“Oh you son of a bitch.”
~Teetotalers We’ve Tricked Into Eating Alcoholic Food
Around these parts, our staff has a potentially unhealthy infatuation with combining two of the most American forms of consumption—eating and drinking—into inventive ways to get drunk without even having to drink anything. Why do we want to take drinking out of the equation? We don’t, drinking is wonderful, but we feel that there’s no such thing as too many ways to cram alcohol into your poor decisions, which is why we’re always around to champion such innovations as deep fried alcohol, and also why we’re going to try to be the first people to get hospitalized by eating that new powdered alcohol stuff straight from the box, just the powder.
Now, we’ve previously talked about food being used to make alcohol—specifically, meat beers that are brewed with actual animal meat, because ha ha vegetarians your lifestyle is one that our evolution has actively discouraged. Now it’s only fitting to go the other direction, and talk about alcohol being used to make food. All of these meals and desserts exist in America for your consumption, created by heroes who looked at a dinner plate and thought, “You know what? Let’s get drunk off that, no matter how weird of an idea it might seem.”
America’s Strangest Alcohol-Infused Food Items
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Posted in Alcohol, Giver of Life, Strange Alcohol
Tagged Alcohol, alcohol-infused, alcoholic food, alcoholic pizza, alcoholic sandwich, America, Booze, crunkcakes, cupcakes, Georgi vodka, King of Pops, pizza, popsicle, popsicles, Sandwich, sandwiches, Turkey, vodka, vodka-soaked turkey
“Yes, this burger is pretty tasty, but what it really needs is someone to shave flakes of yellow rock on it to make it obnoxiously expensive.”
For a species that used to feed itself by throwing pointy sticks at charging animals and playing a constant game of “will this berry make me puke until I die” we sure do spend a lot of our efforts making food as fancy as possible. Normally, that’s not a bad thing, it’s led to fascinating and delicious culinary experiences for those daring individuals with a worldly palate who are willing to try anything and everything at least once. It’s what drives America to create burgers like these, and why gummy bear bratwursts are a thing that you can actually buy. However, it also can lead to pretentious food additions that only exist to as a way for people with more disposable income than shame to spend ungodly sums of money on future-poop just to show they can.
The most obnoxious development in culinary excess doesn’t involve molecular gastronomy, expensive “trendy” gimmicks, or even kale. No, the worst thing to happen to haute cuisine is gold. Tasteless flakes of gold added to your food so your small intestine can digest the daily wage of the person whose job it was to mine the precious metal that you so callously shucked into your oral cavity. While certain societies used to eat gold in the past, this was because we had reached the level of scientific enlightenment of “assuming eating gold would restore your youth” which of course is to say, we weren’t all that bright.
The most affordable and least obnoxious addition of gold to our stomachs of course comes in the form of booze (most notably, Goldschläger). Goldschläger, better known as “gold-flecked cinnamon frat juice,” and similar liquors initially put gold flakes into booze for medicinal reasons because, again, it was the 1600s, let’s give everyone a break. Now, the gold remains as a gimmick, but when the total amount of gold involved in a bottle of booze ends up being about half a dollar worth of the stuff and ends up finding its way into a shot called “Liquid Cocaine” we doubt anyone drinking Goldschläger is putting on any airs.
The same can’t be said for these following dishes, some of which cost more than your monthly rent, and all of whom are ordered by people who deserve to be immediately punched in the face by their waiter. So let’s dive in.
Five Ordinary Foods Made Needlessly Expensive With Edible Gold
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Posted in America's Culinary Treats, Strange Foods
Tagged America, Berco’s Popcorn, billion dollar popcorn, burgers, Charlie Bingham, chocolate sundae, cupcakes, edible gold, Edible Gold Covering food, fast food restaurants, garrett popcorn, gold, gold added to food, Gold Covered, gold milkshake, gold-covered burgers, gold-covered cupcakes, golden popcorn, Goldschläger, Hamburgers, James Belushi, la recherche du temps perdu, Milkshake, popcorn, TV Dinner, velvet goldmine
“It’d take YOU a few weeks to do a write up too if you were recovering from a meat coma.”
~AFFotD’s Hot Dog Reporter
July 4th was a day with one of the most American traditions we can think of. Well, fireworks too, but mainly we’re talking about the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. As you no doubt remember, AFFotD has chronicled the American ways of Competitive Eating, so it only seemed sporting that we let you know how this year’s Super Bowl of food competitions went. We hired a Hot Dog freelance writer to try to keep up with the competition, Hot Dog for Hot Dog. No, it wasn’t that Japanese guy that refused to sign a contract with the professional eating league and now complains about it when they don’t let him compete, our writer only lasted about 30 hot dogs until his stomach distended and he lapsed into a very literal coma. Ha ha, jokes on him, freelancers don’t get insurance, boo-ya!
Now whenever he closes his eyes this is all he sees.
As a result we have an inside scoop, and once he regained lucidity we were able to go to the presses and report on…
The AFFotD Rundown of the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest
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Posted in Hot Dogs, Hamburgers, Steaks
Tagged America, cupcakes, Eater X, Hot Dog, Japanese, Juliette Lee, Nathan's Hot Dog, Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, Patrick Bertoletti, Red Lobster, Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas, Tim Janus
“It’s delicious! *slap* It’s disgusting! *slap* IT’S DELICIOUS AND DISGUSTING *sobs*”
The Americanness of most items is usually pretty straightforward and easy to discern. Shotguns? American. Environmentalists? Not American. Hot Dogs? American. Tofu? What the fuck do you think you’re even doing here? Really, when it comes to American qualities, the AFFotD staff usually can agree on what works, and what doesn’t.
“We will run you the hell out of this town, you hear?”
This isn’t always the case, however. Every so often, a topic will come up that will lead to intense debate among our staffers. Is the proper term “pop” or “soda”? What is the better movie series, Die Hard or Rocky? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop? All of these have been subject to virulent debate in the AFFotD offices.
We mention this because we ran across this article which described the creation of a brand of vodka that is flavored like cupcakes. With that, two camps in the offices rapidly formed, one group who felt, “Holy shit that’s the best thing we’ve ever heard,” and another who believed, “You don’t fuck with liquor by adding weird flavors to it. You just don’t.”
That is why we at AFFotD are pleased to bring you the first ever AFFotD American Point-Counterpoint, so each side can make an argument about the benefits, or evils, of flavored spirits. We won’t name a winner, that’s for you, the reader, to decide.
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Posted in Vodka
Tagged America, Bacon, Bacon Flavored Vodka, Chinatown, Cotton Candy, Cotton Candy Flavored Vodka, Cupcake flavored vodka, cupcakes, Devil's Food, Die Hard, Faye Dunaway, Filet Mignon, Frosting, Gin, KFC Double Down, pizza, Pizza Flavored Hamburger, Rocky, Tito's Vodka, Tofu, Tofu is not American, Tootsie Roll, Tootsie Roll Pop, vodka, Watermelons, Whiskey