“It’d take YOU a few weeks to do a write up too if you were recovering from a meat coma.”
~AFFotD’s Hot Dog Reporter
July 4th was a day with one of the most American traditions we can think of. Well, fireworks too, but mainly we’re talking about the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. As you no doubt remember, AFFotD has chronicled the American ways of Competitive Eating, so it only seemed sporting that we let you know how this year’s Super Bowl of food competitions went. We hired a Hot Dog freelance writer to try to keep up with the competition, Hot Dog for Hot Dog. No, it wasn’t that Japanese guy that refused to sign a contract with the professional eating league and now complains about it when they don’t let him compete, our writer only lasted about 30 hot dogs until his stomach distended and he lapsed into a very literal coma. Ha ha, jokes on him, freelancers don’t get insurance, boo-ya!
Now whenever he closes his eyes this is all he sees.
As a result we have an inside scoop, and once he regained lucidity we were able to go to the presses and report on…
The AFFotD Rundown of the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest
Posted in Hot Dogs, Hamburgers, Steaks
Tagged America, cupcakes, Eater X, Hot Dog, Japanese, Juliette Lee, Nathan's Hot Dog, Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, Patrick Bertoletti, Red Lobster, Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas, Tim Janus
“Our locksmith is so fired.”
Okay, well that at least has been sorted out. Finally. Took a few days, but the AFFotD offices are 100% hostage-takers-free. We’ve even cleaned up the Ukrainian Blood. Do you know how hard Ukrainian blood is to get out? So hard.
Obviously, many readers were quite worried a few days ago when we posted a desperate plea for help from the staff’s broom closet (it’s the most American broom closet you can imagine. The mop bucket uses bourbon instead of water) letting you all know that we had, yet again, been kidnapped by some God. Damn. Ukrainians.
Gone were our attack monkeys (fuck you, PETA), gone were our chainsaw-nun-chucks (stupid government regulations), gone were our automated defense systems (…actually that was our bad, we totally forgot to pay the electricity bill last month).
All we had were our wits. Well, that and an army of nameless interns to send on suicidal missions. Their screams will haunt us for the rest of our days.
We’re still trying to get things back to operational capacity here, but we did have a few of our more semi-literate staff members describing their experience as it was happening through various journal entries. We know, ugh, that’s just the fucking worst. So here is…
AFFotD Staff Members Write About Their Feelings and Shit, When Shit Gets Real