“*the sound of a human sized block of ice shattering after dropping to the ground*”
~Americans this winter
This week, America has been experiencing an event known as a “Polar Vortex” which apparently is not the name of an albino porn star, but rather some science term that means “it got really fucking cold everywhere except for southern California, who spent a whole week bragging about how warm it was while people in the Midwest were actively freezing to death.” As subzero temperatures swept across the nation, seeing wind chills as low as 50 degrees below zero, the nation collectively (except for southern California. Fuck you guys) bundled up in every article of clothing they owned and exclaimed a single, extended, “Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…”
Schools closed, roads ground to a halt, residents of Chicago decided that “Chiberia” was the best pun they could come up with after the cold cut off much of the circulation to their brains, and people who remember commercials from 1998 started imagining Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Sandwiches in a futile attempt to warm themselves.
Now some people, when faced with a bleak and cold environment, like to think of warm, happy thoughts. A comfy blanket. A hot bowl of soup. Slowly but enjoyably suffocating to death between Dolly Parton’s boobs in 1973. Us? We just get whiskey drunk and look at places that are even colder so we can try to convince ourselves to stop being such goddamn pussies over this goddamn negative 15 degree weather.
That’s why we’re going to show you a list of cities from five states in America where, and we’re just guessing here, it’s too cold for fire to even exist.
The Five Coldest Recorded Temperatures in American History (by state)
Posted in Fuck Nature
Tagged #RIPZaneStephens, Alaska, America, American History, Chiberia, Cold, Coldest Days, Colorado, Lowest Temperatures, Maybell Colorado, Montana, Peter Sinks, Polar Vortex, Prospect Creek, Rogers Pass, temperature, temperatures, Utah, Winter, Wyoming, Zane Stephens
“Go ahead, AFFotD. Try to sound informed when you talk about us.”
~A weirdly smug Montana resident
It’s been a long, weird, occasionally rage inducing ride, but we’re nearing the end of our American States of America series where we tell you, the residents of individual states in America, what the most American quality of your home state is, no matter how much you disagree. Shut up Kansas, we don’t care what you have to say we’re sticking with Superman as your most American trait. Deal. When it comes to America, our word is gospel.
Except for Montana. We don’t have a goddamn clue what to say about Montana. But we made a promise, and that’s a promise we can keep. May Teddy Roosevelt’s ghost have mercy on our souls.
Posted in The American States of America!
Tagged America, America States Of America, American States of America, Bonneville Salt Flats, hops, Idaho, Little America, Montana, Utah, Washington, Wyoming
“This is the best cocaine ever, I am a fucking BEAST!”
America has a complex relationship with tragedy. Everyone likes The Shawshank Redemption, but on it’s opening weekend more people went to see The Little Rascals and The Mask. We know Shakespeare’s greatest plays were tragedies, but we don’t give a shit because, come on, plays? We laugh when we see a full grown man get smashed in the groin with a baseball bat, but get pissed off when our lame friend gets all worried and asks, “Is he gonna be able to have kids again?” Tragedy makes us uncomfortable, especially in instances where we see two American flames flicker and extinguish. We love to highlight all that is American, but we prefer to shield ourselves from the tragedy of Americans.
That is, unless a mountain of cocaine is involved, and then we’re all about that shit.
Fair warning, this article will be like 80% cocaine jokes and 20% glossing over the tragedy of a hit and run death
Posted in The Best of the Rest
Tagged America, Aspen, Aspen Colrado, Boettcher, Charles Boettcher, Cocaine, COCAINE COCAINE COCAINE!, Greg Lopez, Mountain of Cocaine, Peter Schmitz, Prussia, Shakespeare, Spicer Breeden, Sydney Stone, The Little Rascals, The Mask, The Shawshank Redemption, Time Magazine, Wyoming