“Wait, if I’m not on this list, then it’s clearly bullshit.”
~Every AFFotD staff member
Alcohol is a lot like sex—90% of the population really enjoys it, and they’re all kinda made uncomfortable by the 10% that doesn’t. We at America Fun Fact of the Day make it our mission to celebrate alcohol and the Americans who drink it. For example, everyone reading this has consumed alcohol at some point within the past week—we managed to make a teetotaler firewall that automatically directs people that don’t drink to the google image results page for the search “third degree burn + penis.”
We of course celebrate alcohol in its many incarnations here, as well as the great consumers of alcohol. Naturally, America is a great nation of great drinkers, and trying to find, say, the ten best drinkers in American history would be a foolish act of hubris, almost offensive to the very same Americans you are attempting to tribute. So let’s list the ten greatest drinkers in American history.
The 10 Greatest Drinkers in American History
Posted in Alcohol, Giver of Life, American Heroes, Drinkers
Tagged Alcohol, America, American History, American Presidents, Andrew Johnson, Babe Ruth, Charles Bukowski, drinkers, Edgar Allan Poe, Ernest Hemingway, Frank Sinatra, heroes, Jack Daniels, Jack Kerouac, Jerry Thomas, Ulysses S. Grant, Wade Boggs, Wade Boggs Drinking
“It’s Miller Time, motherfuckers. It’s ALWAYS Miller Time.”
Baseball is America’s pastime in the same way that Bowling is a way of life for rural Midwestern towns. The actual sport itself depends greatly on everyone else getting drunk. If you ever had a professional baseball game that didn’t serve beer, Americans would start rioting faster than a bunch of British hooligans after their soccer team gets relegated. As a result, baseball players themselves have to go out of their way to let you know how American they are. In a league full of Neifi Perezes, the Babe Ruth-like figures are hard to come by.
Even today’s superstars leave something lacking. Yes, Derek Jeter was sleeping with Buddy Garrity’s daughter, but wasn’t A-Rod seeing dinosaur-Madonna? That’s a bad way to go. Think about that. The richest baseball player in the history of the game was, at one point, dating… This.
Fortunately, every once in a while, a true American is born, and instead of deciding to become a fighter pilot or mixologist, he chooses the path of baseball, and figures, if you’re going to do something well, might as well do something drunk. That man may come along only once in a generation, and our generation’s American baseball hero happens to be Hall of Famer, and Miller Lite enthusiast, Wade Boggs.
Pictured here, during the physical act of lovemaking