America’s Dumbest Laws #6-10

“This’ll stop them there idiots.”

~New Mexican Legislature

As we discussed in yesterday’s fun fact, there are a lot of dumb laws out there.  So for every law like “Don’t kill people,” there’s an equally stupid law like, “Don’t kill endangered animals.”

And of course, there are the following dumb laws as well…

6.       Don’t Flirt in New York

In New York, you can be fined $25 for flirting in public.  We suspect that this is all part of an effort that Eliot Spitzer put into place to try to legitimize the practice of prostitution.  Because, let’s be honest, if you have to pay $25 bucks to flirt with someone, just for the chance of maybe someday see them naked, why not double down on your bet and just get syphilis from a prostitute?  Unless “Flirt” takes on some sort of different meaning in the state of New York, and it’s some Brooklyn slang term to describe exposing yourself, in which case a $25 dollar fine sounds about right.

7.       Don’t Wear a Large Hat in a Movie Theatre in Wyoming

Actually, that’s a pretty good idea, Wyoming.  Carry on.

8.       …Is it Even Possible to Whistle Underwater?

We at AFFotD would like to talk to the citizens of Vermont, because not only is it possible to whistle underwater, but the residents of that state have made it a crime to do so.  Be honest, have any of you ever once in your life even thought about the physical act of whistling under water?  Of course not, because “whistling” and “swimming” are about as closely associated as “talent” and “Nickelback.”  That is to say, it’s such a huge leap that to even put the two in the same sentence is offensive to both words.  That is to say, Nickelback is truly awful.

But whistling underwater?  The fact that this concept not only exists, but it exists to the point that it’s illegal had to imply that there’s some legal version of Rule 34.  Like, a rule 43 or something of the sort.  If you think of it, it exists, and it’s probably illegal.  Somewhere.  Snapping while wearing oven mitts?  Illegal!  Blinking with your head down a well?  Illegal!  Dancing while burning down the abandoned factory?  Uh…well, illegal, but…well..you know.  It sort of was already…

9.       Idiots Can’t Vote in New Mexico

Picture unrelated.

This law seems a bit too subjective to be enforceable, but it would probably be pretty good at stopping idiots from voting.  Because if someone goes to you and says, “Did you hear?  Idiots can’t vote here anymore, they just passed a law,” and your response was, “Oh darn, guess I can’t vote,” than you’re an idiot.  But besides that, you wonder if the government could put other unenforceable laws on the books just to hope that method works.  Like, assholes are no longer allowed to enter bars.  Or, douchebags who pop their collar and wear shades inside aren’t allowed to purchase cars.  We could do so much good work with this kind of logic…

10.   All Your Base Are Belong To Us…er…

In the town of Excelsior Springs, Missouri, there is a law on the books that simply states, “Worrying Squirrels is Not Tolerated,” which is one of the most hypnotically nonsensical sentences we’ve ever heard.  We now know what it would look like if legislatures wrote laws via Ouija Board.  We’ve knocked over scrabble boards that were more coherent.  This sounds less like a law and more like a meme you get from translating a sentence from English to Chinese to Russian back to English.  If stringing together random words were the same as making laws, then our “You get a punch to the dick if you call frozen yogurt ‘Frogurt’” law would have passed years ago.  But that’s not how laws work, you can’t just string this sort of crap together and actually put it in the law books!  Dammit, Excelsior Springs, damn you all!

…We really want that Frogurt law to pass, is basically what we’re saying.