“My…heart…my…liver…tell…my family…it was worth it.”
~Consumers of fried alcohol
Ever since Reese’s came up with the groundbreaking decision that sweet things taste good with peanut butter, it’s been a commonly accepted practice in American culture to ignore “common sense” or “that pain in your chest” and combine things that are delicious, logic be damned. Do you like beer, and meat? Meatbeer! Do you like doughnuts, and hamburgers? Get that man a fucking Luther Burger! Do you like Taco Bell (read as: are currently drunk and on the way home from the bars) and Doritos? How the fuck have you not had a Doritos Locos Taco yet, that’s literally the sole reason why Taco Bell is still a viable fast food establishment! What is wrong with you!?
The point being, when America loves two things, like, say, a Labrador Retriever and a Poodle, we like to force them together through unholy acts and hope that we end up with a pleasing end result, like a Labradoodle. Well, guess what. We love fried food. And we love booze. We think you can guess where this is going.
We’re going to get a Labradoodle drunk and then feed it a shitload of fried food.
Wait, what’s that? Oh, no, we’re just going to tell you about people who deep fry alcohol. Yeah, that sounds pretty good, let’s do that.
7 Boozy Deep-Fried Alcohol Treats
(photo courtesy of thrillist)
Posted in America's Culinary Treats, Fried Foods
Tagged Alcohol, America, Booze, Bourbon, Bulleit, Champagne, Deep-Fried, Deep-Fried Tequila, Frid Foods, Fried Beer, fried booze, fried bourbon, fried coke, Fried Food, fried jack and coke, fried tequila, fried wine, jack and coke, Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Luther Burger, margarita, Meatbeer, Taco Bell, tequila, texas state fair, Whiskey
“Wait, if I’m not on this list, then it’s clearly bullshit.”
~Every AFFotD staff member
Alcohol is a lot like sex—90% of the population really enjoys it, and they’re all kinda made uncomfortable by the 10% that doesn’t. We at America Fun Fact of the Day make it our mission to celebrate alcohol and the Americans who drink it. For example, everyone reading this has consumed alcohol at some point within the past week—we managed to make a teetotaler firewall that automatically directs people that don’t drink to the google image results page for the search “third degree burn + penis.”
We of course celebrate alcohol in its many incarnations here, as well as the great consumers of alcohol. Naturally, America is a great nation of great drinkers, and trying to find, say, the ten best drinkers in American history would be a foolish act of hubris, almost offensive to the very same Americans you are attempting to tribute. So let’s list the ten greatest drinkers in American history.
The 10 Greatest Drinkers in American History
Posted in Alcohol, Giver of Life, American Heroes, Drinkers
Tagged Alcohol, America, American History, American Presidents, Andrew Johnson, Babe Ruth, Charles Bukowski, drinkers, Edgar Allan Poe, Ernest Hemingway, Frank Sinatra, heroes, Jack Daniels, Jack Kerouac, Jerry Thomas, Ulysses S. Grant, Wade Boggs, Wade Boggs Drinking
“The habwasher makes the cranny go boom with the wimflazzle double decker!”
~…Ugh. Fucking Brits.
We here at AFFotD have firmly established that we are experts in the field of looting. We assumed that this knowledge would be necessary for the impending apocalypse, and because we’re all hedonistic Satanists who worship the false God of Whiskey (with his disciples, Jim, Jack, and M. Mark) we’re more likely to be left behind than an un-baptized Jewish infant.
Well, leave it to England to prove that humanity is just a barely contained bubbling pot of rage that is one police shooting of a drug dealer away from going fucking nuts. That’s our bad. Most good Americans cast aside their “faith in the basic decency of humanity” around the same time they got really into Calvin and Hobbes and decided to Wikipedia the guy the tiger was named after (philosophy joke high five!)
“State of nature, motherfuckers.”
Leave it to the Brits to fuck up the whole thing. Their idea of looting is burning buses and pummeling the occasional civilian into a comatose pulp. And yes, they have an idea of what “Looting” is in the same sense that breast-fed infants have an idea what “motor boating” is.
See that? That’s a bunch of British people who decided to set fire to a SONY warehouse that holds a bunch of CDs and records. The shit is that? Looters of London, the world is your oyster, and you have a sledgehammer, so why are you focusing all your efforts on smashing a piece of bread? Goddamn it, America’s gotta step in again and show you how to do it. Looks like it’s time for…
AFFotD’s Official Looters Guide to Rioting
Posted in Strange America
Tagged 7-11, baseball bats, Beer goggles, Billy Elliot, Calvin and Hobbes, Convenience Store, Cop, Cricket, Dexter, flaming dr. pepper, Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, John Hobbes, London Bobby, London Riots, Looters Guide to Riots, Looting, Makers Mark, molotov cocktails, My Fair Lady, Police, Rioting, Sony, Sweet Caroline, Whiskey