“Go ahead, AFFotD. Try to sound informed when you talk about us.”
~A weirdly smug Montana resident
It’s been a long, weird, occasionally rage inducing ride, but we’re nearing the end of our American States of America series where we tell you, the residents of individual states in America, what the most American quality of your home state is, no matter how much you disagree. Shut up Kansas, we don’t care what you have to say we’re sticking with Superman as your most American trait. Deal. When it comes to America, our word is gospel.
Except for Montana. We don’t have a goddamn clue what to say about Montana. But we made a promise, and that’s a promise we can keep. May Teddy Roosevelt’s ghost have mercy on our souls.
Posted in The American States of America!
Tagged America, America States Of America, American States of America, Bonneville Salt Flats, hops, Idaho, Little America, Montana, Utah, Washington, Wyoming
“Our locksmith is so fired.”
Okay, well that at least has been sorted out. Finally. Took a few days, but the AFFotD offices are 100% hostage-takers-free. We’ve even cleaned up the Ukrainian Blood. Do you know how hard Ukrainian blood is to get out? So hard.
Obviously, many readers were quite worried a few days ago when we posted a desperate plea for help from the staff’s broom closet (it’s the most American broom closet you can imagine. The mop bucket uses bourbon instead of water) letting you all know that we had, yet again, been kidnapped by some God. Damn. Ukrainians.
Gone were our attack monkeys (fuck you, PETA), gone were our chainsaw-nun-chucks (stupid government regulations), gone were our automated defense systems (…actually that was our bad, we totally forgot to pay the electricity bill last month).
All we had were our wits. Well, that and an army of nameless interns to send on suicidal missions. Their screams will haunt us for the rest of our days.
We’re still trying to get things back to operational capacity here, but we did have a few of our more semi-literate staff members describing their experience as it was happening through various journal entries. We know, ugh, that’s just the fucking worst. So here is…
AFFotD Staff Members Write About Their Feelings and Shit, When Shit Gets Real
“Hell yes I can jump over a car”
45% of America
Look at you, America. You’re glorious. When Blake Griffin won the slam dunk contest by jumping over a (unfortunately foreign made) car, the good old folks at ESPN decided to ask the question everyone was asking. Could you, average American Joe, do the same thing as a 6 foot 10 inch tall professional athlete? Well, 45% of us, or the 45% most American Americans out there, hear that question and think, “Hell, we’d jump over the damn roof.”
And look at Idaho, Delaware, New Hampshire, and Rhode Island over there. A majority of the Americans there think they can jump over the hood of a goddamn car. And there’s something damn special about that.
So America, as you go about your day, look at the nearest car, and at least allow yourself a moment to think….can I jump that fucker? Because once you blindly assume you can, even when you can’t, then you’ll know you’re truly American.