“No. Seriously. I won’t lose.”
~Smedley Butler Playing a Game of Bullshit
We recently wrote an article that focused on the Medal of Honor—mainly, how the military’s highest honor, now given only to acts of almost impossible levels of valor, was sort of tossed around pretty willy-nilly in the years after the Civil War and before World War I. In that discussion, we briefly mentioned a U.S. Marine named Smedley Butler, who straight up tried to turn down his first Medal of Honor (yes, he was later awarded a second one) because he didn’t think he deserved it. We then came to realize that Smedley Butler, a badass with a kind of funny first name, isn’t really well known to the casual American—hell, we had only sort of stumbled across his career by accident.
And that’s some bullshit, because Smedley Butler died as the most highly decorated Marine in U.S. history, and served 34 years where he managed to collect medals, tropical diseases, and tactics for tricking the enemy like it was his job. Well, it sort of was his job, he was a marine, but you get the picture.
So allow us to spend three thousand words or so gushing about Smedley Butler, The Fighting Quaker.
Ha ha, holy shit, this picture.
Posted in American Heroes, Fighters
Tagged America, American Expeditionary Force, American History, Banana Wars, Boxer Rebellion, Business Plot, Calvin Coolidge, FDR, Haiti, Herbert Hoover, Honduras, Littleton Waller, Marine Corps Brevet Medal, Marines, Medal of Honor, Nicaragua, Old Duckboard, Old Gimlet Eye, Philippine-American War, Quantico, Smedley Butler, Smedley D. Butler, Spanish-American War, Stonewall Jackson's Arm, The Fighting Quaker, Woodrow Wilson, World War I
“Wait, if I’m not on this list, then it’s clearly bullshit.”
~Every AFFotD staff member
Alcohol is a lot like sex—90% of the population really enjoys it, and they’re all kinda made uncomfortable by the 10% that doesn’t. We at America Fun Fact of the Day make it our mission to celebrate alcohol and the Americans who drink it. For example, everyone reading this has consumed alcohol at some point within the past week—we managed to make a teetotaler firewall that automatically directs people that don’t drink to the google image results page for the search “third degree burn + penis.”
We of course celebrate alcohol in its many incarnations here, as well as the great consumers of alcohol. Naturally, America is a great nation of great drinkers, and trying to find, say, the ten best drinkers in American history would be a foolish act of hubris, almost offensive to the very same Americans you are attempting to tribute. So let’s list the ten greatest drinkers in American history.
The 10 Greatest Drinkers in American History
Posted in Alcohol, Giver of Life, American Heroes, Drinkers
Tagged Alcohol, America, American History, American Presidents, Andrew Johnson, Babe Ruth, Charles Bukowski, drinkers, Edgar Allan Poe, Ernest Hemingway, Frank Sinatra, heroes, Jack Daniels, Jack Kerouac, Jerry Thomas, Ulysses S. Grant, Wade Boggs, Wade Boggs Drinking
“That’s no book. It’s a space station.”
America has a very tenuous relationship with books, and literacy in general. On one hand, you’re here, reading these words, and only about 25% of you have to slowly-mouth-out-the-words-as-you-read-along. But on the other hand, reading is hard. Hell, that’s why this page is covered with flags and bears and shit because look at the shiny things look at the shiny things thanks for the page click sorry there aren’t more side-boob slideshows for you.
The fact of the matter is, while many Americans appreciate a good book, and even spend their free time reading as opposed to, say, drinking and watching Netflix in whiskey haze, others think that books are for suckers. We’re not going to take a side on this topic, unless we write and subsequently try to sell a book, in which case, literature is awesome, RIP Borders you will be missed, long live Barnes and Noble.
But, as long as there has been literature, there have been works of literature that are soooooo long (“how long are they?”) they are soooo long… that it would take an incredible amount of time and patience to get through them.
Damn, we really thought there could be a joke in there. A joke about long books…long…something. Nope, we got nothing. Damn shame. Anyway, here are the longest books ever written by American authors.
The 7 Longest Books In America
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged America, American History, Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand, Books, Carl Sandburg, David Foster Wallace, Great Gatsby, Harry Potter, illiteracy rokcs!, Infinite Jest, Joseph McElroy, Katharine Hepburn, Literature, long books, Marguerite Young, Remembrance Rock, Richard Kimball, Sirona Texas, Sufjan Stevens, Tad Williams, Texas, To Green Angel Tower, Women and Men, world's longest books
“*the sound of a human sized block of ice shattering after dropping to the ground*”
~Americans this winter
This week, America has been experiencing an event known as a “Polar Vortex” which apparently is not the name of an albino porn star, but rather some science term that means “it got really fucking cold everywhere except for southern California, who spent a whole week bragging about how warm it was while people in the Midwest were actively freezing to death.” As subzero temperatures swept across the nation, seeing wind chills as low as 50 degrees below zero, the nation collectively (except for southern California. Fuck you guys) bundled up in every article of clothing they owned and exclaimed a single, extended, “Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…”
Schools closed, roads ground to a halt, residents of Chicago decided that “Chiberia” was the best pun they could come up with after the cold cut off much of the circulation to their brains, and people who remember commercials from 1998 started imagining Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Sandwiches in a futile attempt to warm themselves.
Now some people, when faced with a bleak and cold environment, like to think of warm, happy thoughts. A comfy blanket. A hot bowl of soup. Slowly but enjoyably suffocating to death between Dolly Parton’s boobs in 1973. Us? We just get whiskey drunk and look at places that are even colder so we can try to convince ourselves to stop being such goddamn pussies over this goddamn negative 15 degree weather.
That’s why we’re going to show you a list of cities from five states in America where, and we’re just guessing here, it’s too cold for fire to even exist.
The Five Coldest Recorded Temperatures in American History (by state)
Posted in Fuck Nature
Tagged #RIPZaneStephens, Alaska, America, American History, Chiberia, Cold, Coldest Days, Colorado, Lowest Temperatures, Maybell Colorado, Montana, Peter Sinks, Polar Vortex, Prospect Creek, Rogers Pass, temperature, temperatures, Utah, Winter, Wyoming, Zane Stephens