“It’d take YOU a few weeks to do a write up too if you were recovering from a meat coma.”
~AFFotD’s Hot Dog Reporter
July 4th was a day with one of the most American traditions we can think of. Well, fireworks too, but mainly we’re talking about the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. As you no doubt remember, AFFotD has chronicled the American ways of Competitive Eating, so it only seemed sporting that we let you know how this year’s Super Bowl of food competitions went. We hired a Hot Dog freelance writer to try to keep up with the competition, Hot Dog for Hot Dog. No, it wasn’t that Japanese guy that refused to sign a contract with the professional eating league and now complains about it when they don’t let him compete, our writer only lasted about 30 hot dogs until his stomach distended and he lapsed into a very literal coma. Ha ha, jokes on him, freelancers don’t get insurance, boo-ya!
Now whenever he closes his eyes this is all he sees.
As a result we have an inside scoop, and once he regained lucidity we were able to go to the presses and report on…
The AFFotD Rundown of the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest
The Hot Dog competition this year made news (sort of) with the announcement that there would be both a Men’s and a Women’s division, meaning that Sonya “Wait this chick is pretty hot” Thomas was able to win the Nathan’s Hot Dog contest after downing 40 hot dogs. She crushed the field, as no other women consumed more than 30. Need we remind you that the woman who ate 40 hot dogs in ten minutes looked like….this?
This year’s event was Joey Chestnut’s to lose. He’s won the last four years, and his biggest competitor is a Japanese crybaby who got arrested last year for trying to storm the stage, so it’s not surprising to see his mark of 62 hot dogs easily taking the title.
What was most impressive about Chestnut’s performance is that he sweated through his shirt during the competition, which makes Chestnut (pictured above) the world record holder for slimmest person who has ever made themselves sweat through the mere act of eating. That’s impressive, especially as it was not accompanied with labored breathing and a request for donuts dunked in ranch dressing and Red Lobster butter sauce.
Fat people eat amazing things, is what we’re trying to say.
Let’s take a look at the second and third place finishers for the Men’s competition (we’ll also look at the second place winner in the Women’s competition because she’s a surprisingly attractive thin Asian as well).
Patrick “Deep Dish” Bertoletti: Second Place, Men’s Division, 53 Hot Dogs
Ugh, this is tricky. On one hand, this Chicago product of Kendall College, a culinary institute, is a “young gun” in the competitive eating field, and he does overeat professionally. Unfortunately, on the other hand, he’s got a goddamn Mohawk, which is easily one of the most obnoxious hairstyles for a white person. Still, look at that man. He’s eating…pizza? Cut in squares though, which is how you know he’s from Chicago.
He holds a slew of world records, ranging from “delicious” (9.17 pounds of blueberry pie in eight minutes) to…”strange” (erm…21 pounds of grits in 10 minutes?) to “the first few would be fine but after a while you’d have to imagine you’d find it disgusting besides this sounds like a great way to get Hepatitis” (34 dozen Acme oysters in 8 minutes). But there are two records he won’t nab this year- most hot dogs eaten, and skinniest man to break a sweat by eating. Game, set, and match: Joey Chestnut.
Tim “Eater X” Janus: Third Place, 45 Hot Dogs
We’ve talked about Eater X before. He’s fairly ridiculous, and he’s one of the few people who decided to go into a sport where people stuff their face with disgusting amounts of occasionally disgusting food while giving themselves knicknames like “Crazy Legs” and then thought to himself, “You know what? I need a gimmick.”
Janus’ world records include those meant for workers in offices that celebrate birthdays a lot (42 cupcakes in 8 minutes), ones that college students are pretty sure they could beat (10.5 pounds of Ramen noodles in 8 minuets), and, well, again “could get disgusting by the end of it” (141 pieces of nigiri sushi in 6 minutes).
Juliette Lee: Second Place (Women’s Division), 29 Hot Dogs
There’s something emasculating about a 107 pound Asian women eating more hotdogs in 10 minutes than many of the most intrepid Americans can eat in a full day. It’s harder to find records for her, but the rest of them likely put us to shame too. Yup, we got 13.23 pounds of jellied cranberry sauce in 8 minutes, and a combination of 7 chicken wings, one pound of nachos, 3 hot dogs, two personal pizzas, and three Italian Ices in seven minutes and thirteen seconds. Holy hell…
Of course, when people from all over the country, and in fact, all over the world gather together on America’s birthday to stuff their faces with nitrates, there is only one true winner. America.