope.”

~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman

black burgers oh no

Depending on what non-affotd corners of the internet you choose to spend your free time perusing, you might have heard recently about Burger King ramping up the gross factor on their food by offering a black bun, black cheese burger called the Kuro, or Black burger.  This burger re-issue (yes, they tried it before, more on that later) used squid ink and bamboo charcoal to create an all-black burger.  Black cheese, black ketchup, black soul are combined for fast food connoisseurs in Japan (because of course this is happening in Japan), leading to a whole slew of internet chatter of “lol, Japan is crazy” (which, duh) and “ew, this looks gross so I tried it oh by the way I’m also a white 24-year-old living in Japan currently while maintaining a blog about my travels.”

What we find most surprising about this burger has nothing to do with its mere existence.  When talking about Japan, nothing surprises us anymore.  No, upon doing some digging, we discovered that Japan’s Burger King does not have a monopoly on this particular brand of culinary insanity.  So, get ready to see a lot of unappetizing pictures of a type of food you once loved, because we’re going to delve into…

The (Terrifying) Black-Bun Burgers of the World

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Five Ordinary Foods Made Needlessly Expensive With Edible Gold

“Yes, this burger is pretty tasty, but what it really needs is someone to shave flakes of yellow rock on it to make it obnoxiously expensive.”

~Obnoxious people

gold chicken

For a species that used to feed itself by throwing pointy sticks at charging animals and playing a constant game of “will this berry make me puke until I die” we sure do spend a lot of our efforts making food as fancy as possible.  Normally, that’s not a bad thing, it’s led to fascinating and delicious culinary experiences for those daring individuals with a worldly palate who are willing to try anything and everything at least once.  It’s what drives America to create burgers like these, and why gummy bear bratwursts are a thing that you can actually buy.  However, it also can lead to pretentious food additions that only exist to as a way for people with more disposable income than shame to spend ungodly sums of money on future-poop just to show they can.

The most obnoxious development in culinary excess doesn’t involve molecular gastronomy, expensive “trendy” gimmicks, or even kale.  No, the worst thing to happen to haute cuisine is gold.  Tasteless flakes of gold added to your food so your small intestine can digest the daily wage of the person whose job it was to mine the precious metal that you so callously shucked into your oral cavity.  While certain societies used to eat gold in the past, this was because we had reached the level of scientific enlightenment of “assuming eating gold would restore your youth” which of course is to say, we weren’t all that bright.

The most affordable and least obnoxious addition of gold to our stomachs of course comes in the form of booze (most notably, Goldschläger).  Goldschläger, better known as “gold-flecked cinnamon frat juice,” and similar liquors initially put gold flakes into booze for medicinal reasons because, again, it was the 1600s, let’s give everyone a break.  Now, the gold remains as a gimmick, but when the total amount of gold involved in a bottle of booze ends up being about half a dollar worth of the stuff and ends up finding its way into a shot called “Liquid Cocaine” we doubt anyone drinking Goldschläger is putting on any airs.

The same can’t be said for these following dishes, some of which cost more than your monthly rent, and all of whom are ordered by people who deserve to be immediately punched in the face by their waiter.  So let’s dive in.

Five Ordinary Foods Made Needlessly Expensive With Edible Gold

emporers eggroll

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